partners kids jealous of our relationship, how to handle?

[dalmationdotty]

In a quick nutshell. So I'm separated from my husband about 2 years and been seeing this lovely guy for about 6 months and it is going really well. It's pretty serious and i'm very happy. He introduced his kids to me from day 1 pretty much. He's been separated a year and his ex started seeing someone within a week of him moving out. My kids have yet to meet my partner. Anyway we have one weekend together and one weekend with our own kids. Occasionally on our weekend together we may end up having his children for a night or day or whole weekend. They stay at my house in the spare room. He has 2 children aged 12 and 9. Both very sweet and both seem to like me. Im pretty careful not to be too physically affectionate with my partner in front of the kids, a gentle touch as I brush past or quick peck on the cheek. No snogging! More recently the 9yr old boy has been saying to my partner that he loves me more than him and crying a lot. Background story is that he has never slept in his own bed since birth and always slept with his parents and still does. Even if we play hide and seek he won't go off on his own and has to partner with his dad to play. So when at mine he wants to sleep in the same bed with his dad. I said its fine i'll go sleep in one of my kids bed and they can have my room. But his dad has said no and this has led to tantrums and tears and declarations that he loves me more. They don't go to bed till very late (11pm) when they stay at mine, again not my kids, so his rules and then the son insists that his dad goes to bed at the same time as him. Last time they were here, we found the son crying upstairs having been spying on me and my partner sitting in kitchen and when asked what was wrong he said you two were laughing together. I have taken a big step back and just letting my partner deal with it, he says he'll grow out of it. His ex has a partner too that stays over all the time and the son doesn't mind at all. Weirdly the son does like me and we play together a lot when he is with us and he always ask me when can he come back to my house but now and again we get these issues and tbh if every time the kids stay over I've got to cram myself into a childs single bed its going to start annoying me! Anyone experienced step kids and advice on how to deal with this? All i am doing is giving the kids attention not their dad when we are together.
The daughter on the other hand is totally fine.
I don't want it to put stress on our relationship. Help!

He shouldn't have introduced his kids to you "from day one" for a start and neither should you have agreed to meet them. Extremely unfair on the children. It's been 6 months, what do you expect?

Do they ever get any time on their own with their dad or are you always there?

Why does nobody think of the kids in these situations. Everyone is so keen on forcing "stepfamily" situations for their own convenience and not thinking about the kids feelings. They are not your step kids, you're their dad's girlfriend. 6 months is nothing.

I'm not even bothered if this sounds harsh to be honest.

You sound very young and childish and, quite frankly, very mean to your boyfriends children.

Why did you meet his kids so early while protecting your children?

Maybe see your partner only when he doesn't have the kids for a bit. It seems like early days in your relationship really, and it sounds like the DC are feeling insecure. If his dad wants to address the cosleeping it would be better if it was not tied together with wanting to share his bed with you instead.

Children come first.

He needs to concentrate on his children and end the relationship with you to enable that.

Why are they staying at your house? Doesn't he have a home? So he hasn't met your children but stays in their home with his own children?

His time with his children needs to be family time, at his home alone with his children. They are clearly not coping with this situation and as a father he should realise this.

Do his children have any time alone with their dad or are you always there?

I think people underestimate what PDAs [the P being parental] can be like in front of children in these situations, even a peck on the cheek or a 'gentle touch' can be a bit much, especially if they're having to adjust from having met you from the word go.

His children need their own stable home with him. Not staying at his girlfriends. Do they have their own bedrooms or are they bunking down in your childrens' rooms?

I must agree with BitchQueen. You seem to have done the sensible thing by not introducing your DC to your BF. Why did you not tell him you expect the same re meeting his? If your relationship lasts, all well and good but if not, is he going to let his DC meet multiple GFs from day one. It's very damaging to them, they must feel insecure, as evidenced by his DS's behaviour.

I think you have to leave it to your BF to deal with his son. Does he spend any time seeing his DC without you being there? I would think that may help. It would demonstrate to them that they are a priority in his life. If not, maybe try it.

In the meantime, what about keeping any affectionate exchanges between you and the BF for when you're alone - those touches and kisses obviously set off the son's behaviour.

Stompy has said pretty much what I was going to say. Don't let the ending of the co sleeping be linked to your DP sharing a bed with you.
he needs to address this problem - when he has the children on his own. i'm guessing he's been letting the boy sleep in with him when he has him on his own and not when he is with you - so of course the child is going to relate his dad's new relationship with him being pushed out (in his mind)

What happens with his Mum and her new partner - does the boy share a bed with them. Is your DP on good terms with his Ex / If so this is a parenting issue they need to tackled together and be on the same page about. It needs to be a Mum and Dad thing not a Dad and new partner thing.

And six months is an incredibly short time for a young child to get used to all the massive changes that have happened in his life over the past year - huge things for him and his sister to deal with.

That may well be making him more clingy and that might be something you have to suck up, be patient and just give him time. His dad has moved out, his dad is with someone who has children, naturally he's going to feel insecure about his place in all this and he may be feeling very insecure about his Dad's love (after all in a child's mind if his Dad really loved him, why did he leave ?)

I feel very sorry for him, he sounds really emotionally confused & vulnerable. He probably needs some time with just his Dad to build up his sense of security and confidence in their relationship.

There's been another thread in which a step-mother defended her husband's poor parenting and failed to understand why her DSS might be feeling remote from his father. Like her, you need to consider the child's feelings more deeply and put them first.

I don't know why everyone is attacking the op.

My understanding from what you've written is that they stay in their dad's every second weekend and are only staying at yours if you happen to have them on the other weekends.

Is that correct?

I don't know why a pp called you mean or said you sounded young. It sounds like you are definitely doing your best.

It does sound like all the change is taking it's toll on the younger child however.

My advice would be to stop having them at your house for the moment. It was too much too soon. Perhaps put a time limit on that like six month. Ask your partner to put a plan in place for getting his son out of his bed and into his own bed. Do not stay over these nights so DS does not feel he is being pushed out of the bed to be replaced by you. Start coming over for a while in the evenings then go home before they go to bed, then staying while they're going to bed but not being there in the morning then when the time is right let DP talk to them about you staying the night then slowly slowly have them back in yours.

Much slower steps basically.

I don’t think you should be getting a hard time either OP. It sounds like your letting your DP make decisions regarding his own children. Unfortunately I think he is making some ill advised choices.

I think he should try to end cosleeping when you’re not there, so his DS doesn’t feel replaced. I also think, if he wants them to meet with you, this should be during the day and he should ease up on the overnight visits with you with kids in tow. I would find it hard splitting my life between two parent’s houses, let alone adding a parent’s partner’s house into the mix. Would your DP listen if you made some suggestions for change?

My DSS was clingy with his Dad when he moved in to my house. DSS fully accepted his Dad living with his parents (DSSs grandparents) but when he moved in with me, although DP and his ExW sat down and explained and chatted to him about it and he had said he was happy with it, he used to ask DP when he couldn't go back and live with him and mummy. I'd been introduced slowly and DSS liked me but when DP moved in, I think he was unsure of his place and was super clingy with DP.
DP made sure he spent time on his own with DSS and we didnt make a big deal out of it. He eventually settled and realised he wasnt being pushed out and now hes really happy.

These threads are always so nasty to the OP. How her boyfriend father's his children is his choice yet the OP is somehow to blame for any perceived faults.

Ridiculous.

My dd was the exact same when I met my dp.
I waited 1 year to introduce him. Done it gradually but the staying over was still a shock to my 2dc.
My dd would say things like go home to him. And when he wasn't here she would cry for him.
It's just them trying to adapt change. I was firm. I always left dd know she came first but carried on as intended.
Now 4 years on we have another dc and life is great but it was bloody hard at the start.
If it's worth it stick at it. Good luck

I'm not sure why you are being attacked OP.

Have I read it right that the 9 year old sleeps with one his parents every night? I'm sure I have but as no one else has commented on this I doubt myself. That sounds very unhealthy to me and both of his parents need to stop this. Your partner needs to improve his parenting which will cause upset to the children. The important thing From your perspective is that he does it because it's better parenting and doesn't blame you.

Subnm is clearly talking about herself here not me, not sure how she/he can make that judgement from my thread, Subnm please don't contribute if you have nothing constructive to say.
For those that HAVE read what I said, every other weekend we have our kids on our own, and one night a week he also see his kids on his own. SO they get lots of time with him on his own and I completely agree with that and want that. I haven't introduced my kids as they and I aren't ready but I can't tell him how to parent his own kids!! No way am i interfering in how he and his ex bring up the kids, she is their mum and they are the parents, not me. Occasionally when DP and I have our weekend together his ex asks us to have the kids for whatever reason. My kids are at my exes house. DP doesn't have his own place, he lives in a flatshare and can't have the kids there. When he see them he has stays at his old marital house and the ex stays at her boyfriends. Complicated I know but its just how it is. When his ex asks us to have the kids when he is at my house we can 1) refuse 2) agree but they have to stay at mine as I can hardly stay in his prev marital home and his ex wants the kids out of the house as she is having a party etc and wants the kids gone. Those are the situations.
I wasn't asking for you all the judge how we run our lives/contact/housing arrangements. I am asking how to manage a very sweet but confused little boy to make him feel secure. I take every opportunity i can to drop into conversations with him how him and his sister are the most important people to their daddy and how proud he is of them etc and even tho affectionate contact between DP and I is minimal I suggested that it stop all together, which DP
didn't agree with saying they have to get used to it or they never will!! Im stuck and asking for some helpful constructive advice not bitchy comments from people that don't know me!!!

BitchQueen90

He shouldn't have introduced his kids to you "from day one" for a start and neither should you have agreed to meet them. Extremely unfair on the children. It's been 6 months, what do you expect?
this

Bluebell9 i think you are right, my DP son isn't sure how to be in my house and is thrown by it not being his home. We try to reassure him and make it fun and make the kids the centre of attention and not us. DP says its just going to take time and he will grow out of it and grow up. I don't think the fact they have allowed him to sleep in their bed has been healthy and now it is causing an issue. When mis mum is with her BF he doesnt make a fuss at all but he has always been a daddy's boy. He likes me but I think he is frightened that he is losing his dad, so I need to be careful and sensitive and maybe in time he will see that he isn't at all.

BitchQueen90 if only we all had your wisdom and tolerance. His kids wanted to meet me and asked to meet me. My DP asked if I would, so I thought it would be more damaging to them if I refused! Caught between a rock and a hard place. And it is what it is , I didn't ask for you to comment on whether I should meet his kids I asked for advice and peoples experience on dealing with they type of situation.

ThreelsACharm thank you for your comments, its reassuring to know that making the kids feel special and loved and the most important people in your lives, while sticking to your boundaries and life has in the end paid off and things settled down.

Gosh OP you have sensible boundaries so were you not thinking that being introduced 'from day 1' was an awful idea? I also would be concerned that your DP is using you as a base to see his dc in comfortably. He appears to have no insight or concern into how his dc feel so I think you need to be the adult and tell him he needs to spend most of the contact time alone with his dc to foster their sense of security.

I think this is all probably a bit too much too fast for the little boy to adjust to. His family life was upturned only a year ago, his mum had a new partner from day 1 pretty much and you came into his life 6 months ago. I don't think he's really had time to get used to his parents' separation and all the anxiety that can cause in a kid. If I were you I'd scale back a bit and slow down. No more sleeping over at yours for them. Spending the day together occasionally is okay but he should take them back to his for sleeping. He needs a place where he can take the kids that is his. If he can't take his children to his own home then that is a huge problem and he really should be looking at finding accommodation where he can have his children. It's really unreasonable of his ex to want him to take the kids out of their home when he really doesn't have anywhere else to take them. No wonder the poor kid is so upset.

been reading back thru and think the yes probably the underlying issue is the co-sleeping. My DP son has always slept in his parents bed. And continues to do so with his mum and when MY DP has them it is at the marital home and the son continues to sleep with his dad too. So i can see that when he (very occasionally) stays at my house he feels "kicked out". I always offer to go sleep elsewhere and let them have my bed but my DP says no. But i think reading thru the comments here I can explain why i think it is a good idea. I can't tell him not to co-sleep with his son, thats up to him and his ex to sort out. But I can say that if they are staying in my house it would be best for DP to co-sleep with his son to keep the status quo and stability and security for him.

I wasn't asking for you all the judge how we run our lives/contact/housing arrangements. I am asking how to manage a very sweet but confused little boy to make him feel secure

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive.

It might be said that your partner introduced his kids to you so quickly because he wanted to use your house for contact. Which means his little boy's emotional wellbeing isn't necessarily at the top of his list, which in turn is impacting him and results in the boy struggling with the adjustment. You do see the connection don't you?