partners kids jealous of our relationship, how to handle?

[dalmationdotty]

In a quick nutshell. So I'm separated from my husband about 2 years and been seeing this lovely guy for about 6 months and it is going really well. It's pretty serious and i'm very happy. He introduced his kids to me from day 1 pretty much. He's been separated a year and his ex started seeing someone within a week of him moving out. My kids have yet to meet my partner. Anyway we have one weekend together and one weekend with our own kids. Occasionally on our weekend together we may end up having his children for a night or day or whole weekend. They stay at my house in the spare room. He has 2 children aged 12 and 9. Both very sweet and both seem to like me. Im pretty careful not to be too physically affectionate with my partner in front of the kids, a gentle touch as I brush past or quick peck on the cheek. No snogging! More recently the 9yr old boy has been saying to my partner that he loves me more than him and crying a lot. Background story is that he has never slept in his own bed since birth and always slept with his parents and still does. Even if we play hide and seek he won't go off on his own and has to partner with his dad to play. So when at mine he wants to sleep in the same bed with his dad. I said its fine i'll go sleep in one of my kids bed and they can have my room. But his dad has said no and this has led to tantrums and tears and declarations that he loves me more. They don't go to bed till very late (11pm) when they stay at mine, again not my kids, so his rules and then the son insists that his dad goes to bed at the same time as him. Last time they were here, we found the son crying upstairs having been spying on me and my partner sitting in kitchen and when asked what was wrong he said you two were laughing together. I have taken a big step back and just letting my partner deal with it, he says he'll grow out of it. His ex has a partner too that stays over all the time and the son doesn't mind at all. Weirdly the son does like me and we play together a lot when he is with us and he always ask me when can he come back to my house but now and again we get these issues and tbh if every time the kids stay over I've got to cram myself into a childs single bed its going to start annoying me! Anyone experienced step kids and advice on how to deal with this? All i am doing is giving the kids attention not their dad when we are together.
The daughter on the other hand is totally fine.
I don't want it to put stress on our relationship. Help!

77leaves I agree, personally Im not a fan of them staying over just yet, but feel a bit pushed into it but the housing situation.The kids ask to stay at mine I think their own home is a little chaotic maybe. Their mum has an older kid from prev relationship and her BF has 3 kids and so there are 6 kids there every night as her BF pretty much lives there. At mine its just the 2 of them and their dad and me. I think seeing them in the day only for now is a great plan and i have to talk to my DP and really get him to see how its all too much too soon for the kids?

I think youa re right youcan;t tell him how to parents his child and you can't say 'stop the co sleeping when he's at home', but I don't think there's anything wrong with your saying that if he wants to stop the child co sleeping at your house then he has to sort the problem away from your house and let the child get used to it, because you don't want to be seen as the 'cause' of the co sleeping ending. It is the parents decision, but where that decision impacts you and your relationship with your DP's children, then I think you are entitled to put down rules about what happens in your house.

Your DP is being a bit naive if he thinks the way to break a child's lifetime habit is to do it once every couple of weeks in a strange house where he feels a bit insecure. That's never going to work.

Walkaboutwendy yes i do see that. I do wonder if he is using my house as a convenient place to see his kids in. But don't think thats why he introduced them to me so quickly? But I guess he isn't going to admit that is he! It's hard to tell your DP you disagree with his parenting decisions and it isn't really my place to do so. Guess if we carry on seeing each other we go back a few steps and start again and go very very slowly with the kids this time. Just hope he is on the same page as me.

I don't mean to be harsh on you OP but your DP and his ex sound like they made silly decisions. The ex moved a partner in straight away and then your DP introduces you straight away, it's all a big mess to be honest. You sound sensible and have done the sensible thing in not introducing your partner to your children yet so why did you need to meet his? As for them asking to meet you, well your DP shouldn't even have told them he was seeing someone so early on, I am a single parent and my child doesn't need to know about my dating life! It's too much for young kids, they don't understand.

I don't think your DP has made some great parenting choices and were it me I wouldn't want to be with someone who causes such chaos in his kids lives to be honest.

I can see why he introduced you to his DC although it wasn't the best thing for them. You say he lives in a house share which would be totally unsuitable for the DC to stay there and you have a ready made home where they can stay but obviously then they have to share their DF with you which is obviously causing some issues.

If your BF can't change his living arrangements could there be an alternative? Do his parents live nearby? Do the DC have a good relationship with the GP? Might it be possible when he needs to care for the DC but not at Ex's home that they could all stay with the GP? Just a thought.

@BitchQueen90 yes it is a big mess. I don’t even really mention him to my kids just occasionally in passing but they don’t need to know. Tried to talk to him about it tonight via text. Saying about his DS and the co-sleeping issue and that I am fine if they co-sleep when they stay at mine but that I’d prefer to see them in the daytime so we don’t have to face that issue. Also said that we’d have to think how his DS would feel about their dad meeting my kids in the future. But he said I over complicate things and am making a fuss out of nothing and the kids will get used it it! I’ll just stick to my plan I think. Kids come first for me,mine and his.

I don't think you should be getting a hard time either. I have 3 step kids and all I can say is sometimes it is really hard. I think the clinginess is a natural reaction to having had parents split up and it will lessen over time. My own children are very clingy with me on occasion and I think it is due to the fact they know life can turn out differently to how they expected which is something children whose parents haven't split up just won't understand.
It is early days for all of you in this situation so try and remember that. Really important that the kids get alone time with their dad and you have said that happens so it is just a case up making sure that continues.
If you want less judgy replied, try the step families board and good luck