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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this an apology?

39 replies

TaleasoldasTimee · 27/06/2018 00:02

DP has upset me. Said a hurtful comment and knows it hurt me. His apology: 'I apologise IF I offended you

AIBU to this isn't a genuine apology?

OP posts:

Original poster

TaleasoldasTimee · 27/06/2018 00:12

*think this

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 27/06/2018 00:15

Yes. It's an apology.

Omzlas · 27/06/2018 00:40

Personally I don't consider "I apologise ....." an apology - it's lip service

Said with a patronising tone, gives me throat squeezing rage

CadyHeron · 27/06/2018 00:45

He apologised, and said he's sorry if he offended you. That sounds like an apology to me.
What else should he say? From what you've written, he's said sorry and didn't mean to offend you.

Chouetted · 27/06/2018 00:46

You are being a little unreasonable.
The implication is that he didn't mean to offend you, or wouldn't have been offended himself by it, not that he isn't sorry.

LilMadAgain · 27/06/2018 00:53

That's not an apology! It's a fauxpology if anything. He's sorry IF he offended you, he's acknowledging that you're upset but certainly not acknowledging that he has said or done anything wrong. I'd be upset with that tbf. Someone who was genuinely sorry they had upset you wouldn't mince words, they would simply say 'I'm so sorry I offended you, absolutely not my intent' etc

CoughArghCoughArghCough · 27/06/2018 00:53

It’s a bit shit as an apology. He knows he hurt you, so pointless to say “IF I offended you.” He knows full well he offended you!
I read in relationship type book once that a good apology involves repeating the hurt persons feelings back to them to show you’ve listened and understood. As in, once you’d told him or made it clear that he’d upset you, he would ideally say “I’m so sorry, what I said must have really hurt you and made you feel xyz.” etc. That’s an apology, not dicking around with ifs and offending.

HelenUrth · 27/06/2018 00:58

It's not a genuine apology.
A genuine apology is:
"I'm sorry THAT I offended you".
Ideally followed up with words that show insight and understanding as to why the behaviour was offensive to the person being apologised to.

Ginkypig · 27/06/2018 01:15

The use of if is not appropriate in an apology unless you are apologising for a comment or an action you didn't intend to upset. Or are not sure if you did cause upset

I'm sorry if I got in your way there
I a apologise if my comment hurt your feelings I didn't realise had happened to you.

An apology is supposed to be taking responsibility for your actions and recognition that you did something that hurt someone else in my opinion so if he said a hurtful comment then it should be I'm sorry what I said hurt your feelings, I shouldn't have said that.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/06/2018 01:20

Not a real apology, no.

Arum51 · 27/06/2018 01:21

It's a kind of apology. Not a non-apology, which would be "I'm sorry if you felt offended..." ie, look at you and your irrational feelings, I have no responsibility for them. But not a heartfelt apology, which would just be "I'm sorry I offended you". He's kind of left a bit of grey area, does he feel he's offended you, or not? Did he do the wrong thing, or are you a silly person getting worked up over nothing?

BrendasUmbrella · 27/06/2018 01:22

I apologize if you felt offended is a definite non-apology. It suggests that if you were a more reasonable person you would not have felt offended.

MrsSarahSiddons · 27/06/2018 01:26

It's not an apology. Does he have form for gaslighting?

steff13 · 27/06/2018 01:26

Nope, that's a nonpology.

Aus84 · 27/06/2018 01:30

If you want to get technical then no, not really, its a way of apologising without actually apologising. Like - he doesn't think he said anything wrong - but if you took offence then he apologises. A proper apology would have been "I'm sorry I offended you." "I'm sorry I said ....." etc

But if that's the worst thing that's happened all day then I would just let it go.

claraschu · 27/06/2018 01:31

Not an apology.

There are 4 parts to a real apology:
"I am sorry" (no ifs or buts)
"I did xxxx wrong" (acknowledge responsibility for action)
"What I did hurt you" (bothered you, annoyed you, etc)
"I won't do it again"

JustJoinedRightNow · 27/06/2018 01:32

Nope. I hate that implication that you’re the one who took offense at a comment he made. It doesn’t sound like it was an unthoughtful comment, you said it was a hurtful comment, so his apology needs to be better. There’s no “if” he offended you. He was hurtful, he needs to say sorry.

Dolphinswimmingupsidedown · 27/06/2018 01:43

Similar to ‘I’m sorry you feel’... a non-apology and not very nice, really.

Chouetted · 27/06/2018 01:57

Oh come on. The words don't define the sincerity of an apology.

If he's sorry, he's sorry, it doesn't matter if he expressed it by saying "ugawoup".

Disclaimer: My dad was never satisfied with my apologies, however I said them. The terror of feeling genuine regret but being told I couldn't because I wasn't expressing it to his liking has never left me. Don't do it to other people, it's not cool.

LadyOdd · 27/06/2018 01:57

Not an apology my step father did this all the time. I’m sorry that you feel this way, I’m sorry if I’ve upset you, I’m sorry that you didn’t understand I was joking etc etc

mozzybites · 27/06/2018 02:01

I say this, it drives dh nuts. It means that I am sorry he is upset but I don't think I was wrong.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/06/2018 02:29

It's an apology, but a very half hearted one. Depends on how serious the original offence was. So what was he apologizing for?

Nancydrawn · 27/06/2018 02:34

Conditional apologies are not real apologies.

I'm sorry that I offended you is a bit better, but it's still apologizing for your reaction rather than their actions. I'm sorry that I was offensive is, again, a step better than that--acknowledges their actions as problematic.

Best is, "I'm sorry that I did X. And though I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I did." This should be reserved for moments when one has been a thoughtless dickhead.

Otherwise, a straight up "I'm sorry" is fine and covers all bases (even if offered secretly grudgingly).

moredoll · 27/06/2018 02:49

It's not an apology I would accept from someone I knew. A stranger in conversation in passing, yes.
Your DP must still be a bit upset.

Original poster

TaleasoldasTimee · 27/06/2018 03:30

Thanks everyone.

Yesterday we had a major argument, we spent hours later talking. I told him I was feeling useless and like a shit mum. We're struggling financially and I've just finished uni. I work 3 afternoons a week but feel useless. This is linked to my PND and anxiety I think.

Anyway, on our way to bed we were 'bantering' as DP put it. He the ed around and said to me something along the lines of "Well what have you been doing all day? I work all day". After my breakdown of how shit was feeling.about myself last night, I felt it was below the belt.

I told him well actually I've been doing XYZ and helped him with his books (he's a teacher). He got defensive saying I couldn't take a fucking joke. I explained that I didn't find his comment funny and after last night, it hurt me. Then he gave me.his fake apology.

I don't believe it's sincere so we've argued about that too.

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