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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's hard to walk away from a relationship you aren't happy in

43 replies

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 11:39

Just that really.

I am not a victim of domestic violence. My DP isn't horrible or controlling and I do care about them and the consequences should I choose to leave E.G. paying the rent and bills on their own. I do love her but I'm not in love I don't think?

We get on great most of the time, however she can be a bit too much sometimes. Winding me up, going too far with jokes.

We have a lovely home together (in her name) so I know I would lose a lot if I left.

I don't have anywhere to go, I have lost touch with a lot of friends and am not close to my family.

I just don't think I am very happy and I can't help thinking that I should move on from the relationship.

We have been together 7 years, no children.

it's all just a bit "meh".

Do I just stay and live as we are? We are more like friends now to be honest.

OP posts:

Sparklyshoes16 · 27/06/2018 13:13

@SnapFart it sounds as though you are both depressed but for different reasons,

In your case it sounds as though you don't feel valued and looking for support with how you feel?

In your DP case it sounds as though she is lacking confidence and doesn't know where to start with sorting her feelings out?

Have you've tried contacting your GP to be referred to an IAPT service or try the BACP website for an accredited therapist...I really think talking to someone who is outside of your relationship would help...perhaps you could start with counselling individually and if you feel after that you don't want to end things then possibly couples counselling after good luck OP

Original poster

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 13:21

Thanks Sparkly. I have booked a private counselling session for July so I will see what that brings.

I am hoping to attend several sessions.

OP posts:

Original poster

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 13:21

*regular sessions

OP posts:

Sparklyshoes16 · 27/06/2018 14:00

Ah that's great news don't forget if you feel things aren't working you can ask for a different Counsellor...it sounds as though you would benefit from person-centred Counselling not CBT...I really do hope it helps and things work out for you at the end of the day you need to do right what's right for you and the counselling will help you with that.

girlywhirly · 27/06/2018 14:05

I think you have got to the point seven years on where you are resenting your partner. It is sad when you know raising the issues and hurting feelings is unavoidable. Getting counselling is wise, it really helps you to see the way forward, even if that way is to separate.

It seems to me that you have reached the end of the relationship and having a baby together will not make it better. It’s too important an issue not to raise. And people do grow apart, what you wanted when you got together has changed.

moodance · 27/06/2018 14:16

Reading your thread makes me understand why people leave a relationship for another person ... as it gives the person a reason to leave ... I know I am going to gets lots of boos here for my opinion.

It sounds like you are and have made many sacrifices and now you are starting to resent your other half.

Original poster

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 15:00

Hi Moodance. Perhaps you are right. I couldn't and wouldn't cheat on my partner but the way I am feeling I could imagine enjoying some attention from someone!

I don't feel very attractive or liked.

She even mocks the way I cheer at the football on tv!

Maybe she isn't as nice as my heart wants to believe. Life is a funny thing.

You believe what your heart wants to believe.

I have been in this position before but it was much more intense. Intense unhappiness, intensly worried about the other persons feelings.

When I did manage to build up the confidence to break up with my ex it didn't go very well. She was a gaslighter and very mentally abusive, even sexually assaulting me on my 30th Birthday whilst shouting "why dont you fancy me".

Somehow she managed to get me to agree to her moving in with me "as friends" and slit her wrists when I met someone else.

She was ok, she didn't cause herself any lasting damage and is happy now (although I don't talk to her anymore).

I was single for a year after losing my last GF (because of my ex) so don't feel like I have rushed into things. But on the other hand I feel like my head needs to rest and be on my own.

Saying that, I know I would get lonely quickly but even being in this relationship, I feel lonely.

OP posts:

Raffles1981 · 27/06/2018 15:07

Having a baby would definitely be a bad idea. Especially if you are carrying and she continued to smoke and do nothing about her weight. But you know that don't you? She may seem content but maybe she is also feeling like she is stuck. X

Battleax · 27/06/2018 15:11

Saying that, I know I would get lonely quickly but even being in this relationship, I feel lonely.

And that’s worse, because it’s loneliness without hope.

Pumpkinpie789 · 27/06/2018 15:13

Definitely don’t have IVF in this situation. Fertility treatment itself, regardless of the outcome, is demanding, exhausting and emotional. Then if you do get pregnant and have a baby you will be tied together forever whether or not you stay together. A baby will also make things a hundred times more difficult - even the saintliest and most considerate of partners (which it sounds like she is not) will wind you up when you’ve had no sleep and you have a screaming baby demanding attention.

I do feel for you and you come across as a very caring person. I feel like she may not truly be happy either from the way you speak about her weight issues and general apathy, but she may not know it. Maybe ending the relationship - or at least having an honest discussion about it - could be the kick start she needs?

FierceDragonMother · 27/06/2018 15:27

I think people give up on relationships too easily rather than working through the tough times.
There have been times where I've hated being around my DH but we love each other and we keep talking and we get through the crappy times and it makes the good times even better.

Just tell her that you feel disconnected and you want to spend more time focusing on the two of you.
Have a day where you have no tech, you sit and play board games, chat and cook and go for a walk.
It's amazing how we get so drawn out of relationships with all the busy life and tech distracting us.

Original poster

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 15:37

I took her away to a cottage in a rural area in the middle of May with no gadgets, just a coal fire, hot tub and board games and she acted like a hyperactive child. Bored senseless she was. Failed to embrace the opportunity to reconnect and nagged constantly to go to the pool - which we did.

By the end of the week we couldn't look at each other.

OP posts:

Tomatoesrock · 27/06/2018 15:41

SnapFart There does not seem to be much give and take, opposites do attract but do not really last.

It can be difficult to leave though from your OP I think you should, it sounds like your other half does not respect you.

Best of luck with your choice.

Sparklyshoes16 · 27/06/2018 16:12

Sorry I completely forgot to say like the others have said don't do the IVF take a month off at least until you've seen the Counsellor...is there any chance you could put yourself for a few days in a hotel and take some time off from work just to have some time out...alone...no contact with your partner just to get some breathing space...I would suggest telling her your plans but not where your staying so u can get some real thinking time?

Original poster

SnapFart · 27/06/2018 16:45

Sparkly

I would feel awful taking myself off somewhere. She is extremely close to her family and they would soooo judge me for doing so.

R.E. IVF I completely agree. I am worried though that the re-referral would take ages. I think I would do the IVF even if I was on my own.

I think I need to speak to her about everything but I really do find it hard pinpointing problems and then explaining them.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 27/06/2018 17:29

The dynamic doesn't sound that much healthier than your previous relationship.

Death by a thousand cuts
Makes fun of you
Doesn't want to connect with you
Her wants come first
You have to change to carry a baby
All the donkey work is for you
No sex
Won't compromise and go out and do things with you
You can't list any good points

sayanythingelse · 27/06/2018 18:16

Sorry to hear that you feel this way OP. If it wasn't for the fact you said that your DP is female, I'd think you were describing my DH.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice but I know how it feels to be unappreciated and feel like you're the only one pulling your weight in the relationship. It's a tough situation to be in because as you say, things could be so much worse but that still doesn't stop you feeling so numb sometimes.

Please really consider whether IVF is right for you. We have a 6 month old DD who my DH adores. Us splitting up would now mean splitting up a family and not just a couple :(

Sparklyshoes16 · 27/06/2018 22:40

It is going to be very tough for both of you but as tough as it's going to be, you have to be a little selfish and think about your wants and needs!

Her parents may judge but that's just something that will happen regardless of it's not this it will be your relationship or how you raise your child or the state of your house...people judge we all do it so I wouldn't worry about that...your head needs to be in a good place and you can't do that whilst your around her as those feelings of resentment will cloud things...I would try to at least take one night away from everything to give yourself a break.

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