To not understand what an emotional affair is?

[mademybed123]

What would you define as an emotional affair? How does it differ from a close friendship? The opposite gender issue?

And...have you ever had one?

i agree the word emotion seems to imply in a couple you should only be emotionally close to your oh not other friends

I think an emotional affair is just words/texts and no physical stuff. I'd rather go the whole hog and at least get some sex!

It's an affair that has not yet turned physical. It's the intent.

What weird question. A relationship with a partner isn't at all the same as a friendship, even if you take out the sex.

It's basically a mutually acknowledged crush. Often characterised by thinking about the person all the time, late night messaging, and confiding in each other things that you wouldn't tell a spouse. The balance of the person's attention and affection tips in favour of the "friend". And no, I haven't.

What weird question. A relationship with a partner isn't at all the same as a friendship, even if you take out the sex. how isnt it ( if you take out all intimacy)

Really good question, OP

I think it's a situation where your partner's friendship (i.e. non-sexual relationship) with a person of the opposite sex (if you're heterosexual) mirrors what you would expect an otherwise sexual relationship (i.e. a marriage or LTR) to look like. For example, sharing very personal information, using each other for moral support, being incredibly invested in the person's life, being in very regular contact.

While we do all of these things with our friends, an emotional affair is investment, care, and contact beyond what we'd expect to see in a friendship.

An emotional affair includes attraction and secret conversations that you would not want others to read/know about.

One test is how you would feel having the same conversation if your DH/DP would hear the conversation or read the message.

I haven't had an emotional affair but my ex did.

It felt like he cared about me and his "friend" equally; as though he was invested in her life just as equally as mine; as though he thought about her just as much if not more than me; as though he enjoyed spending time with her just as much or more than me.

It sounds really childish but, for me, a relationship is putting your partner above all else, caring about your partner more than anyone else, wanting to spend time with your partner more than anyone else.

The truth is he was in love with her but without the sex.

Interesting replies. So explicitly romantic discussions or feelings on both sides don't seem to be a requirement?

I think it just suggests a level of intimacy and closeness that goes beyond platonic friendship, but doesn't cross over into a full-blown sexual affair.

So, if you were OK with your partner or husband:

• having conversations about their feelings, wellbeing, hopes, fears, desires, the state of your relationship with another person

• texting bag person back and forth late into the night

• spending time with that person, albeit just coffee or dinner

• dropping everything to help that other person out, even if it's just menial tasks or helping them train for an event, or say. taking them to the doctor (i.e. completely 'above board' things)

• giving a lot of headspace to another person

...then that would just be a 'friendship'.

If, however, you weren't OK with your partner having that level of intimacy with another person, you'd probably categorise it as an emotional affair.

It’s exactky what Hammering said totally

One test is how you would feel having the same conversation if your DH/DP would hear the conversation or read the message. great test (unless they are controlling)

My ex wasn't having particularly "romantic" or sexual discussions with the woman he was having an emotional affair with. He was basically having a relationship with her without the sex (i.e. support, care, contact that went way beyond what felt comfortable as a friendship).

I don't know if the woman had any feelings for my ex. I doubt it. When I kicked him out, he asked to stay with her for a couple of nights (not U considering how much support and care he'd given her) and she said "no"

*My ex wasn't having particularly "romantic" or sexual discussions with the woman he was having an emotional affair with. He was basically having a relationship with her without the sex (i.e. support, care, contact that went way beyond what felt comfortable as a friendship).

I don't know if the woman had any feelings for my ex. I doubt it. When I kicked him out, he asked to stay with her for a couple of nights (not U considering how much support and care he'd given her) and she said "no" grin*
so its not a It's an affair that has not yet turned physical. It's the intent.

So it's the kind of friendship a lot of women have with other women (or an other woman as in a best friend), but with a man? change sexes depending on orientation

No, because it involves an attraction. One test is whether, if they leaned in for a kiss, you'd want to kiss back.

I'd say it goes beyond a really close female-female friendship or best friendship.

I love my best friend to pieces but I wouldn't behave with her the way my ex behaved with this woman he was in love with.

I define it as receiving specific emotional intimacy and support that you'd normally share with your partner with another person.

And wouldn't feel comfortable sharing the details of this 'friendship' with your DP.

Basically doing the stuff you’d normally do if you were single and pursuing someone you were attracted to, while in a relationship with somebody else.

And your heart lifting at the sight of them, or when an email from them arrives. As if the sun has come out, you are suddenly having a lovely day. Attending events and thinking it was all a bit dull, if they are not there.

If you are single, these are all the delicious early signs of being 'interested' in someone. If you are already in a relationship, you may be telling yourself that it doesn't matter because you are not physical, maybe have no intention of being physical. However, you are giving to attention to someone other than your SO, and from there it is a short step to suddenly finding that the SO's faults niggle at you, they can suddenly do nothing right in your eyes, your jokes start to become just a bit more cruel.

It really is horrible, but, of course, all entirely excusable because you are 'just friends '

I think different people will have different lines so YANBU to not understand what someone else might mean by it. I don't think feelings are an automatic line - it is quite possible to have a crush and not act on it or to be intimate without them - but, as others said, being non-platonic emotionally intimate with another behind your partner's back without/before non-platonic physical intimacy (which is its own blurry line) is the general definition.

I think the 'would or do you say/do this with them in front of your partner' is good for working out the line for non-platonic intimacy.

"It's basically a mutually acknowledged crush."

Yeah, pretty much this. It's deliberately seeking to spend time with someone other than your partner because you give each other butterflies.

If either half ever says words that amount to "If I was single, we'd be together" then it is 100% most definitely an emotional affair.

Mentionitis also features heavily.

I think it crosses a line when you start investing more energy and time in that person than your home life and when you keep things from your OH.

Otherwise it's a friendship.