Anxiety over working, is this a thing?

[Joyousjobhunt]

I'm confused as to what the actual issue is here and really hoping someone else has experience of it (but at the same time I'm sorry if you do).

My dh, he'd always worked but then was sahd for a few years. Since last year he's been trying to get back into work - not for "fun" - we need the money. The first job had travelling issues, long hellish commute, he maybe stayed a couple of weeks. The next one had apparently unrealistic targets and dh left each day just feeling a complete failure. After a couple of weeks he started seeming depressed about it, was physically ill (vomiting, temperature, chills, sweating, bad stomach). We thought first it was dodgy food or normal illness but If he had a day off he was fine, then as it got closer to the next work day he would be ill again, no appetite, sweats. He quit. In the end just the thought of going there filled him with so much dread I wondered if he would come home at all.

Now he applied for pretty much a dream job. He really wants it and imo would do well at it. Pay is ok, conditions apparently ok, perks aplenty... but in the run up to every stage of it he's been ill again. He lost so much weight in the week running up to going away for training, he needs a new belt. Again he's had sweats, bad stomach/diarrhoea, feeling sick, admitted in one moment he thought about ending his life with worry about failing and wanting to do well.

He started off relatively well but said today he's been sick and dizzy half the day (he's not eaten a full meal at each mealtime since sunday) and is dreading tomorrow already. Half of me is pissed, because we really need the income, I can't support us all anymore and if he didn't get a job soon I'd be skipping bills to stay afloat, then goes the rent and we've nowhere to live. I can't earn any extra, this HAS to happen. It's not about money over health, but having a roof over the dc's heads. BUT, I don't know how to help. I've suggested bland foods, lots of water, it's like his mental worries manifest into physical illness, truly physical, I know he's not making it up. I can suggest gp but he still has three weeks of training left and it's non-negotiable, you don't attend, you don't get the job, and he really does want it, but something is messing things up for him and I'm not sure how to help.I've tried to help him rationalise every thought or worry he's mentioned, praised how hard he's tried to get this far through the recruitment process (was loooong), emphasised at every opportunity how proud I am and agreed with him about the positive things he's said. I just don't know how else to help.

I've a feeling I've said the answer though, haven't I? Quit this and see gp?

It's not just the ones I mentioned either, job interviews that seem even the slightest bit promising cause the same effects, so a different job wouldn't help iyswim.

I don't know the answer to your situation but I would find it very, very frustrating, and it would cause rows, so he's lucky you're more supportive than me!

Anxiety will cause these symptoms as everything gets speeded up including gut motility. He needs to relax. Do things he enjoys to relax. Breathing exercises, mindfulness etc- there will be videos on YouTube showing him how. Imodium will bung him up if he has the trots

How to access psychological therapies varies depending on where you live. Some places he will need to be referred by his GP, but not all. Google IAPT and your area, try to find out if you can self - refer. Some adult IAPT services are brilliant for accessibility now - offering online and telephone support. Good luck, poor bloke.

He should talk to his GP. Anti-anxiety meds made a huge difference to my life when I had similar issues.

Anxiety does this to me, it's awful to experience, and awful when the rational part of my brain is telling me to get a grip, and deal with it. My body doesn't seem to get the memo and still makes me ill. I imagine he's also feeling a massive pressure to be the provider and bring in cash as well. He's not doing this on purpose, to annoy you, or to get out of work. Something is out of kilter and needs attention now. In the short term, anti anxiety meds from the gp may help to calm him enough to start work. In the long term, breathing techniques, meditation, nature walks, exercise or anything else that gets his body to relax, or to focus on something else would likely help. I manage on a daily basis as a result of meditation, running, yoga nidra (for sleep), and cutting my to -do list. New situations and experiences bring up anxiety big time for me. Planning and knowing what to expect reduces the load for me. Good luck to him, and to you.

@SugarIsAmazing why would you row with someone for having anxiety?

I have anxiety and 99% of the time, the anxiety beforehand is far worse than the thing I’m anxious about.

So without wishing to minimise his suffering, I would be encouraging him to force himself to do what he has to do. On the basis that if he doesn’t, he’ll have even more anxiety because you won’t have enough money coming in to pay essential bills.

Definitely get him to see the GP, medication really helps. Therapy will have a waiting list but is also really helpful. Personally I found therapy worked best once I was on the right medication as when I was most ill I couldn’t engage with it, the meds got me to a place where I could get the most out of therapy.

MeanTangerine I googled it for our area, it's talking therapies here and you can self refer, I did last year and I encouraged him to do the same (we had a family trauma) but he saw it was no help to me whatsoever so didn't want to. And it's so complicated, I think he was worried it would bring up issues from his childhood that he long since "buried" after trying therapy as a teen and going off the rails as it didn't help. But I will suggest it to him. I do think he needs some help but we've been together almost 18 years and in his saddest moments I've yet to convince him it would help.

SugarIsAmazing I have my moments! But I can see it's physically affecting him so I keep the seething to myself as I know it won't help, he already feels a failure.

Wheretheresawill1 maybe we need to break out the yoga mats again, and will look into some breathing techniques for anxiety.

OP yes you're right, you said the answer yourself. This kind of thing doesn't tend to get better on its own. Well done for being so supportive

Oh and mindfulness! It's simple and it works. Maybe he could give it a try.

Spudlet I know where Sugar is coming from. From the side of the person not experiencing it it can be extremely frustrating, as you want to help but can't, and the pressure of everything else doesn't magically go away just because you're ill or otherwise unwell. I can see how and why it could cause arguments.

rosie it does sound hard and very conflicting, I can't even imagine it. Thank you for sharing. I know (now, didn't at first) it's not on purpose, but in day to day life, where he hadn't worked for 4+ years and had been "fine", to suddenly have these symptoms when needing to get a job, can seem quite the "get out" at first. It was only after seeing a pattern I've sort of figured it out.

I doubt the anxiety is about working as opposed to doing nothing, but there is something about work that's causing fear. Dealing with people/ fear of not being good enough (impostor syndrome)/ being away from your child etc might all be causing the anxiety. Has he been bullied at work in the past?

He does need to talk to someone. If there are waiting lists for NHS therapies then look into low cost therapies in your area. On what you've said he is unwell, so try to be supportive (although your own fears about paying the bills are also important).

But I can see it's physically affecting him so I keep the seething to myself

Mental health is just as debilitating as physical health. Please remember that.

Your poor dh; sounds really debilitating for him (and you op). With severe symptoms like that, I would have thought some sort of meds from gp will help initially as I imagine he won't be able to engage with talking therapies properly while experiencing such physical stress.

Oh I know it can! There's anxiety a-plenty in our house, on both sides. And the rows to boot. I guess it just seemed a bit odd to me to say in advance that she wouldn't be very supportive/would row. But that could just be self-awareness so I will wind my neck in now

Didn't mean to hijack Op, best of luck to you and your DH

Glumglowworm ("how can you be glum when a light shines out your bum?" I'm sure that's a rhyme somewhere, love your name) . Yes I've been encouraging "see how you go, once you get stuck in you'll probably be fine, you'll see it's ok" etc, and he's up for that, hence going off to training at the other end of the country, the distance probably hasn't helped, and I'd hoped he'd feel better a couple of days in but it's clear he doesn't yet. He's anti meds (from experience prior to knowing me) but I'll suggest it as an option, I just need to keep him going for now. He'll be home tomorrow for a few days so fingers crossed that will help.

Your poor DH. I know exactly how he feels and have been there. The connection between the gut and mental illness is only just being understood as well, but it’s definitely real and can have a huge impact.
He needs to see his GP about therapy and some anti anxiety medication to help him, he’s clearly in real distress.

to anyone saying they’d get pissed off - would you get angry at someone with a physical illness that’s out of their control?

Bombadier he was never like this before when he was working, it's only happened since the trauma we had last year, he said he doesn't feel like himself anymore. God it's all coming together now I think about it. It was weeks and months between interviews/jobs so the pattern was easy to miss as he was "regular" inbetween.

I promise I am well aware that mental health is just as important as physical, the quiet seething was in the early days as I didn't know what the issue was at all and it just came across as not wanting to change quite a cushy lifestyle. I just want to help him help himself.

Blimey, thank you everyone, I thought I would just be told he was lazy and ltb and nothing was wrong. Thank you all for being so kind.

I think he needs to step away from this particular job opportunity considering the impact on his health. Then visit the GP and discuss it with them. Maybe he can be referred for some form of therapy - I did CBT but I didn't find it helpful. Maybe the solution is medication. But he needs to step away and get it under control because it will only get worse if you try to plough on.

I suffer anxiety quite badly - made worse by autism - and last year I had to take time off work and start taking medication because the dread and stress about going to work was making me ill. I love my job. I love my colleagues. So it makes no sense, but anxiety often doesn't!

I understand that getting that wage coming in is important for your family, but as someone who has been at rock bottom several times over with anxiety related issues, I think he needs to look after his health and mental wellbeing - get himself in a good position to start a job.

Also; might it be helpful for him to drill down to what is causing his anxiety more precisely?

Could it be the stressful commute in first job set off a form of agoraphobia?

Could he be worried about having panic attack/vomiting in a public place or at work which has become a vicious cycle?

Or is he depressed/ having lost his confidence as sahd and the amount of energy that it takes to rally for work causes too much stress currently?

Or something else entirely?

He might find it really helpful to talk to someone who is experienced with anxiety issues so in your shoes I would be booking urgent gp appt now, particularly if your dh has mentioned suicide. I am not hcp but I have sadly had experience of suicide and anxiety in my family.

Just to add, you mention that he is anti-meds. Ask him to really give it some thought before turning them down. I was very strongly against taking any meds, but I sat down with a colleague to talk through my anxiety (we have mental health champions who are volunteers who you can go to for advice and a friendly ear - I am one as well!) and she mentioned that she has been taking a low dose for years and it helps her get by. I've now been taking a low dose of citalopram for 8 months and it's made a massive difference to my quality of life.

Don’t underestimate the power of a decent medication. They can work wonders and give people their lives back. People have to help themselves and I’d be rather cross if someone wasn’t at least prepared to try them. They’re not addictive.

OP, regarding IAPT - you can tell him that they won’t be delving into his childhood because he’ll be offered CBT if he needs support with anxiety which sounds like it’s the case. CBT is about the here and now (while not ignoring the past or seeing it as irrelevant), helping your DH to identify unhelpful thinking patterns and patterns of behaviour that maintain the anxiety, and once identified helping your DP to find more helpful ways of responding. You may have had traditional counselling (also available through IAPT) which tends to look more at past experience and trauma focussed therapy whether CBT or counselling based is different again.