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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is inappropriate from my ex?

39 replies

andanotherheheheheh · 26/06/2018 21:07

6 days ago my husband moved out. I initiated the split.

He has come over today after picking up our son from nursery (agreed) and then gone into the kitchen with some takeaway chips and got out a hotdog bun and some sauce, put it on a plate and sat down eating his tea like he still lives here. He then fed the cats and put the bin bag out. Now I know these aren't BAD things, they are just ... I don't know... overstepping boundaries?

He also assumed he would be putting the kids to bed and I couldn't be arsed to say anything so I just let him get on with it but at 8:30 and no child asleep/still messing I said I think it's best you get off now (the children go to bed better for me). He refused and then started shouting how I couldn't dictate to him. My reasoning was that it is a school night, and I didn't want the children up any later.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

OP posts:

Sunnysidegold · 26/06/2018 21:13

Does he realise this is a permanent split or is he maybe of the opinion that he will be back in the house once you've calmed down? It's a bit odd but then you say you only split 6 days ago so maybe he isn't sure where the boundaries lie?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/06/2018 21:14

I don't think yabu however it is very early into the split an it was initiated by you. Like the PP said - does he think that maybe it is only a temporary thing?

c3pu · 26/06/2018 21:15

Set some boundaries, don't let him in if he can't keep to them.

Is there any reason why he can't have contact with the kids away from your home?

outofmydepth45 · 26/06/2018 21:16

Who owns the house ?

NotTakenUsername · 26/06/2018 21:16

What boundaries have you set? He can’t overstep something that doesn’t exist.

RedHelenB · 26/06/2018 21:17

Anyone thinking of the kids at all ?

Singlenotsingle · 26/06/2018 21:20

He probably hasn't got his head round it yet. And yes, who owns the house? If his name's on the deeds he's entitled to come in

Original poster

andanotherheheheheh · 26/06/2018 21:22

The reason I asked him to leave was thinking of the children, it was 8:30 and it's a school night.

I asked him that if in future he had a disagreement with what I'd said, could he come downstairs and we speak about it instead of shouting. I've also reiterated this in a text.

I've asked via text about contact arrangements and he has read the messages and not replied, and only started to mention it tonight in the argument. He is a very hands on dad and I don't want to take the kids away from him etc but that's how he's treating me. I do however, want them to be in bed at an appropriate time on a weekday. Weekend they can do whatever they like.

I do think he's possibly in denial.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 26/06/2018 21:22

Presumably after only 6 days, it's still technically his house too?

While I know you're NBU to want him to start feeling like a guest in your home (I've been in a similar situation) this isn't going to be an easy road for either of you. It's got to feel pretty shit to have your marriage ended by the other person and then be forced out of your home and away from your children against your will, even if you do have valid reason for making it happen.

Original poster

andanotherheheheheh · 26/06/2018 21:23

No one owns it, we rent. He still has rights in any event, but why move out if you're going to come in and overstep the separate boundaries? If he wants to do that, he may as well move back in.

OP posts:

FoxAndBear · 26/06/2018 21:23

Another 'hands on Dad' remark. So he's not a total waste of space and parents his children. When will we stop using such stupid sexist language.

outofmydepth45 · 26/06/2018 21:25

It's all so new, you need to both agree a plan. Are you going to be happy with him putting the children to bed in future? How old are they ? Where is he staying ?

There is alot to sort !

Original poster

andanotherheheheheh · 26/06/2018 21:25

Bore off FoxAndBear, I can't be arsed with MN pedants right now.

OP posts:

NotTakenUsername · 26/06/2018 21:25

but why move out if you're going to come in and overstep the separate boundaries?

What boundaries!? Have you set any? Your kids will suffer with this sort of fuck-wittery.

JacquesHammer · 26/06/2018 21:25

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

It’s so early in the split that boundaries haven’t been set.

Have a conversation and then you’ll both know where you stand in future.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 26/06/2018 21:26

My ex did this kind of thing too when we split up. He would be over familiar with me too, calling me “darling” and finding excuses to touch me. Like “oops, just need to get past you there so i’ll Move you by putting my hands on your waist”

You need to establish boundaries and enforce them.

JacquesHammer · 26/06/2018 21:27

Just to add, about 1.5 weeks after ex had moved out I texted him and asked him to bring something (can’t even remember what now). It was only when he turned up at the door with it I actually realised.

It’s all about you both learning a new way to interact. Be respectful to each other. Be kind to each other. Acknowledge you’ll make mistakes!

rainingcatsanddog · 26/06/2018 21:29

Yanbu to set boundaries. Next time he should say good bye at the door. He can tuck them into bed when they sleep round his house.

NewYearNewMe18 · 26/06/2018 21:33

To clarify - he has a legal right to be in the house ? He has a key? So he views it as his home (Who wouldn't after 6 days?)

Shumpalumpa · 26/06/2018 21:46

The reason I asked him to leave was thinking of the children, it was 8:30 and it's a school night.

You don't have to ask him to leave just because of the kids. If you don't want him there, then don't have him there.

Because of his reactions, I would start putting boundaries place quickly and start agreeing access (e.g. EOW)

Anon12345ABC · 26/06/2018 21:53

Why exactly are people being arses? Ffs, can't an OP just get some solid advice these days without idiotic comments.

YANBU. I think you will need to be clear. No he doesn't get to come in, plonk down and eat like he still lives there. He can come and put the children to bed, but it's in, see the children, put to bed by X time, then leave.

I know what you mean though. My DCs go to bed much better for me. I always find it calmer doing bedtime myself when DH is away. If your ex is going to rile them up, then he needs to know he'll have to just leave it to weekends. This isn't his gome anymore and it's not cruel to spell that out. And to point out that you need to keep discussions civil for the sake of the children.

JohnHunter · 26/06/2018 21:57

"You don't have to ask him to leave just because of the kids. If you don't want him there, then don't have him there" < If he is named on the lease and paying half the rent then is it really that simple? Assuming this is the case then the two of you need to agree these types of boundaries - it's not immediately clear that one party can just enforce them.

Maelstrop · 26/06/2018 22:02

He has the right to be there if his name is on the tenancy. He may have agreed to move out, but that does not mean he has to stay away. If this were reversed, people would be telling the woman to stand her ground, stay in the house etc.

If you want him out properly, you need to see if you can get him removed from the tenancy (unlikely).

User467 · 26/06/2018 22:17

Sorry but why is is OP, or anyone in a similar situation, allowed to decide that her OH should move out because she has decided to initiate a split. Why is she allowed to decide that the father of her children is no longer allowed to consider his home his home especially after only a few days and that he should now have boundaries as to when he can see his children. Go from major part of the family to saying goodbye at the door and seeing his kids EOW because that what OP has decided she wants? What about what her OH or her children want? OH has every right to move right back in if he wants. I'd like to see my dh try to tell me that he wants to split, make me move out leaving my kids then expect me to abide by his set times and "boundaries" in my own home.

Original poster

andanotherheheheheh · 26/06/2018 22:27

You know, I knew I shouldn't have written this thread because EVERY TIME these threads descend into being about who has a right to stay in the house. We know, we get it. It's getting really fucking boring now.

OP posts:

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