Online dating - AIBU or this guy too intense?

[Grobagsforever]

Morning all

Been online dating for nearly a year now on and off, in my mid thirties so fairly clued up about all the oddballs/odd behaviour one comes across!

I'm aware I have a tendency to be unexpressive and pretty reserved (ok very). Chatting to guy who seems lovely and ticks quite a few of my boxes and I have agreed to meet him. What's bugging me is he feels a bit intense. He's told me several times he likes me - but we haven't even met! He has asked a lot of questions about what I want from a relationship and how a man would fit into my life. He says he is a heart on sleeve type. He texts a lot although doesn't do that thing of getting narky when I don't respond. He asked me if the fact he expresses his emotions freely would bug me.

Intense and needy or sweet and open? What's the view MM jury? I'm currently minded to cancel our date but I'm aware that I'm exceptionally reserved and have very high boundaries. Hence I wonder if IABU.
Sigh.

He sounds sweet, open and needy! That’s fine for him, it’s how he is. He is obviously aware that it might be off putting so could be just laying his cards on the table. To be honest it doesn’t sound like you will make each other happy from what you have said.

Fgs go and meet the guy at least. You'll be able to judge better in person whether its normal and open or too intense.

I think your opinion of him is already set in terms of first impressions and he'd have to be significantly different in person for you to lose the impression that he's intense and needy.

Personally, I'd probably still go for the date, because I'd regret not going and seeing for certain what he's like but I wouldn't have high hopes! Have you got anything to lose by going?

I met my DH after a year of online dating - good luck!

@hodgeheg92 - I'd lose an evening of my life and a bad date will make me grumpy! Plus the cost of the babysitter.

I do have a tendency to judge people quickly. I didn't like either of my now two dearest friends when we met so I'm trying to be a bit less 'me' about things!

Is probably worth at least meeting him, you can usually tell right away if it's not going to work.

I also met my DH online and he's amazing, I'm a big fan of online dating, our paths would NEVER have crossed in real life and I'd have missed out on having this wonderful man in my life.

Also I very nearly cancelled the date with my now husband as I got cold feet. So glad I didn't!!

Ah sod it, I'd go!

Most of the time I'm pretty damn right about whether it'll work before I've even met them but recently I got it very very wrong!

I don't trust my initial instinct anymore.

If you never let anyone past your wall then trying to date at all is kind of pointless. Spoken as someone who has been there.

I personally like intense.

Always go with your gut. Your description of him doesn't sound needy at all to me but if your gut is telling you he is then listen to it. Try the dating thread for lots of OLD advice.

Ha. Yes @sexnotgender I knocked my late DH back several times. Luckily he had persistence

I agree with PP that you should meet him and see.It's much easier to get a genuine feel for what he's like in person.

I think your mistake is to be chatting too long to him before meeting. All that does is give him (and yiy) a chance to get too invested before you meet and then it really can be a crashing disappointment when you meet.

I'm my experience, light chatting online, one phone call, meet. Make it as quick as possible. All this deep questioning etc is too much before you've met.

Yeah you'll have to go and meet him to tell really. He doesn't sound bad enough not to though.

I used to agree with you @BitOutOfPractice but then went a few dates with very upfront chatting and had some dreadful evenings e.g the guy who revealed he still lives with he ex, the guy who was clearly a control freak etc etc. I now do quite a lot of upfront screening as my time is precious!

Like yourself I'm reserved. I can get a little freaked out when someone is too forthcoming. Having said that you never really know what someone is really like until you meet them face to face. I think you should go. You'll know early on if he's your cup of tea or not. If he's too intense you don't have to see him again but he might surprise you, sounds like he might just be quite a warm and open person

Have you set a date yet? Keep us posted

But you are wasting all that screening time!

I don’t mean don’t ask them basic questions / do some screening. I don’t mean you should go out with every guy without even asking his marital status. Of course not. What I mean is weeks and weeks if “chatting”. It’s totally pointless because when you meet them it usually all goes out of the window anyway, one way or another.

How long have you been messaging this guy?

If you’re quick to judge then I don’t think OLD is for you.

I'm quick to judge and did just fine OLD.

Spent about a week chatting to a guy who ticked all my boxes and had great chat. Met up and I knew pretty much instantly it wasn't going to work, really disliked him in person.

Spent about a week chatting to my now DH, met up and knew right away he was something special.

It sounds like he's being upfront and open about his emotional needs and behaviours. That's a good thing! But it may not work for you, and that's fine. If he is too intense for you, you're not obliged to meet him or take it any further. It's just a case of what you're comfortable and compatible with.

Sexnotgender that just proves my point doesn't it?. You can do all the chatting and vetting you like but it makes no odds at all when you meet. You know then if it's going to work or not. I'm sure you vetted both the wrong guy and your DP equally carefully but you got very different results.

As I say, I'm not advocating dating every Tom dick and harry. But weeks and weeks if screening, in my experience anyway, is a waste of time

I'm not doing weeks of screening:) We've been chatting for a few days and will meet this weekend

I agree with you bitoutofpractice i was answering the post below yours.

I do think you need a little chat beforehand, I got talking to one guy who seemed nice initially then turned into a massive weirdo. I did not meet up with him!

Oh sorry sexnotgender I thought you were disagreeing!

It may not be weeks op but it's too much if he's getting all deep on you.

So yes, in answer to your op, he's too intense.

In my experience a lot of men were very needy on OLD

Why not meet for a coffee then decide.