To think I'm a crap mum and just can't cope?

[Witsendmummy]

DS is 22 months and I have a 3 week old. I'm struggling I really am. DSs behaviour since baby came is awful he's hitting and biting and trying to hurt the baby. Time out used to really work but now he just laughs at me when I try to do it with him.
The baby won't let me put her down and it's just too hot to have her in a sling. I feel like there's no wonder ds is acting out as she's just come along and is constantly attached to me and on my boob feeding all the time.
I'm starting to feel so low DH has been brilliant bit now he's back at work I feel lost and totally snowed under.
I can't even go on a trip to park because I'm worried about d's hurting other children. I feel so guilty about everything and for feeling like this when I should feel so lucky. I just don't know what to do

You’re ds understandably lacks the appropriate communication skills yet, to enable to tell you he doesn’t like something/baby dd.

Ask DS to help his sister, rather than you, eg ‘please can you help DD put her socks on”. Or “please can you sing that nice song to dd”.
Let him feel like she is his baby sister rather than your baby (op’s).
This will give him a sense of belonging and having a job to do.

Say things like “look how happy DD is when you sing/pull funny faces”.
Or “DD told me she would love it if you helped her go to sleep by holding her hand gently”.
And “you and DD are going to be a cool team when she gets a bit older. Think of all the fun stuff you can teach her”.

Then in the evenings and weekends, try to spend some you & DS time together. It needn’t be for long. Perhaps you could do his story each night, rather than DH. Or he could help you bake some cakes etc.
Just half an hour or even a regular 10/15 mins will let him know he is still your baby too.

Also, if you friends or family nearby to help out a bit, that will help make you feel better. And by help out, I necessarily mean doing jobs/housework. Just a quick half an hour coffee and catch up will help to lift you and break up what can be a rather monotonous day at that stage.

You're not a crap mum, and, as others have said, it will get easier. It is hard for your DS at the moment but the fact that you understand that makes it so much better for him in the long run. Allowing him to be cross and sad now will make it easier for him to adjust to the new status quo and embrace the positives when he's ready.

When DS was tiny I used to go to local toddler groups -- there were often adults there with a free pair of hands who were more than happy to hold him while I gave my DD some attention.

I also wholeheartedly agree with lowering your standards regarding TV/iPad/whatever it takes to get through. And be kind to yourself! You're a hero.

Thankyou for all of the reassuring replies. It's so hard his behaviour has changed so much. We've really tried to stick to his routine and give him lots of love and attention but it is such a huge change!
I'm living for when 'it gets better' but I'm not enjoying having a new born and I so wanted to as it's my last time.

I am afraid l am going against the grain here op...
I had 2 Dcs, 16 months apart, and don't accept it is acceptable to be hurting your or other Dcs.

My 1st once or twice tried to push the baby away hard and hit out and it was very firmly stopped.

She was taken away , it was explained why that was NOT acceptable and the consequences if it happened again.
Second time was to test said boundaries, so consequence was time out in her crib for 5 minutes on her own.

Problem was solved, she didn't ever hurt anyone again. She was 20 months old but quite capable of understanding.

I don't believe any agressive behavior should be tolerated, get a secure space for Ds to go and calm down, playpen or bed. Use it to put baby down for a time and give yourself a break.

When he hurts other Dcs what is the consequence?

I would take him to one side, tell him what he has done is wrong, make him apologise, if he either didn't apologise or did it again, l would go straight home.

You are by no means a crap mum, it is hard work with 2 small ones but, IMHO boundaries and set consequences makes it all easier.

Dragongirl10, agree that violence needs to be addressed and prevented, and boundaries maintained (although I wouldn't do time out with a child that young, but it's a judgement call). However the focus should be on addressing what underlies the behaviour. OP's boy wasn't whacking other kids before the new baby; he is upset and struggling with the new status quo, and acting out because of this. So the OP's energies (such as she has left under the circumstances!) would be equally well employed helping her son feel loved and safe and encouraging him to accept the baby as a positive addition to his life rather than just a competitor for his mum's attention. Then hopefully the violence will pass away, not just because he's afraid of the consequences if it doesn't but because he feels secure and no longer feels the need to act out. It's not an either/or!

ENNIREM...

Of course l agree that he needs to still have love, time and attention from his mum, but the op is clearly already doing that, and is very aware of his feelings and needs.

BUT l do see a lot of agressive behaviour made excuses for and IMHO l would teach that the behavior is not acceptable ever, and to help him redirect his feelings without violence.

Yes he is young, but when do we start teaching children that violent behavior is not OK? Would it be acceptable now, (due to this life change,) but not at 5 or 8 or 10? Surely it is sensible to address it straight away.

Feel for you I've been there. Janet lansburys podcasts really helped me at the time. It helped me to realise that time out won't workthe older child feels shunned because all your attention is understandably on new baby. The last thing he needs is to be pushed away more.

Feel for you I've been there. Janet lansburys podcasts really helped me at the time. It helped me to realise that time out won't workthe older child feels shunned because all your attention is understandably on new baby. The last thing he needs is to be pushed away more.

It's so hard at first but as everyone says it will get better! I think the only way I got through it was with a new trampolinefor the eldest and lots of TV and chocolate. Not great parenting techniques but whatever gets you through. Just survive the next few weeks any way you can and then in a few weeks the baby will suddenly be taking an interest in surroundings and be able to be left on play mats and stuff and will be going a few hours between feeds and suddenly there will be lots more time to spend with the toddler. I found a napping routine for the baby helped as well when they were a bit older so that I can say to the toddler I'll play with them in an hour etc. And the baby is out of the room in bed. Now we're 6 months in and when the baby is in bed I ask what the eldest wants to do...and she says play with the baby! Can't win!

That's a tough age gap.

It will get better honest.

Crap parents don't worry about being crap parents

I can't offer practical advice as I only have one child so can't appreciate what you're going through.

However, please stop thinking you should feel lucky and/or grateful all the time. You are in a tough situation and it's perfectly ok to feel shitty about it