Is this an apology?

[TaleasoldasTimee]

DP has upset me. Said a hurtful comment and knows it hurt me. His apology: 'I apologise IF I offended you

AIBU to this isn't a genuine apology?

*on our way to bed tonight

Wow, So not a joke and certainly Not an apology in this situation

((((((Hugs))))))

A sincere apology usually acknowledges that what they did or said was wrong. His reply shows he doesn’t think his initial act was wrong in itself but he is sorry if it offended you.

Sorry I somehow missed your replies when I wrote my comment.

Reminds me of a meme I saw recently:

Man: You've been at home all day, why isnt the house clean?
Woman: You've been at work all day, why aren't we rich?!

I think it's a cop out. He knows you're offended so why is his apology conditional? It's because he doesn't want to take full and proper responsibility for his actions. Making his apology conditional on the question of whether you are offended or not indicates that he thinks his behaviour was fine and is only sorry if he needs to be because of YOUR feelings, not his actions.

Nope.
That is nnot an apology.

I used to work in customer services and we had phrases like 'I'm sorry you feel that this was poor service.' or just 'Sorry you feel that way'. At best it's acknowledging the customer's feelings without accepting any liability, at worst it's extremely patronising and carries an assumption that the customer is emotional and over reacting but we are going to be nice about it.

If it's followed up by a 'but..' then the person is actually contradicting you, but pretending not to. They could even be continuing the argument.

In this case it sounds like he didn't like your narrative about your shared life together and he's trying to reinforce the version where you have an easier time of it and he's the one who's got it hard. That's why he made this little 'joke' after your conversation where you revealed how hard you've been finding things. He's trying to re-establish the status quo and I think you did right to challenge him on it. Maybe that's why you're having such alarm bells about a 'harmless joke'. His reaction shows he still hasn't taken on board what you've said.

Urghhh, THIS!!!

The amount of times my DH used to say something along the lines of “I’m sorry if you FEEL I was being unreasonable” or “I’m sorry if I made you FEEL that way”
Just bloody well give me a nice normal apology, don’t apologise for me being offended!!!

Off piste, but this makes me think of that dreadful phrase - "I've done the xXxX FOR YOU" As in, " I've done the washing up for you", I've done the hoovering for you". Just why!!!!! NOOOO! You have done the washing up - it is not MY washing up, it is OUR washing up - and it is not MY job to do it, it is a job that needs to be done by one of us. The only time that phrase is acceptable is when something actually is the job of somebody else and you are actually doing it to be nice. If a colleague is run off their feet and you have a few spare minutes to do something to help them out, NOT for doing something that is as much your job as theirs!

I think a genuine heartfelt apology goes along the lines of -
Saying sorry and acknowledging what you've done
Acknowledging the effect it had on the other person
Saying what you'll do differently next time

For example sorry I said that, in hindsight I can see it was hurtful - I'll try and think about what I say in this type of situation more carefully next time.

My husband is always 'sorry, but...' the but implying it was all my fault! Drives me mad!!

Nope. Not an apology and actually on the back of a really shitty comment given what had gone on before.

It strikes me that he isn't getting it.

I agree with the majority and say it’s not an apology. I’ve used the same phrase myself when I’ve just wanted to ignore the real issue without accepting any liability just to make the peace. I think there’s a bit of harboured resentment from both sides, but he’s being particularly shitty and undermining your worth.

I think that saying 'I am sorry IF you were offended' is not an apology - the person 'apologising' in this way is taking NO responsibility for causing the offence, and putting it all on the other person, for their reaction to the original offence.