Anxiety over working, is this a thing?

[Joyousjobhunt]

I'm confused as to what the actual issue is here and really hoping someone else has experience of it (but at the same time I'm sorry if you do).

My dh, he'd always worked but then was sahd for a few years. Since last year he's been trying to get back into work - not for "fun" - we need the money. The first job had travelling issues, long hellish commute, he maybe stayed a couple of weeks. The next one had apparently unrealistic targets and dh left each day just feeling a complete failure. After a couple of weeks he started seeming depressed about it, was physically ill (vomiting, temperature, chills, sweating, bad stomach). We thought first it was dodgy food or normal illness but If he had a day off he was fine, then as it got closer to the next work day he would be ill again, no appetite, sweats. He quit. In the end just the thought of going there filled him with so much dread I wondered if he would come home at all.

Now he applied for pretty much a dream job. He really wants it and imo would do well at it. Pay is ok, conditions apparently ok, perks aplenty... but in the run up to every stage of it he's been ill again. He lost so much weight in the week running up to going away for training, he needs a new belt. Again he's had sweats, bad stomach/diarrhoea, feeling sick, admitted in one moment he thought about ending his life with worry about failing and wanting to do well.

He started off relatively well but said today he's been sick and dizzy half the day (he's not eaten a full meal at each mealtime since sunday) and is dreading tomorrow already. Half of me is pissed, because we really need the income, I can't support us all anymore and if he didn't get a job soon I'd be skipping bills to stay afloat, then goes the rent and we've nowhere to live. I can't earn any extra, this HAS to happen. It's not about money over health, but having a roof over the dc's heads. BUT, I don't know how to help. I've suggested bland foods, lots of water, it's like his mental worries manifest into physical illness, truly physical, I know he's not making it up. I can suggest gp but he still has three weeks of training left and it's non-negotiable, you don't attend, you don't get the job, and he really does want it, but something is messing things up for him and I'm not sure how to help.I've tried to help him rationalise every thought or worry he's mentioned, praised how hard he's tried to get this far through the recruitment process (was loooong), emphasised at every opportunity how proud I am and agreed with him about the positive things he's said. I just don't know how else to help.

I've a feeling I've said the answer though, haven't I? Quit this and see gp?

wrenika I will speak to him when he comes home tomorrow, I don't want to upset him more while he's there. We'll make the finances work somehow I'm sure (I hope), I'd rather have him healthy. It's just such shitty timing to figure this kind of thing out, but I guess mental health doesn't care what you're doing in life. I'm sorry you've had experience of this - that's exactly it, he'd love this job and says the people he's met so far are lovely, he's excited about what we could do and has made grand plans for the future, but just can't seem to get around feeling this way. He says he doesn't understand it himself.

I'll help him through some options and see what he wants to do.

What a shame, I remember the guy churning anxiety a few months ago when I applied for a new job. I couldn't eat and had diahorrea on the morning of the interviews. However I was able to talk myself through it as I knew it would be great thing (payrise & better commute). I think this is what your DH is lacking.. it's normal to get anxiety in this situation, but if he can't overcome them he really needs to seek medical help.
Can he pin point exactly what is causing the nerves over & above 'working'?

He needs to accept that he needs help, that he needs to see a professional and accept the help that they offer and not chery pick or make excuses. Not working for the rest of his life isn’t an option and so he NEEDS to get better. If he doesn’t take this seriously and seek help and do the right things he is behaving quite selfishly, as a father and a husband. You can’t carry him financially without resentment unless you’re both sure that he has done everything in his power to get better. I say this as someone who has had similar issues. It doesn’t sound like this is going to get better on its own, in fact it will probably get worse. And the longer he is out of work/the more five minute jobs he has on his cv, the less employable he is going to become. He does need to act.

I don’t find it surprising that a return to work can make somebody anxious to this extent.

I’ve always considered myself a no nonsense type of person but I have been out of my career work for five years (have done some work but always fairly menial, nothing much expected of me) and I am now looking to re start my career. And even typing covering letters makes me sweaty and anxious because it is so intimidating to imagine being back in an environment where I’m expected to prove myself on a daily basis.

I hope your husband manages to get it under control and ends up in a job which helps the family financially and boosts his confidence.

Maybe hypnotherapy could work? Or more immediate help could be relaxation apps, there are lots of them. Good luck to you and your husband, anxiety is irrational and completely debilitating when it’s severe

Reading back I can see that my post seems a bit harsh - sorry, I didn’t mean it to. What I was trying to say is that when you’re in the grip of anxiety it can feel bizarrely safer to stay anxious than to tackle the issue. Hence excuses about medication, therapy etc. But he needs to do something differently if he wants a different outcome. And while you can be supportive, do beware that you don’t enable his anxiety too. He needs to tackle this for all your sakes.

He needs to get anti-anxiety medication from his GP.

It sounds like a phobia ....

Rewire your anxious brain is a book which helped me. In summary, breathing exercises, relaxation exercises, and exercise. Swimming and yoga are good to teach your brain to focus on breathing. That and meds have sorted me right out!

Scoopofchaff I'm not sure exactly, maybe it is the pressure or wanting or needing to do well, I'm not sure. But I do know it isn't agoraphobia or anything like that, and this job will have a van so no commute as such and he loves driving. I think possibly what happened last year has just shaken his confidence and general belief in other people so much.

wrenika For the meds side, it's not so much he thinks they can't help or people shouldn't use them, he physically struggles to take even paracetamol due to a past medication experience, but that was a long time ago so I will still suggest it.

YouOKhun thank you - cbt might be better from what you've said. He doesn't want to open a can of worms, so to speak. Yes I had the "sit and tell me what's wrong and I'll encourage you to share more but won't offer any help" kind of therapy/counselling. It did less than nothing unfortunately.

TheProvincialLady no I agree, I didn't take it as harsh. It's true, but I think I'll have to help him realise the pattern and let him know it's ok to need help (though he should know my thoughts on it as I've tried help myself) but I'll make sure he knows.

Love 51 thank you for the recommendation, I'll look up the book.

Whatever it is op, I hope your dh can get the support he needs and plough on through. Wishing you both the very best of luck

Hang on, what trauma? You didn’t mention this in your first post? What happened?

Thank you Scoopofchaff

Kristen I didn't mention it because I kind of maybe put two and two together over my postings. The traumatic event was something both of us and dc's went through so nothing actually to do with work as such and not something he dealt with alone, so it didn't automatically flag up for me. I don't really want to say what it was, I'd have to edit with a trigger warning, it's painful, etc. But it involved one of our dc who is pretty ok now but it shattered our lives in an instant. We've put things back together quite well I think but it changed both of outlooks, and I do wonder now if this is what has beaten his confidence and caused anxiety in him.

work anxiety is definitely a 'thing'. I know a couple of people that have it.

I'm sure it's terrible but, as they both have a partner to support them and therefore can get by without working, I'm almost kind of jealous. Which sounds awful but I have social anxiety instead. So I see them on facebook etc going out having a great time with friends in a way that is never possible for me. Whereas I'm fine to work but can't do the fun stuff.

I'd probably change my mind if it was a reality but I often feel l'd swap types of anxiety in a heartbeat.

Hi everyone, thank you for the previous replies. Well I did tell dh what I thought about how he's feeling. He wasn't so sure and decided to carry on with his training. He did, he did well, until last week when he finally broke.

He was having suicidal thoughts and trying to plan it so none of us would have to find him.

BUT he recognised that wasn't normal and something clicked for him. So we've been to the gp (given sertraline for 2 weeks) and told to self refer to cbt. He's had a call back for assessment for that today. His work were fab despite being on probation. Basically, take your time, your job is here when your health is better.

All that is great, but gosh, it's hard. It's like, since that morning everything is so difficult for him. He doesn't want to go anywhere alone or at all unless really needed, he says his head is fuzzy and he can't focus, he just wants to be able to focus. The kids don't know what's wrong, just daddy's not feeling very well and that's fine for now, and his behaviour is ok, just quieter than normal. And he keeps having horrible nightmares, I'm not sure what of, suicide I think, when I woke home this morning he said if I hadn't he hoped he'd have woken up before the end.

I wish I could give him a bit of hope and I know he appreciates I'm being supportive, but it is a bit draining to me myself. I think my mental health has come on leaps and bounds since last year but I still find I feel like I just want to crawl into a tiny hole and have nobody notice me, is the only way I can describe it. I've deactivated my Facebook, not used it in month's anyway, and it's just hard sometimes to feel motivated when I'm doing everything plus working. My boss is great though half days here and there, she's been through similar to dh herself so understands how debilitating it can be. I think I'm just venting...very glad for mumsnet

I get this all the time, particularly before any changes in the workplace or any training I need to go on. Something that really helps me is being able to text my partner if I’m feeling a bit iffy and have him text me back straight away with encouraging words. Just to know that someone knows what I’m going through at that precise moment and can help me get through it (even if it is only with a text) really does help. Maybe if you can support him in this way for the first few days of training he might be ok. Anxiety is a killer, good luck

Theonlywayisscotland aww that's sweet, i do try and text him encouraging things as much as possible. Thankfully the training has finished, and actually was in Scotland! (Apparently he found it difficult to get a bottle of coke, everywhere was full of iron bru!)