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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I lost my shit this morning

44 replies

Serendipite · 27/06/2018 00:28

My DH is a very kind, smart guy who is the current sole breadwinner. I have just finished my masters and looking for work. I have always done everything around the house except wash the dishes at night.

This morning, I saw his clothes from yesterday on top of the hamper of clean underwear.

I got so mad. He’s a very intelligent guy who can create complicated softwares but utterly rubbish at anything practical like housework.

He reasoned he put it there because he is going to use to use it again as he didn’t think they were dirty since it’s Winter here.

AIBU?

I honestly have nothing to complain except for this and permutations of this.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 27/06/2018 00:34

Yes, YABU.

I would trade that over my husband's trail of clothes he wore to work from bedroom to living room. Then the trail of lounge wear later. Hmm

Arum51 · 27/06/2018 00:57

I get the angst. You run round like a blue arsed fly putting this here and that there and organising these into that then stacking this right here very carefully then... some fekkin ejjit comes along and dumps shit all over it. It's just rude.

You may be being a teeny bit unreasonable, but you should still give him the stink eye.

TwoBlueShoes · 27/06/2018 00:58

I can't really understand the issue. It's fine to re-wear clothes that aren't dirty. Better for the clothes, better for the environment.

Is it the re-wearing that's the problem or where he left his clothes?

Original poster
Serendipite · 27/06/2018 01:01

My issue is that instead of putting the clothes in the rack (where we usually put it) he placed it on top of the clean clothes! And he can’t understand the issue.

OP posts:
Noqont · 27/06/2018 01:05

Not worth falling out with him over it.

Sammyham88 · 27/06/2018 01:08

YABVU, can't believe you've actually come to MN for something so trivial, be glad this is the biggest complaint of your relationship...

Also, if you've been afforded the opportunity of studying a masters and currently don't work while your husband is the sole breadwinner then you should probably be doing all the household tasks and seeking some anger management if you actually did lose your shit over something like this..

Childrenofthesun · 27/06/2018 01:15

Erm, I can't understand the issue either. Unless the clothes were covered in mud or something, I can't see that they will have done anything to the clean underwear underneath. It sounds like you have different ways of doing things, but not worth going mad over.

PhaedrasChocolate · 27/06/2018 01:18

Sometimes it's the straw that broke the camel's back though, isn't it...

I totally get this. In itself, it's really trivial and petty. However, I get irrationally angry about this stuff as well, so I get it.

In my head, it's treating the work I put into the house as worthless. That's why I get angry. When it comes flying out of my mouth though, it doesn't sound anywhere near as calm as I've written it!

BrendasUmbrella · 27/06/2018 01:27

I could comment about the fact that you do everything domestically in a house where two adults live (except wash the plates after dinner), but if you genuinely feel that's not problematic I won't waste my time.

If the clothes were clean enough to wear again, they weren't going to ruin the clean underwear, I wouldn't worry about it.

MrsSarahSiddons · 27/06/2018 01:29

You are not being unreasonable if you've asked him not to do this on previous occasions and he is just ignoring you.
You are being unreasonable for using the expression "I lost my shit", which is disgusting.

TheMythicalChicken · 27/06/2018 01:34

Jeez, you need to spend some time in Relationships to see what a truly awful husband is. This would annoy me a bit, but certainly not enough to start a thread about it.

YABU. Sorry.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/06/2018 01:39

Why are you worried about what pre-worn clothes will do to items that you will put on your bum and therefore be dirtier after one wear than his clothes are?

Original poster
Serendipite · 27/06/2018 01:42

I realise this is trivial compared to the other DH problems. I just got really pissed off because I feel like he was being thoughtless. How hard is it to put the clothes in the rack? He’s worn those clothes outside and he puts them next to clean underwear.

I know I’m incredibly lucky that this is just the sort of annoying things he does but I got really annoyed. So yes I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
DiegoMadonna · 27/06/2018 01:46

He’s worn those clothes outside and he puts them next to clean underwear.

God, talk about highly strung.

Yes, you're being super unreasonable.

Original poster
Serendipite · 27/06/2018 01:47

Sorry meant puts them on top of clean underwear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serendipite · 27/06/2018 01:49

@PhaedrasChocolate

Yeah that’s exactly it! Of course now that I wrote about it I feel like yes I was being unreasonable and overreacted. But it’s these little things that accumulated and really got me so annoyed.

OP posts:
PhaedrasChocolate · 27/06/2018 02:09

Honestly, my dp is the kindest, sweetest man ever. He's my best friend. But OMG the mess he makes and doesn't clear up! It's a constant source of irritation to me, and he knows it, and still does it EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I have loads to be thankful for, but in occasion, yes, I lose my shit.

And I'm not highly strung or very particular. I just don't see why by virtue of having a vagina, I'm responsible for a grown man's mess.

SilverOnToast · 27/06/2018 02:09

It’s a tricky one isn’t it. I work outside the home and my DW stays at home with DD. I do really appreciate the systems she uses for things like laundry and other cleaning etc and am so lucky that she does it at all with everything else she deals with on a daily basis, but the reality is that the systems she uses are quite involved (more understandable since she spends more time there). I do things like clean up after dinner and folding laundry much slower and probably less efficiently than she’d like, not because I don’t care, but because her system is more familiar to her if that makes sense? I’ve left clothes in a place she doesn’t like on occasion (usually when distracted or not thinking) and have felt her wrath. I know I’m being unreasonable to do this, but I’m often not aware of some of the unwritten house rules that she uses, since I don’t spend a huge amount of time actually at home.

blackdoggotmytongueagain · 27/06/2018 02:20

He left the clothes he was going to wear again on top of HIS clean underwear? Or YOUR clean underwear?
It doesn’t really matter, obv - but why was whoever’s underwear it was not put away, and left somewhere that it could be contaminated by... er... other clothes?
(It wouldn’t have been put away in my house, to be clear, but neither would there have been any shit-loss.)
I usually find that I am really angry about my own failures when I take it out on dh for irrationally enraging crimes of domesticity.

Sprinklesplease · 27/06/2018 02:21

Sometimes it just gets to you Serendipite.

Trying to explain the kick in the teeth I felt when, last to bed after cleaning the kitchen, I get up in the morning to find it and the sitting room wrecked, I asked DH what he’d feel if he turned on his computer every day to find that someone had deleted half the code he did yesterday and muddled up the rest.

It worked for a few days, sigh.

DH has cleared tonight as I have some sort of summer flu, but hadn’t cleaned. It shocked him once when I was ill how quickly the place became horrendous to live in. But it shocked me more.

Original poster
Serendipite · 27/06/2018 02:22

He changed clothes and put the dirty clothes on top of the clean underwear hamper. We don’t put them inside the closet so it’s easy to grab in the morning.

OP posts:
kinkajoukid · 27/06/2018 02:24

My DH could be like this (though he had depression and was a complete and utter arse at times). Its so disrespectful of your effort. I'm sure he would object if you thoughtlessly made something dirty that he had just cleaned.

I do communciate 'the rules' though as its only fair to give warning and reasonsing behind it. People aren't psychic. But equally a pile of clean clothes is usualy recognisable if you just look at what you are doing and actually think

DiegoMadonna · 27/06/2018 03:05

Wouldn't your life be easier if you didn't lose your shit over such meaningless stuff, though? If I was getting annoyed that easily I'd be looking figure out why so that I could put a stop to it.

mathanxiety · 27/06/2018 03:42

Are you anxious that you will be left with the entire housekeeping role plus your new role in a job once you get one?

How about doing a flow chart showing H exactly what goes into each household task, including length of time each individual task takes?

That way you would ensure that tasks can be more equally shared once you get a job outside the home, and also that quality control can be maintained. You have probably spent years honing your system and you know what works. It would also show your H that clean underwear doesn't just materialise, and that you are right to complain when dust and whatever ends up being deposited on it all. Women's work tends to be invisible. Drag it out in the open. Make him see it.

If you want the house to stay reasonably ticking over, you are going to have to delegate, and to keep the results of this from driving you nuts I really recommend the flow chart. It has the added attraction of looking 'professional' as opposed to a bee in the bonnet of 'the Missus' - in other words 'just something important to a woman that can therefore be ignored'.

a pile of clean clothes is usualy recognisable if you just look at what you are doing and actually think
That is what is so maddening.
The lack of thinking.

Which equals the lack of consciousness that someone else's effort went into creating the clean underwear.
Which in turn equals the lack of appreciation for the time and effort, and also the time and effort that went into developing the system.

GinIsIn · 27/06/2018 04:16

Are you generally this anxious about utterly trivial and pointless things? Because this really isn’t a big deal at all, and you don’t seem to be able to recognise that even after PPs have said.