Date night

[shewolf27]

So bit of background info I'm currently on maternity pay and out of that I pay for food shop, house supplies, car insurance & petrol, phone bill etc. & everything for ds (8 months) dp has a well paid full time job & he pays the bills, I've said many times I want to open a joint account so I can put towards the bills especially when I go back to work but he always shuts me down. We've been living together for about a year now & this is our first baby. Any spare money I have left each month goes on ds or sometimes I'll treat myself to an eyebrow wax & tint... anyway me and dp have been arguing a lot lately, we've not been out together just the two of us since we had ds because he doesn't like leaving him & wants him to be with us all the time but I am desperate for a date night & I've suggested it several times to dp & he just says no we can't afford it unless you're paying so we agreed when I get paid I'll pay for us to go out. Anyway this week 3 parcels have arrived for dp all stuff for his gym in the garage which I know weren't cheap so my point is AIBU to feel upset that he'll happily spend money on gym stuff, England football shirts & protein powder but he says he can't afford to go for a date night with me?

Sorry for such a long one & if I sound like an ungrateful cow, I just miss him & want to get back some me & him time but he doesn't seem bothered.

You partner is financially abusing you.

You live as s family, you should have access to family money, you mat pay should be part of the pool which is split equally.

You don’t sound greedy - I’m confused about why you aren’t furious.

If I ever bring it up to him about how he treats himself often he will say well I pay the bills & I go to work so then I feel really guilty about it. I really want to mention it to him today but I just know it'll start a row and it won't get me anywhere. I just feel so frustrated that I spend a lot of time worrying about having enough money so that ds is well provided for when dp doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

I would feel very hurt, but like most men he probably doesn't think about things for more than 10 seconds. Why are most of them (not all) such inconsiderate, thoughtless twats!

Honestly, it’s not acceptable. What did you discuss before mat leave?

I’m on mat leave currently. We pool all our money, allocate funds for bills, food shopping and joint savings. The surplus is split equally.

Whilst I’m on mat leave we have around £200 each to fritter away as we like.

My husband’s opinion is that being at home looking after a baby is equal to going out to work and I shouldn’t be penalised for it.

I wouldn’t have had children with anyone who would think otherwise.

Your partner needs to value your contribution properly.

Do you have anywhere you could go for a break if necessary?

When you aren't on maternity pay how does your income compare with his?
I'm asking if this is a short term issue arising from your lower maternity income or will this continue in the future when you return to work?

Yanbu, why should you be paying for all of your ds stuff just because he pays the Bills. Your maternity leave isn't a holiday. I despise men who can enjoy a certain standard of life when their own partner cant do the same. How is that fair? He clearly doesnt want a date night. Even if it meant not going out he can do something at home.

I put the deposit down for the house and he insisted he wanted to pay the bills even when I was working, I don't have a very well paid job and said when we bought this house that I think it would be stretching us but he was very adamant we could afford it and he was gonna pay the bills as long as I pay for everything else. I've said so many times about opening a joint account and putting a percentage of both our wages into it but he always has an excuse why he shouldn't. He very rarely buys anything for ds apart from an England shirt at the weekend so he could take pictures of them boy wearing them. He always throws it back in my face that he pays the bills but then doesn't want any contribution from me so sometimes I think he's being so generous but then when things like this happen I'm not so sure if it's control.

@MissP103 he really does think I'm on holiday, if I ever have a hard day with ds he will always say well I'd much rather be at home with him than at work... Queue the mum guilt!

He’s a cunt. Sorry.

Sorry - I don’t want to be unhelpful but Jesus he sounds awful.

Did you buy the house? Who pays the mortgage if so and who is on the deeds?

What happens when your mat pay runs out? And are you planning to go back to work? How will you pay for childcare?

Sorry - can see you bought it - are you joint tenants or tenants in common? How much equity do you have?

Good point merryoldgoat is the house in joint names?

@Merryoldgoat don't worry you're not the first person to call him that haha! My dad put the deposit down for us because my pregnancy was a bit of a shock and we couldn't afford it ourselves so now dp pays the mortgage and my name is also on there too.

I'll be going back to work next month, I work in a nursery so ds will be coming with me for mornings and then with family in the afternoon. I think he sees my parents as a meal ticket sometimes and thinks I can run to them if I get really low on cash - which I hate to do, I'd rather go without things for myself.

I think after hearing all your opinions I need to have a serious conversation with him.

He doesnt want you paying for anything because then how else can he control you. If you contributed more than he cant say those nasty things can he. Hes not a good man op. It's his son as well. Why doesnt he care enough to buy stuff for him. And why doesnt he Cate enough about you to make sure you both are equal in this relationship.

You’re in a great position with family who are supportive.

I’d go in hard. You’re reasonably early on in your relationship so don’t allow it to drag on and bog you down for years with more children added to the mix.

I’d be saying you’re looking for proper joint finances which comprises a joint account, joint savings and equal spending power and access to funds. Proper split of expenses for the baby is a non-negotiable.

In your situation I’d be willing to walk away if I didn’t get it, reason being is I grew up in a situation like you describe. My mother was miserable, broke, ground down and helpless. It was a miserable upbringing with me having to ask for credit at the local shop whilst my step dad gambled his money away each week. I will never allow that to happen to me.

Fantastic that you have a great family and support there - use them - they will only want you to be happy.

If you leave you’ll have your equity back and maintenance. Undoubtedly you’d be better off, probably in lots of ways.

I have never ever said this on here but you are being financially abused. Its an easily banded about phrase buy you really are being abused.

You need to have an honest talk with him about the finances. If he shuts down again I would say that you want out of the relationship. It is not a healthy relationship to bring your baby up in. It is family money. You are meant to be a family. All of it should go into the pot and then you both have equal spending money each month. It is a partnership not a dictatorship.

Please if you can't speak to him about this then you need to make plans for you to leave. Its only going to get worse.

I told him a few weeks ago that I was unhappy, not just because of money but lots of reasons really and he basically said if that's what I gotta want but he'd be taking me to court for 50/50 access to ds which I'd find unbearable to be away from him half the time especially at this age so I feel like I can't leave, also because they'd live with mil and we don't get on so I would hate that. I do love him, I think he takes the piss out of me and I wish I could be brave enough to be walk away.

He's trying to scare you with access threats. What sort of father is he (honestly)?

Honestly, and I feel awful saying it but not really. Don't get me wrong he absolutely loves him to pieces and loves playing with him and making him laugh but when it comes to feeding, bathing, dressing or basically caring for him then that's my job although he'll often say ds likes him better than he likes me!

he'd be taking me to court for 50/50 access to ds which I'd find unbearable to be away from him half the time especially at this age so I feel like I can't leave

he really does sound like a horrible man. This is why finances need to be shared between couples and things need to be agreed in advance. I get that your baby was a surprise but if you do decide to stay will you go on to have siblings for your DS with this man?

I would find it hard to leave because of your baby but isn't It better now than later when DS will feel the full effect of the break up too. He won't know any different now and you have time to build a new and happier relationship with someone else.

Are you bfeeding? if so I doubt a court would allow him 50/50 access yet. Even without breastfeeding I would think separating a baby from its mother for 50%of the time is unlikely to be upheld.

could you get some free legal advice as a first step

I don't think I'd want a date night with an asshole.

Sorry if that doesn't help but I don't know what else to say.

So he will give up all his time and money to care for the baby 50% of the time? I think not from what you have described. He won't realise the care and money they take as you do and pay for it all. He's a selfish man child who thinks that's nothing to do with him. Let him make the threats but do not use that as a reason to stay. I would bet money on it being a hollow threat.

Gosh, he sounds really awful OP. Some of what he has said to you really isn't normal in a loving relationship.

I really feel for you, but glad you have a supportive family around you. In these circumstances, if he really isn't going to listen to you I do think you need to consider your life without him.

Free legal advice is actually a great idea, does anyone know how I go about getting it? I think deep down I know what I should do & what I'd advise any one else to do but it's just the actual doing it. We've split up before, I ended it but he was having none of it & wouldn't let me go so I thought well he must actually love me so we tried again and then 4 months later I found out I was pregnant with ds (he is my absolute world & I'm so glad to have him in my life)

I'm struggling to be fine with him today, I'm so fed up of this nonsense but so scared to do anything about it. Hopefully I'll get a break this weekend and meet some friends &!have a well deserved glass of rosè!!