I didn't quit my job so I could run around after everyone else... AIBU?

[Superbirdtrooperbird]

After struggling for months with serious anxiety, a spell in hospital with an unknown allergic reaction and a complete and total mental breakdown, I decided to leave my job. DH earns enough that I'm lucky to be able to do so, for a year realistically. We're moving in the summer holidays and I want to get as much packing/clearing done while the kids are at school so when the holidays come, we can just go.

After all the 'so you won't work at all, whatever will you do with yourself?' comments had settled down, I started to become the go-to gal for things that other people can't fit into their day.
This week alone I have picked up prescriptions for SiLs kids, waited in for a delivery and the gas man for her, run countless errands for my mum and been 'emergency' child care for 2 friends (the emergency being they'd been out for lunch and chatted too long so wouldn't get to school in time). It's always preceeded by 'seeing as you're not working, could you...'

I've said no to a few things this week too. I'm fully in the 'no is a complete sentence' camp, and I'm assertive enough that if I can't/don't want to do something, I won't. But AIBU? DH thinks I'm not, but I always have the little niggly guilty feeling when I say no. If it's a genuine emergency, I'll do it. But I feel like there's a degree of cheeky fuckery going on here, and I need honest opinions!

For information, I have 2 DCs myself, and DH works long hours, a very long way away so I do have my own shit to be getting on with. I'm not the lady of leisure that everyone seems to think I am!

Time to channel Phoebe Buffay.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=n780KlqdEwE

Am I the only one who got a sense of sarcasm from @elasticity

YANBU. Before you left your job all these people asking for favours somehow managed without using you to do their errands so they can keep cracking on with it now as well.

weezol I channel phoebe daily She is my most favourite and best.

Even if you hadn't been unwell they would be cheeky fuckers.

Yanbu at all.
Say no to all of them - except SIL - do her a monthly invoice at the same hourly rate that you used to pay her.

Keep practising saying no, eventually (I hope) they’ll stop

Put DCs school and DH on psecial ring tones and don't answer your phone until early evening unless those tones sound. Same with messages. Check them too late. When I first worked from home, I had this for years. Could I just cross London for two hours to pick up DSis's children from school, wait til she got home then head back for two hours, because she'd yet again not sorted out childcare, despite working full time. Could I just take a day off to help DM&D build a garden fence. Could I just meet endless unemployed friends for endless long coffee chats about their boyfriend problems and their job interviews. No wonder my business struggled. It wasn't until I just ignored calls and gave myself a chance of working a full day that I managed to start earning a living.

YANBU! Learn and practise how to say, 'No, I can't do that.' Elasticity is your SIL

So next time SIL asks you to wait in for the gas bloke etc, casually drop into the conversation 'I presume you'll be paying me the same, then?' and video her face. Priceless!

As a teacher, people thinkI do sod all in summer. It's unbelievable how busy I am, 3 dogs, 3 separate walks due to various issues, all the housework, cooking, garden (it's big!), washing, absolutely everything. My DH pulls his weight when we're both working and I ensure he has nothing to do when he's working and I'm not. I don't have time to wait in someone else's house for their workmen!

I would not even suggest she pay you if she suggested you do childcare in return for a mani/pedi. She wouldn't anyway. Just tell her sorry, I'm not available for that.

I'm amazed that you have been asked tbh.

If they knew for example that you were popping into town anyway then asking you to pick something up whilst you're there is perhaps OK.

You've given up work-how does that mean that their lives have been affected?

It obviously doesn't.

What they did before they can still do.

And so what if you were a lady of leisure?

Well, you DO have more time and flexibility than someone who is working as well as moving, parenting etc. But that doesn’t mean that everyone should treat you like their own personal SAHM / homemaker.

Most of us would like to take a year away from work in such circumstances: no point if you suddenly fill every day with everyone else’s stress and errands til you have no time for your own stuff. Might as well stay at work and get paid for it!

It is important that you recover properly from your illness and break down, you have an absolute right to do what you like with your own time without justification ( so what if you did choose to sit around gazing at the clouds all day?), and your SIL is a top CF.

I hope your move goes well,

YADNBU! You need to start saying no more often or people will just use you for their own benefit. Put yourself first and look after your health .

Your full time job for the moment is making sure your recovery stays on track.

You must not feel guilty. Turn your phone on silent is my best advice, field your calls, and miss all the ones you know will be asking for something. Reply days later with a quick text that you have been busy hope all okay. Bright and breezy.

Become incredibly unreliable, it is the the ONLY way.

The people that are making those comments and making demands do not truly care for you, if they did they would jeopardise the important task of you feeling completely well and balanced again. So no needs to be wheeled out routinely, and I am so sorry but I can't do that as much as I would love to. You need lots of these responses if you caught on the spot:

Sorry we are out that day
Busy just at the moment with the dc, but will get back to you
Let me get back to you (then decline)
Would LOVE to but I am already committed that day

You can be nice and friendly as anything and still say no.

It is your life, and you decide what is important and you are not an unpaid PA/childminder/dogsbody!

would not jeopardise

Werk I did wonder if elasticity was my SiL
I do appreciate that I'm lucky enough to have the luxury of a year off work, I know many (most even) couldn't manage financially. We couldn't 4 years ago. DH was unemployed for 2 years and I was the sole wage earner, and then employed but earning less than me so I worked every hour I could physically manage during that time but he was offered a significant promotion this year and we decided together that me taking a year off was not only financially viable, but in the best interests of us as a family. It pisses me off that I feel the need to constantly justify a choice we've made, but sadly that's still the way of the world. If you're a working mum you're not putting your family first, if you're a sahm you're a lazy layabout! Not saying I believe either of those things, having been both, nor do I think that everyone on MN believes it either, but it seems in RL judgement is real and you really can't win.

You really can't win in their eyes. For yourself, you can win. Your DH is able to support the household while you take a well-earned and much needed year off, to tackle your household's needs at a bearable pace. Not letting other people rob you of this time (which you are paying for by eschewing a salary) is your win. But they aren't "losing" either, because, as others rightly pointed out, they were managing before. You're not taking anything away from them by not being available.

I actually think the SIL has a point insisting on being paid for the school run. No-one's going to take her for a mug. Bit mean not to do you the favour under the circumstances, but she may have feared the slippery slope - or maybe she just wasn't thinking. Anyway, I think the bottom line is that some people only value your time if they're paying for it. If you quoted hourly rates in advance the CF requests would soon dry up. (You could still say no if they didn't.)

I do hate the ' lady of leisure' tag that goes with being at home or only working part time or whatever.
really winds me up.

You paid your sil for childcare even though it was a struggle because she wasn’t working. Obviously as she did regular pick ups, you shouldn’t have expected regular freebies. A one off is different.

Now you’re too ill to work and the situation is reversed. So you’re not working yet she still expects to be paid in cash for any ad hoc childcare but has offered a beauty treatment in return for minding her kids. Yeh right on sil. 😠 On top of that she expects you to plaster a smile on your face when you’re feeling ill and anxious to attend call outs to her house. All for the measly sum of nothing.

Yes. You deffo need to be unreliable. Hard isn’t it? My sil lives miles away. We no longer speak. But she’s a piss taker as is my brother. I’m very ill, chronically ill in fact yet they will dump their child on me. Did so the day of my stepdads funeral so they could stay down the pub and drink.

Scrub has nailed it.
Step away from "you cant win in their eyes"
You dont have to justify yourself to anyone.
Nope,no and nada in reply to texts and demands.
Sorry you are unwell OP but to stand a chance of recovery you have to build resilience into your daily life.
There are CF everywhere and you have to build a wall of NO around you.
Its ridiculous running errands for perfectly capable adults.
Stuff can be bought online/arrive next day and prescriptions filled and sent to your door.
CC for a mani/pedi
God that made me snort !
I would ratber cut my own toes off thsn give up a day of peace and quiet to look after other peoples kids !

We offered to pay SiL as, at the time we were both working and she wasn't. It was a mutually beneficial agreement and everyone was happy, it worked well for us. I would never have expected her to provide childcare for free if it was to enable us to be at work on time. I could have managed morning drop offs myself, but it would have been a rush, and neither of us were back in time for pickups. DH was home at 4.30 so it was an hour of childcare in the afternoon (plus half an hour in the morning) and before that, when DH was unemployed he did all school runs obviously.
I felt a terrible guilt when I left work as we'd no longer be paying her for childcare, but she had started a new job by then and fit work in around school runs, plus her boyfriend moved in last year so they're financially in the same position as us now.
I think part of the problem is that her closest friend, who was also a sahm, has moved away too and its partly that she feels a sense of abandonment (not helped by the fact we're moving soon) and partly that she misses having someone run around for her. She always seems to need DH on the weekends, to assemble a trampoline last weekend and this weekend to help her in the garden (he's told her to get stuffed more than once, her boyfriend can more than manage all that shit). She's got the raging hump because we're going away for my birthday next weekend and can't help her do a bbq, which she only mentioned when I told her we were going away
Shes pretty manipulative IMO, and DH has spent years being totally blind to it, but I figured he'd work it out on his own without me saying anything, and he has. I think the final straw for him was when she insisted that her eldest DS could only go to football on a Thursday evening if DH took him with our DD. He said we could share the job, he does one week and she does the next, but her argument was that she didn't want to drag her 2 youngest every other week and she didn't want to leave her boyfriend to babysit?!

The more I think about it, the more I see the Cf behaviour I've tried to ignore for 5 years!

OP looks like a case of the SIL being in control for such a long time over what’s on and what’s not that it’s become the norm for her. I know you don’t want to upset her seeing that you will be moving soon etc but you Should have made it clear to her that when you were working doing the school runs were a responsibility for her hence the payment. Now your not it’s a favour and vice versa as you can do favours in return ie, her not charging when you had the hospital appt and you picking up prescriptions. She clearly needs to understand that favours work both ways and just because your DH is her DB does not give her the right to free passes as they both have family responsibilities that come first. Or maybe suggest setting up a payment system that works both ways so it’s pay per favour so you both don’t end up owing each other favours. Especially now that she’s earning and has a partner who is also, I bet when the money side comes into it she will get the hint. And remind her that means favours for when she needs odd jobs done too!! It’s a shame but some people need wake up calls! As for others please don’t feel guilt or feel it and don’t let it bother you because you know it will become a habit as you will the emergency go to for everyone that you become reliable for and then that one time you refuse they will have the hump. I have been there. Another mum who I became friends with at our DC school asked me to help out with after school care for 2 days a week as she was training for a new job and she would get some permanent arrangements made once job started after a months training and guess what 2 months down the line I’m still after school care and some weeks it was 3 days a week for overtime. I didn’t mind really as the kids would play and were well behaved but financially it was getting to me as I was feeding them. So my kids plus her 3 so I asked for some contribution towards the food expense and the following week she dropped off a box of 12 chicken nuggets when she picked up her kids. That was an insult I didn’t ask her after that and a week Later made an excuse can no longer do as we have plans after school most days. Well soon after that the friendship also fizzled out now we just smile and say hello at pick ups and drop offs. Some people will only want to know you if you are a potential help. I guess with family you can’t choose but friends and overall you have to learn to be balanced otherwise it can become negative.