To think I shouldn't have told my mum?

[Littlemissundecided]

My husband and I have been together since we were at university. We are now mid-thirties and have three beautiful DC. For the past few months my husband has changed, says he is unhappy but can't pinpoint how we can fix it, is very short tempered with the children, everything is my fault, and has become controlling.

I have tried to discuss things many times with him. All he can say is that he is unhappy, he has spoken about leaving but then changed his mind an hour later. I have tried to help him but his happiness has to come from within him and at the end of the day, he needs to tell me how to help him.

Understandably, I have found the situation extremely stressful and have been very emotional at the sudden change in him and him even contemplating leaving us. I had kept everything to myself for the past few months, not wishing to speak badly of him to anybody. However, my mum has made a couple of subtle comments about how he was behaving towards the children at their house and how different he seemed lately. I opened up a bit (she still doesn't know the full extent of it) and now I'm worried that she sees him as being controlling, and treating the children badly. She has even half-joked about telling him to sort himself out otherwise me and the children will be going to live with her.

Have I done the wrong thing? I don't want people to think badly of him at all as he wasn't like this until 3 or 4 months ago. I guess i just thought it would fix itself :(

I can’t see the issue with your taking to our mum or a friend about what is happening.
I would expect H to do the same tbh.

You need support, emotional support. Going to see a professional isn’t going to do that.

Re your DH. I think that you have done everything you can. As you said, you can’t make him happy.
Going for a walk and having a chat in the car are quite good (the not having to look at each other in the eye is a good point). But at the end of he day, if he can’t tell you what’s going on, it’s hard for you to do anything.
What could help HIM is to get professional help/counselling to help clarify his feelings and what is going on.
In the mean time, I wouod pull him up when he is too harsh/having a go at the dcs. They shouod never bear the brunt of his unhappiness.

I'm the mother of an adult dd. I do think us parents should not be told all the ins and outs of our children's relationships, but I don't think this is the case here and if your mother is as fond of your dh as you say, this one blip will not automatically turn her against him. Anyway she saw the change for herself.

Lethaldrizzle - I'm like you. I don't see much point in pretending everything is great if it isn't. You don't get any support, and it's harder to make changes if necessary, if everyone else thinks you're fiiiine.

Coyo, why not?

Thumbwitches - yes its all a bit old fashioned - keeping up appearances - sod that!

he wasn't like this until 3 or 4 months ago.

I'm afraid I'd wonder who he met around that time, that's making him unhappy with his life. :(

I think you've done the right thing. You need people to know so that it is real, you'll feel less isolated if things don't end up working out.
I told my mum how awful my DP was being when we were first together and he was being AWFUL. Drugs and all, but know she's aware (and always says so) how amazing my Dp is as a partner and as a father. I agree it might taint her idea of him but probably not if he's really a good man

If more people felt they could confide in the people that care for them we’d have far fewer women trapped in violent marriages.

Not saying this is you OP, just that I agree with Lethal - if DH is being a dick I’m not covering his back.

Agree with PP.
He's had his head turned by someone.
I would not be giving him a choice.
Tell him you need a trial separation as you can't live in this limbo.
He needs to move out for a month.
Get him out of your headspace so you can decide what YOU want.

Coyo, why not?

I have experience of this. When you hear too much about every little problem they have, it gets harder and harder to like your child's partner/husband. They make up and you are left still angry.

However definitely doesn't apply in this case.