What would you do? AIBU? Sleepover...

[UserWorried]

So my DS (6) had a sleepover arranged for last weekend. I got all worried about it last minute because there is just something 'odd' about the family (especially mum and dad, and even more especially dad. Also kids just seem a bit 'odd' too - not well kempt, unusually 'good' and v v 'quiet), and I backed out, making some random excuse.

Anyway, afterwards I thought maybe it was just me being unreasonable, and new to the whole sleepover thing. DS was really upset to miss sleepover and begged me to rearrange. So, in a moment of madness, I rearranged for next weekend.

Now I'm panicking again. I really can't put my finger on what worries me about this family, they r just 'odd'. But then again, this is DS first sleepover so maybe it's me? and I'm worryingly unnecessarily?

I've always thought if something doesn't feel right, you shouldn't do it. But DS really wants to go.

What would you do?

Why don't you get the other child to come to you?

Can the child come to yours instead?

Listen to your instincts & have the child over to yours instead if you can.

I think it's too late for that ginger... also, if I did that, I'd feel compelled that when they return the invite, I'd have to let DS go.

I am feeling really trapped - like it will upset the friendship if I back out. How long can I keep saying no for before they think it's odd? Or maybe it doesn't matter.

I wouldn't send mine if I didn't really feel right for any reason. Just say you've had a think about it and you don't think he's old enough yet to go. He'll get over it, especially if you make a treat night instead at yours (not involving a sleepover). If you think the family is odd, trust your instincts. It doesn't matter what they or anyone else thinks.

So she is quiet and well behaved in front of you? You don't have to be friends with the parents and maybe they are just different to the other families you are friends with and that's not always a bad thing.

I meant he

6 is very young for a sleepover, especially as you don’t know the parents well. I would back out, and say that he still wakes up in the night or a similar excuse

Now I'm writing all this I think I've been worrying so much about upsetting the friendship and upsetting DS, that I'm ignoring my instincts, even though my instinct is screaming at me not to let him go. I'm gonna have to upset the friendship and risk losing it I think, and going to have to upset DS, as his safety is the most important thing and I really don't feel comfortable with this!

Your child is YOUR child. You do not have to let them go anywhere. If you have a gut feeling please listen to it!

Trust your gut, also 6 is very young for a sleepover

Trust your instincts. Just say that you’ve given it a lot of thought and DS seems too young just yet and is likely to not settle/get upset in the night or whatever.
Have a pyjama party instead with films and popcorn then parents collect before bedtime.

The trouble with going with ones instinct is that it can sometimes be based on subconscious prejudices.

Thanks bobstermum! I'm going to listen to you! I'm a real people pleaser and so worried about other people all the time. I really mustn't let this be to the detriment of my own child! I need to grow some..

Who would even consider sending a 6 year old on a sleepover to a family that you obs don't know very well and have a gut instinct about?

I can't fathom it. I'm in Ireland and sleepovers are not common at all until the teenage years.

No way would I send my 9 year old in these circumstances.

Your right lethaldrizzle, and this family may well be lovely! But I'd just never forgive myself if something happened... or what if something happened and I never knew...

In future just say 'we won't be doing sleep overs till they're 12'

in the mean time make up an excuse text 'I'm sorry to mess you about but DS is worried about the sleepover so we think it's best to wait a while' X is welcome for tea next week, when's best for you?

Thanks for talking sense to me wheelerdealer .. I know it sounds mad! I would say the same as you! But somehow I feel I've got myself into this crazy mess. I also just dont trust myself and my judgement these days, and thought maybe I was being unfair to DS

I would trust your gut. DS used to have lots of sleepovers at ours. No problem. He went to stay with a friends family aged 8, he'd taken his PS2 - lovely, have fun boys! A knock on the door at 11.30 - it was him! He'd been sent home because the family had to immediately travel to London (WTF?). There was no contact, no phone call no nothing. He'd walked 15 minutes aged 8 up the road with a PS2 in his rucksack at 11.30!
I still struggle to forgive myself for letting him go. Unless you know the other family and parents and know you can message them, speak to them on the phone then no. Trust yourself.

Just say ds has decided he doesn't want to sleep over and can you have the other boy instead. Six is too young imo anyway.

You have made the right decision OP. 6 is too young for non-family/old friend sleepover. Kick it down the road til 9 or 10.

Big fat no from me

Just tell white lie and say your DS is not good on / or not ready for sleepovers. That way you can back out without telling the truth.

My children didn't have sleepovers til the age of 10. I just didn't feel comfortable with it at all, so they didn't. I don't think it made a huge amount of difference to friendships and once they were a bit older, and I knew the families well, it's been fine.

In what way are they odd? It's not unusual for children to be well behaved but messy-their e parents are just trying hard to look really middle class.