To think it's hard to walk away from a relationship you aren't happy in

[SnapFart]

Just that really.

I am not a victim of domestic violence. My DP isn't horrible or controlling and I do care about them and the consequences should I choose to leave E.G. paying the rent and bills on their own. I do love her but I'm not in love I don't think?

We get on great most of the time, however she can be a bit too much sometimes. Winding me up, going too far with jokes.

We have a lovely home together (in her name) so I know I would lose a lot if I left.

I don't have anywhere to go, I have lost touch with a lot of friends and am not close to my family.

I just don't think I am very happy and I can't help thinking that I should move on from the relationship.

We have been together 7 years, no children.

it's all just a bit "meh".

Do I just stay and live as we are? We are more like friends now to be honest.

to clarify, we are both female

Have you talked to her about how you're feeling?

No, I'm too scared to. I hate the idea of rocking the boat.

Just the thought of having that conversation terrifies me.

I'm not sure why, maybe I am scared she will agree and make the decision for me, so to speak.

I am just so grumpy lately and wishing I was somewhere else all the time.

Just to clarify there is no one else involved. I just want to go travelling and see more of life.

I have committed to a round of IVF and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to go ahead with it. I felt pressure from her and it is all she talks about.

Yet it's me who must carry because her BMI is too high and she obviously can't be bothered to rectify that. I gave up smoking and she did....for about 1 month and she is back smoking again.

I have told her that I am not prepared to go ahead with it if she can't make these sacrifices.

The more I think about it, I relaise I harbour a lot of resentment towards her.

You have to talk to her. You have both invested 7 years in the relationship and you owe her that.
However it does sound like there isn't much hope of it working as it's gone too far and life is too short to be miserable. There are no kids involved who rely on you so do what makes you feel happy but give her her place by at least having the conversation.

How about going to somewhere quiet aware from your home...a park maybe and talking to her about how you feel?

Has anything else happened recently that's contributed to the way you feel like a problem at work, debts etc?

Maybe some couples counselling to try and get to the route of your thoughts and help you work out what you really want?

I think it is hard but if you stay you're only going to be resentful and ultimately angry at you or her.

Please don't have ivf if you feel like this. Don't complicate things. Starting over is hard but it's also an opportunity for new beginnings and adventures. It's not fair on your dp for you to stay when she cpuld move on and find happiness (and have a baby) with someone else.

snap read too good to leave too good to stay. It’s a good book

You want to travel and she wants a baby, you want completely different things - poles apart. Sounds like you need to have the discussion about what you both really want.

She's not prepared to make lifestyle changes to try and have a baby so how much does she want it really?

I spent a whole year trying to make things better in my marriage. Trying and walking away if there is nothing left, yes. Just walking away without trying. The seven year itch it may be, maybe something will change and you will suddenly realise you still love her. This is your life. Don't waste each others lives if you really don't want to stay. But if you try, if you talk, at least you can say you did something.

Of course it’s hard. Any break from the status quo is hard. Plus, the logistics of in tangling anadult relationships or marriage can be hard work. It’s often worth it, though.

Untangling ^

sparkly

There have been little things.

She finishes work an hour earlier than me and has a shorter commute. I finish at 5.30pm and don't get home until 6.15.

Yesterday I came home and she was upstairs watching tv and downstairs was an absolute mess. I ended up doing the dishes, general cleaning, litter tray and pegging out the washing.

This meant I had less time to spend in the glorious sunshine we have been having and just think that was a little selfish.

Had she completed 50% of the chores we could have been done earlier. I had asked her about the laundry.

It got me thinking that she does put on me a lot. I am the one who has to make the journeys to the shops for top up groceries, pop to shop for electric etc.

It boils down to this: she is lazy

It's starting to grate on me.

have committed to a round of IVF and to be honest, I'm not sure I want to go ahead with it. I felt pressure from her and it is all she talks about.

First and easiest thing; do NOT have fertility treatment in this situation.

Then what do you need to do to be sure about your decision and follow through?

And a random thought about her laziness; Are you sure she’s not ill but undiagnosed? (Lots of illnesses initially present with exhaustion.)

Would it make a difference to you? Does she have energy for non-chore things?

Op I'd really want to know if my op felt like the relationship as you do. I want to be with someone who loves me and sees me as their life partner. I don't want to be a time filler.

Battleax

She rarely wants to go anywhere, maybe the cinema but she will never entertain an evening out in the pub - not her scene.

She doesn't like social situations and when we recently went to a big outdoor gig she was miserable the whole time.

She is overweight and constantly complains that she has nothing nice to wear etc however she wont make any effort to lose weight.

I have tried getting her to join me in aquafit but she wont.

All her wages disappear. She never buys anything for us/the house.

I try to be supportive but its hard when somebody wont help themselves.

She comes home and changes clothes, leaving her trainers and clothes sprawled everywhere. Don't get me wrong she does clean twice a week quite thoroughly so I am not concerned about her share of the chores so much. But it is the little things. Anything she cant be arsed to do she tells me to do.

I ask her constantly to not let the dogs upstairs into our bedroom because they are prone to accidents but she does, she sometimes winds me up by calling the dogs up on my side of the bed. Why would a grown adult do this?

If I trip or hurt myself she thinks its hilarious. Why?

She isn't abusive but she has a very strange sense of humour and I am finding it very tiring.

I empathise with your situation but have dc so the feeling that the status quo needs to work is much more persuasive. I agree that IVF is not the right thing for you right now.

I think a seven year relationship deserves at least one last push at rectifying through at least a conversation but with the understanding this is your very last attempt.

Resentment of laziness doesn’t go away and through experience I can tell you increases with a child. Suddenly not only do you want basic tasks done for the good and the house and you but there is a desire for a nice environment for your child. It’s very hard to parent with someone who is not on the same page.

it sounds like it's over you have zero common interests.

I don't want to end it and be that person that brings someones world down. She appears to be quite happy and content with us.

I dont want to hurt her

It sounds awful.

Anything in the plus column?

Can you afford your own place?

I dont want to hurt her

How do you think she’d feel if she read this thread? You’re already in a no-win zone, I’m afraid. You’re not happy and you’re not being honest with her.

You can't live a lie, you can't stay where you are miserable.

You can tell her that her lazines, lack of being sociable and smoking is a deal breaker for you. Give her the opportunity to decide if she is willing to change?

My marriage got to an awful place, I was leaving H, he decided he wanted us enough to change. We were married, had kids, together 13 years by then. Had we been together 7 years with no DC I would have walked, my DH will never be sociable or look after his health and it's a compromise I wouldn't make again.

battoleax I know and I feel awful for even writing this. Really awful but I needed to speak to someone. I have been having a terrible depressive episode lately due to other things unrelated to her and had to contact the Samaritans. I am coming out the other side now though.

I can afford my own place - I earn a lot more than her.

We do get on and have a laugh together but that is the only plus side I can think of at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, we aren't sat on the sofa ebery night arguing - we rarely argue actually. I just don't feel like we are going anywhere.

We never kiss (properly) anymore and I can't remember the last time we had sex. Neither of us try it on anymore.

I know her lack of confidence has a lot to do with it and I stopped flirting around the idea a long long time ago.

She mentioned a while back about whether lesbian bed death is such a thing.

I’m not criticising you for posting. I just think you need to recognise that the problem wouldn’t be splitting, the problem is already there. Sometimes relationships do just die.

You do sound really miserable and I feel for you.

Thank you Battleax