Date night

[shewolf27]

So bit of background info I'm currently on maternity pay and out of that I pay for food shop, house supplies, car insurance & petrol, phone bill etc. & everything for ds (8 months) dp has a well paid full time job & he pays the bills, I've said many times I want to open a joint account so I can put towards the bills especially when I go back to work but he always shuts me down. We've been living together for about a year now & this is our first baby. Any spare money I have left each month goes on ds or sometimes I'll treat myself to an eyebrow wax & tint... anyway me and dp have been arguing a lot lately, we've not been out together just the two of us since we had ds because he doesn't like leaving him & wants him to be with us all the time but I am desperate for a date night & I've suggested it several times to dp & he just says no we can't afford it unless you're paying so we agreed when I get paid I'll pay for us to go out. Anyway this week 3 parcels have arrived for dp all stuff for his gym in the garage which I know weren't cheap so my point is AIBU to feel upset that he'll happily spend money on gym stuff, England football shirts & protein powder but he says he can't afford to go for a date night with me?

Sorry for such a long one & if I sound like an ungrateful cow, I just miss him & want to get back some me & him time but he doesn't seem bothered.

Oh love, he’s a controlling arsehole. You honestly need to get rid of him. Look on the Rights of Women website for some advice. He’s trying to scare you into staying with him.

50/50 is an absolute possibility but don’t let it stop you leaving. He’ll ruin your life. If he becomes abusive when you go involve the police. He doesn’t deserve you or the child.

Thank you @Merryoldgoat your support has been so nice, also thanks to everyone else! Earlier suggested we went out for tea tonight with ds not a date night so I said can you afford to pay because I cant so as always he said no I can't I've got the electric bill to pay for this week. So after hearing everyone's helpful views today when ds is in bed tonight I'm going to speak about finances with him!

Roughly how much does he earn and how much is your mortgage? I’m just trying to get a picture of the scale of his bastardry.

How did it go OP? Hope you’re ok?

Sorry for the long drawn out reply it's been carnage the last couple of days to say the least, when I spoke to him about it he got very defensive (which I was expecting) so it turned into a huge row which has resulted in me staying at my parents house. I'm going home today to see if things can be patched up but I'm not hopeful 😔

Oh Shewolf - that’s so disappointing. I really hoped he’d have seen sense.

If it’s time to move on then it’s better sooner rather than later. I hope you are ok. I’m very lucky that I’ve not been through similar but as I said up thread it’s how I grew up and it was awful.

I’ve been thinking about you - I hope you’re ok.

Hope you are ok OP - I don’t normally check on posters but for some reason this has really resonated with me.

I’ve been thinking of you.

Thank you so much @Merryoldgoat I'm so grateful for your care and support! He's pretty much begged to give it another try which has really surprised me and being totally honest I don't want to but I don't ever want to have to tell ds that it was me that gave up 😔 let's just hope things can change and he can support me more.

I find all this unbelievable OP. So he can share a baby with this but not a bank account? . He should be only too delighted that you have the energy for a date night. In fact he should be organising it regularly. As for telling you to pay when you’re not even working because of HIS child - words fail me.
If I were you, I would tell him to man up and if he wants you to stay, you will only do so on the basis of shared finances and a normal approach to money going forward. That’s just the basics. He also needs to start respecting your contribution and showing it - yes this means taking you out in a regular basis.

with you, not “this” sorry.

If I've worked it out correctly he must have a spare £500-£600 a month & I have no idea where this goes! I'm really not sure how to bring that part up without looking accusing. After reading everyone's opinions on here I can see how the situation is actually very wrong! I love him dearly & I want to make it work but I'm not sure how to.

Save up and go out on your own - sounds like you'd have a better time.

I'd do a budget (with him), based on what you'll earn when you're back at work and say you want to contribute. And, when it's done, you can legitimately say, "Wow, so you have loads left then?!" And not look unreasonable.

P.s. you might want to make it work, but you can't. Not on your own, at least.

This is your opportunity. What is he willing to concede?

I’d approach it saying I want full transparency and joint access to money. I’d prepare a proper budget including incoming funds of ALL of his income and yours, all outgoings and savings. Surplus paid to your individual accounts.

Tell him you need his payslips and bank statements showing his savings transfers and outgoings.

That would be the only place I’d start from. Any resistance and I’d tell him to jog on.