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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu childcare arrangements

38 replies

AllCleverAndThat · 26/06/2018 20:32

Here’s my AIBU plus all the background so as not to drip feed.

We are moving to a new area and new job and school etc. DD is 14. We know only one or two people there but I’m not very outgoing or close to them .

My job will be 4 days per week 8am to 6pm.
Dd has a hobby she does and will need to find a new club. She will also be starting at a new school.

Right now she is a latchkey kid, but I feel it might be a bit much for her in a new town. My mum lives about an hour away and works as a carer. Her shifts are unpredictable. My husband, dd’s stepdad, commutes 2 hours daily and gets home around 8pm.

Here is what I was thinking. Find a club and if anyone from her new school goes to it, (obviously meet the parents etc) do this;

DD’s session will cost about £15.
Get the parents to pick dd up with their own dc after school around 3pm, have an after school snack at their house, do the club 6-8pm then drop dc at our house 8.15 is when I should be home.
I would pay their DCs subscription to the club (so £15 per session based on where we are here)
Plus £10 to cover school pick up, snack and drop off.

So in total I would pay them £25 once a week (it would cost me £40 in total). Is that being a CF? Otherwise I don’t know how dd will get to do the activity.

On another day of the week dd will get the bus home and make herself a snack. I will pay for a tutor to be with her from 5-7, looking at £30 for a uni student.

I was also thinking I could pay mums fuel (£20 )for her to spend one day a week with dd. She is always saying she does not see her enough. It is about 1 hr drive so she could pick dd up from school at 3, they can have dinner together (I would freeze something) mum can spend the night, then leave in the morning (drop off dd at school or dd can take the bus, whatever she wants.

I’m sure there will be some after school activity she can do one day a week at school so she is not alone so long. Then on the last school day of the week I can pick her up from school and also spend the weekend with her.

Aibu?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 26/06/2018 20:35

Whoa! Complicated. Sounds ok in theory as long as everyone co-operates. Give it a go - at least you'll be paying people

Original poster

AllCleverAndThat · 26/06/2018 21:14

Thanks Single. Are the amounts ok?

OP posts:

runwithme · 26/06/2018 21:21

The first scenario is quite generous. You're already paying for the other DC's subscription, so I'm not sure the £10 is necessary?
WRT the tutor, thats a big layer of responsibility for them, plus you'd really really need to trust them.
The deal with your mum sounds good, if it works.
I think in theory the first one and last one sound good as long as they are on board. Not sure about the middle one.

runwithme · 26/06/2018 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

AJPTaylor · 26/06/2018 21:26

if DD is free range now, and used to you working i think probably she will be fine. what time are you home?

InDubiousBattle · 26/06/2018 21:32

At the risk sounding like a totally naive old gimmer, can she not just take herself to her club one day a week, wait at home for you one day a week and spend the other with her grandma as you suggest?

Original poster

AllCleverAndThat · 26/06/2018 21:49

It’s a new job. 6pm finish . Home 7 with traffic BUT it may be ‘expected’ to stay later.

So paying the subscription only won’t be CFery? It’s food plus the ferrying so I thought it might need a top up .

It’s a new area and she’s not familiar with the busses so taking herself may be tricky. Also in winter she would be travelling alone in the dark.

OP posts:

sausagerole · 26/06/2018 21:52

I'd agree with paying extra for ferrying, if you can afford it. The other DCs club cost is exactly that, but doesn't cover the effort of collecting your DD and ferrying about to a club they might not otherwise go to.

That said, I'd personally do it as a favour but think it's a lovely offer if you can make it.

Blizzardagain · 26/06/2018 21:56

I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be. She's 14, she could organise a lot of this herself. The first scenario sounds fine if the club is important but the other nights she could entertain herself and get the bus surely? Your mum going one day a week would be a bonus. Getting the bus allows her to speak to people from school and explore the area a bit.

Singlenotsingle · 26/06/2018 22:00

I think you're being very generous

hidinginthenightgarden · 26/06/2018 22:02

This sounds over the top. Would it be cheaper for her to get a taxi to the club and back? Other days sound fine if your mum is okay with it.

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 26/06/2018 22:06

I think the first option sounds like to much of an engineered friendship at 14. As it will be a new friendship especially

wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 26/06/2018 22:09

Sorry posted to soon.

The tutoring sounds like more of a good option.

I wonder if you could carefully vet a student with a car / au pair for ferrying from school and language tuition. Also to facilitate picking up from school for clubs etc.

sma1978 · 26/06/2018 22:14

A tutor might not agree to be in the house alone with your DD. Safeguarding issues, for both of them.

PandaPieForTea · 26/06/2018 22:17

Are many 14 you collected from school? I wonder if you will be able to find parents who collect to get your DD too.

User467 · 26/06/2018 22:27

I'd find it very bizarre and a bit uncomfortable if a new parent to our school/club offered to pay my child's fees plus extra for me to pick up their child. I'd either do it for free because I'd become friendly with them or I wouldn't because I'm not a childminder .

Cantspell2 · 26/06/2018 22:35

What if no one else in the new school does this club your daughter wants to join?
Or the you find one who does, who’s mum is willing to do the ferrying and the girls dont get on or like each other?

Would it not be better just to give her money for a taxi? And she can make friends in the usual way rather than being trust at someone as it is convenient?

catherinedevalois · 26/06/2018 22:55

I wouldn't put any of these in place until you see how the land lies. There may be some good school clubs that she could go to 2 or 3 nights a week or she might be quite happy to go to the library for a couple of hours to do homework (or the school might do one) then let herself in etc. You say school ends at 3 which sounds pretty early. Round her it would be 3.40 then add a bus or train journey would take it to 4.30. That would leave 2 and a half hours on her own if she came home straight from school which doesn't sound too bad to me. What does she think?

Original poster

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 06:54

Thanks for all the answers - a lot to think about.

I’m reluctant to do the taxi thing. A regular journey alone with a strange man. Those Rochdale men were taxi drivers, some of them I think? I don’t think there is a bus to where the club is.

I’m interested in the student/au pair with cat - how would that work?

OP posts:

Original poster

AllCleverAndThat · 27/06/2018 06:54

*car. I’m allergic to cats.

OP posts:

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 27/06/2018 07:02

It doesn't sound like DD would have enough time to just hang out and do her homework or relax at home (but maybe she's outgoing and doesn't want to). As firth club arrangement I don't think it's cheeky (if anything you're too generous) but it's optimistic. You're relying on their being another kid at the school doing the same club and that the other kid will be friends with DD.I think if they're not good friends the arrangement would be awkward.

ZoeWashburne · 27/06/2018 07:16

I’m with User467- I would find it utterly bizarre to be approached by a new mum in school with this proposal. It seems like buying friends. It could really start you daughter off on the wrong foot. It seems like you are approaching mums as childminders/employees instead of friends. What happens if their dd is poorly and can’t go? Or doesn’t want to do the hobby anymore? Or the girls fall out?

Is there a bus/train she could take. Do you have uber (that tracks the car ride on their phone)? Could you get a babysitter that drives to take her (probably the same price)?

By all means, once she makes friends at the club see about carpooling and paying fuel.

missnevermind · 27/06/2018 07:25

You sound like you need a mother’s helper type of arrangement.
Or those rent a granny schemes that you read about.
She doesn’t need looking after just running about.

CosmicCanary · 27/06/2018 07:25

What does your DD want to do and how does she feel?

Seems you are putting alot in to ensuring she is not alone 3pm-6pm so what will happen in the school holidays when she is home all day?

At 14 I wouldnt expect to manage childcare for mine after school infact I dont know any 14 yo that does have childcare (outside of those with SN).

Bibesia · 27/06/2018 07:32

There are cab companies with woman drivers, you could make a specific arrangement that a woman driver does the run for your DD.

Off the point, but why are you moving somewhere that is an hour from your own and your husband's workplaces?

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