To think this is inappropriate from my ex?

[andanotherheheheheh]

6 days ago my husband moved out. I initiated the split.

He has come over today after picking up our son from nursery (agreed) and then gone into the kitchen with some takeaway chips and got out a hotdog bun and some sauce, put it on a plate and sat down eating his tea like he still lives here. He then fed the cats and put the bin bag out. Now I know these aren't BAD things, they are just ... I don't know... overstepping boundaries?

He also assumed he would be putting the kids to bed and I couldn't be arsed to say anything so I just let him get on with it but at 8:30 and no child asleep/still messing I said I think it's best you get off now (the children go to bed better for me). He refused and then started shouting how I couldn't dictate to him. My reasoning was that it is a school night, and I didn't want the children up any later.

AIBU to be annoyed at this?

It's often the mums that are the primary care giver for the kids, so 90% of the time it makes sense for the mum to stay in the house.

The fact that the ex was not bothered that his DC were still messing around past bedtime on a school night and then started shouting when OP asked him to leave so she could put them to bed tells us alot about the type of dad and partner he was.

Well someone had to move out didn't they? I'm guessing op is primary carer so why would it be her? And at some point boundaries have to be in place. They've broken up, he's not living there anymore. He has to get used to not waltzing into her home and treating it like his own. I don't know what people expect - a stand off?

@User467

What a bizarrely aggressive and unhelpful post.

YANBU I can see why you're bothered you want to transition from this being a shared house to it being your house. Since it's early days I think it would be a good to establish boundaries.

I guess it's difficult at the moment if he doesn't have a place the kids can stay in or even hang out at yet. I can understand him wanting to put his own kids to bed and spending time just playing with them in the house sometimes. (That said he was completely unreasonable to refuse to leave and to shout at you). I would establish these things in advance so they don't lead to friction - i.e. is he dropping the kids off or coming in to see them?

Not remotely aggressive and only unhelpful because it doesn't back up the OP. I understand it is usually the dad that moves out but if OP had been the one to move out of her home,leaving her kids just six days ago and her dh was now trying to tell her what her boundaries to seeing her kids were (such as saying goodbye at the door) then the responses on here would have have been very different. How will the kids feel that in less than a week their dad has gone from living in the same house as them to having limits on when he can see them.

@User467

My response would have been exactly the same. It’s early days, be kind and respectful to each other and set boundaries for everyone’s benefit.

I think it’s just very early, and it depends on why you broke up and the type of relationship you want to have after the split. Friendly, civil, cold - it’s time to think about that. Some exes are quite happy to have each other round for meals and spend time with each other. Maybe he is and you are not. In which case say so.

Ignore the ignorants here op.

It's very hard for both parties to start with and only six days in he's probably as confused about boundaries as you are.

He's probably frightened about losing attachment to his children.
Maybe you could sit down with him one evening when they've gone to bed and have a conversation about boundaries and reiterate about contact with the dc and how you want to conparent respectfully together?

Regardless of who initiated a divide or for what reasons as long as he's been and is still a good parent to his children he probably needs reassurance that he won't be cut out.

It's only six days so he's probably still pushing it a bit and hoping you'll go with.

You did say you couldn't be arsed to say anything to him about the domestic things he did but to be able to set boundaries and work it out together that attitude won't help.

I get your probably emotionally tired but so will he be.

I agree with user.

I actually feel a little sorry for him.

It sounds like you just need to set some boundaries. You both haven't figured out what you are comfortable with.

It will take a few mistakes on both parts to get co-parenting right.

You both seem to have the dc best interests at heart.

@User467 @JacquesHammer @crispysausagerolls

I think it depends on the backstory, which is not provided.
My husband wanted to maintain this type of contact and said how 'distressed' the children would be by this 'sudden and unexplained change'. My children were/ are relieved and comforted by the fact that I have not allowed him to have this type of contact. I have had to be very strict on boundaries for us all and it feels so strange organising things so there's no opportunity for a child to be belittled or aggressively punished by their father, but it had to be done. I am always more than civil and make sure he has appropriate 'electronic' contact when they are not with him.
Maybe the op has also waited for 10 years to escape him.

You text him and say very plainly:

'I will not have the children exposed to shouting and arguing. I will also not be shouted at and intimidated in my home.

'If you think your response last night was reasonable, then our split is going to be a difficult one. I would rather that not be the case, but I will also not put up with situations like last night.

'If your intention is to not respect that this is now my home but not yours, as you are still on the tenancy, then I will make plans to leave right now, so that you will NOT have the right to enter my home and refuse to leave. This will make contact more difficult as I will not be able to allow you into my home, in order to avoid a scene.

'I would much rather stay here and be able to facilitate frequent contact, but I can only do that if you in return will absolutely respect my rights in my own space.

'Let me know if you wish to start again on this, and if so we need a very detailed discussion on what we both will do to respect contact at the same time as respecting the new living arrangements.

'If you don't intend to do this, I will immediately start looking for a new place to rent.'

FizzyGreenWater Depending on what the ex is normally like I think those messages may be a bit too aggressive - is OP really prepared to move the children's home after (what I assume is ) a solitary incident? If not she shouldn't make false threats. Assuming he's normally a reasonable person and a good dad I think I would try very hard to maintain a positive relationship.

It's early days and though he was totally wrong for arguing and shouting especially in front of the kids it may be that he's just stressed by the situation and trying to assert his place in the family.

I do think it's unfair if he doesn't have the opportunity to interact with his kids in a home environment (put them to bed, play with their toys with them etc.). However clearly there need to be boundaries. I would wait until the dust has settled and find a calm time to discuss what those boundaries will be. Acknowledge that he needs to be able to put the kids to bed and have time with them where he's the parent in charge but also assert the need for privacy in what is now your home? Perhaps he could have the kids on a weekend evening so it's not a problem if they'e in bed slightly later - maybe you could go out for one evening so he has the time alone? The kids may settle easier for you but their dad is going to have to put them to bed during his time with them so you're all going to have to get used to that.

Why did you split up OP?