To think I shouldn't have told my mum?

[Littlemissundecided]

My husband and I have been together since we were at university. We are now mid-thirties and have three beautiful DC. For the past few months my husband has changed, says he is unhappy but can't pinpoint how we can fix it, is very short tempered with the children, everything is my fault, and has become controlling.

I have tried to discuss things many times with him. All he can say is that he is unhappy, he has spoken about leaving but then changed his mind an hour later. I have tried to help him but his happiness has to come from within him and at the end of the day, he needs to tell me how to help him.

Understandably, I have found the situation extremely stressful and have been very emotional at the sudden change in him and him even contemplating leaving us. I had kept everything to myself for the past few months, not wishing to speak badly of him to anybody. However, my mum has made a couple of subtle comments about how he was behaving towards the children at their house and how different he seemed lately. I opened up a bit (she still doesn't know the full extent of it) and now I'm worried that she sees him as being controlling, and treating the children badly. She has even half-joked about telling him to sort himself out otherwise me and the children will be going to live with her.

Have I done the wrong thing? I don't want people to think badly of him at all as he wasn't like this until 3 or 4 months ago. I guess i just thought it would fix itself :(

You haven't done the wrong thing. It's not all about him and your mum had noticed the change so you didn't break a confidence. You need support too.

ask for this to be moved to relationships, they'll be better to advise on how to help you and your husband - telling your mothere isn't the problem x

Why shouldn't you confide in your mother? She sounds like she will be supportive of you and the children, and that is what you need right now.

So what if she thinks he is being controlling? He is.

I think you have done the right thing. So she sees him for who and what he has become! Why not? Would it really be so bad if both she and you told him to sort himself out and stop behaving like an arse?

Your DH doesn't have your back here by the sound of things, but your mother might well, and you could need that support. Go for it. If DH doesn't like that then tough.

Hmm. In general, i wouldn't confide in my mum. They talk, because they can't help themselves. I suggest going and speaking to someone confidentially. Not your mum. Your husband needs support. He could be depressed, If I was depressed and feeling trapped and miserable I wouldn't want my inlaws involved. I'd want impartial counseling, not a mother in law that thinks she can bully or joke into keeping the status quo.

Stop speaking to your mum about your private life. She will be biased and remain so.

Things are falling apart. He is saying so. You need to take constructive action. Go for a walk and talk on a sunny evening without kids and communicate.....

Mountain That is unfair.My mother treats my DH like her son. She only ever wants what is best for us as a family and would never ever say anything to him, as she knows that is not her place.

His parents know what he behaves like and say absolutely nothing to him either.

Please don't take Mountain 's advice. You need support and your DM is obviously well placed to offer that. Your DH is being unfair and self-indulgent. He's creating massive uncertainty and insecurity for you and your DC.

I can see why this change has been a surprise but you need to take control rather than waiting passively to see what he decides. Ultimately you can't 'help' him. He needs to help himself.

But you get to decide that his current behaviour isn't acceptable. If he can't manage his unhappiness in a way that doesn't negatively affect your DCs then you can say he has to go to his GP (to see if he has depression) to go to a counsellor (to work out why he is feeling this way if he can't pinpoint a cause) and that if he threatens to leave again, you will help him pack his bags.

Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to make his life perfect at the expense of your own mental health and happiness.

He’s either having some sort of breakdown or he’s had his head turned IMO.

And I think if you find talking to your mum and comfort then do it. It’s not up to you to keep everything secret when it’s making you unhappy.

Littlemissundecided - while you haven't done anything WRONG, it was perhaps unwise to choose your DM as the person to confide in. Whether you like it or not she does NOT see him as her son. Not when it comes to protecting you, her daughter. Then she will be the protective mother (or she damn well should be!).

You want to try to work this out, you know your mother better than anyone else as to whether she will be able to truly forgive him if you manage to work it out or not. I know my own DM wouldn't, so I wouldn't confide in her like this.

Overthehedge That is what I am worried about. If this all works itself out, I am worried that she will never look at him in the same way again. She will always remember this moment.

DW and I found when life got a bit much, going for a long walk somewhere remote helped immensely, we could talk in private, got to focus on us while also focusing on where we were placing our feet so it was easier to discuss hard stuff without having to look directly at each other while confessing how stressed we were, how fearful for the future, etc (we were broke and hoping we could turn it all around but it was very scary for a while and we both were feeling like failures but didn't want to tell the other that and so stress kept building). Walks saved us and allowed us to make workable plans which did actually work!

OP, it's fine and normal to talk to your mum for support and advice in this kind of situation (assuming you have a good, close relationship with her). You haven't done anything wrong. However, I would definitely discourage her from talking to him about it and focus your efforts on tackling your relationship issues yourself.

Have you considered counselling? It sounds like you and your DH would benefit from it.

If the roles were reversed, would you have been happy for him to talk to his mother about you?
There's your answer.

I doubt this will forever change her opinion of him OP. She has known him for a long time and you say yourself treats him like a son. Her opinion of him won't be so fragile that a few months of strange behaviour will make her think differently of him in an irreversible way.

Your mum wasn't the best choice, but I absolutely understand your need to express your worry to someone. If it resolves, we must hope she is wise enough to realise that all marriages go through their ups and downs and if it cannot resolve then let's hope she is wise enough to simply say 'here I am, where's the kettle'.
My DH tried coke and I made the mistake of using my sister as my emotional support and I still feel she has a slight mistrust (for want of a better word) now. Hmm you may think she might be justified but it was once, he was 22, we were not married, there were no DC, and it was 1989! Memory of an elephant, my sister. I wish I'd kept it to a trusted friend though.
The Relationships people are great at making sense of, and responding to, streams of consciousness at times like this.

My youngest DD had a 'moment' and confessed to me that she was having relationship troubles with her DP, told me what was going on and what others had said. She'd been terrified to tell me in case it meant I looked at him differently.

They worked out their differences and my attitude towards him hasn't changed (I don't think, neither of them has remarked on it). I'm still very fond of him - a lot of their problems stemmed from getting together very young. They are still together but forwarned is forearmed as they say, and, should they split, she won't have to go through the awful 'telling my mother why we split' because I'll already have a very good idea why.

Everyone needs support. Either their mum or friends or both.

What WinnieFoster and Diana have just said. If your relationship has been good for all those years until recently, he may be on the verge of some illness and need encouragement to seek professional help. If that's so, and if your mother has had a good relationship with him previously, then having her on side and understanding the situation could be of benefit to both you and your DH

You've done it now so no point stressing. Next time he starts saying he's unhappy I'd go and get a bag and tell him to pack it. Don't let him control you through the fear he might leave you. Is there someone who's turned his head? Being depressed doesn't make you act like an arse and even if you had done something to upset him, what have your dcs done?

I hope you are not asking because someone said that you were BU to tell your mum.

Sudden character change and not sure about your relationship is very typical affair territory. It's a horrible time when they are blaming it on you; I wish I'd had my mum around to support me then. Get as much support as you can.

I think you should be able to talk to your mum - why should you try to keep it all inside?
BUT I think he needs to find a way to address what's causing this.
Is something going on/wrong at work? Does he have any health issues? Is there any risk that there's another woman on the scene, or even a man? (Often a cause for sudden behavioural change).
If he's serious about fixing things then would he be willing to see a counsellor with you? Or by himself, even.

Things can't go on like this, something has to give. Hopefully between you, you'll be able to find a way out of this. x

Of course you haven't done the wrong thing, you need your DM support right now.

As long as you aren't airing your dirty laundry to her and having a good old bitch about him then that's fine.

I'm sorry to say but all of the tell take signs of an affair are there, please keep your eyes open and look after yourself.

I think you are very wise to confide in your mum. He sounds to me like he may be having an affair, sorry to be so blunt.

If my dh is being a cock I don't care who I tell

I don't think its necessarily affair territory. It can just as easily be grass is greener territory the precursor to seeing an affair as an attractive option.

Its all too easy for long term relationships to fall into ruts especially when time and money absorbing DC come along.

In our house it feels a bit DC's needs, DH's need, wider family needs if there's anything left a little me time and then a few weeks ago DH and I realised we hadn't spent a day together as a couple in over a year. Us time had ceased to exist.

You can't break the rut for him. You can look at your own lot and review if your own needs are being met. Are you happy with you? Your world needs to start with you. Then if you're happy and strong, you're available for the children and there for the relationship.

There is a balance between supporting him through a time of need and allowing him to be abusive to you and the DC. You need to declare that boundary to him either by sitting down and agreeing a few rules or seeking formal mediation to find the rules.

Look at the household dynamic and see if your needs as a couple are ever met.

Just ploughing on is one of those things we tend to do but this isn't a bad week. If its a few weeks or months into a new behaviour pattern you need to work out how you want to proceed, how you want to be treated and how you want your life to be moving forwards

Problem is if you work it out she won't be able to look at him the same again. There will always be something there - speak from bitter experience. U will forgive him if you work it out,, your mum wont