To ask for a handhold? DP facing possible sacking by bully boss

[FreeFanta]

Apologies, this may be long but I'm in bits right now. Have name changed just in case.

DP has worked at same place for over 10 years, and has worked their way up to a management post, having gained an OU degree (first) in related subject on the way. DP loves the sector and the work and has always been held in regard by colleagues and clients for their person-centred approach and service delivery.

Until... a new manager for the establishment was appointed. The manager, 'Wendy' took a dislike to DP soon after she started as DP pointed out something Wendy proposed was outside regulations. Since then Wendy has mercilessly bullied DP, questioning DP's competence, accusing DP of all manner of things which never happened (including being, basically, mentally unfit to do the job)

DP raised a formal grievance against Wendy for bullying but the outcome was that Wendy said she was merely trying to 'support' DP and that Wendy would do some mental health awareness training. HR are very complicit with Wendy (the night of the grievance hearing HR person was seen out for dinner with Wendy, they are very matey).

Wendy rules with a divide and conquer mentality, and has caused problems for DP with staff by saying solutions to their problems that haven't arisen are DPs fault, while DP has never been made aware of them) Wendy lies constantly, but hands much of the important technical work to DP, then takes credit for it.

There's much more, but that's the gist. DP has a disciplinary hearing this week based on a fictitious accusation by one of Wendy's minions that DP committed an act of gross misconduct. There is no proof beyond 'he said she said'. The outcome is that DP faces dismissal if the hearing decides this lie is true.

I am disabled and unable to work. If DP loses their job we will be up shit Creek. We live in an isolated area where there are literally (not being dramatic here) no other jobs with similar pay for DP and DP would face a NMW job (assuming Wendy doesn't take steps to have DPs DBS record marked with these allegations, which would affect DPs chance to work in the sector again)

I am so very anxious about this and trying to support DP. DP has union support but the union have been quite limp in the past. If the hearing sack DP, DP is intending to go to employment tribunal.

Sorry, this has been a ramble. I feel like I've been living in a state of anxiety for over a year as Wendy has attacked DP systematically; I have mental health issues and feel dreadful that I can't shoulder any of the potential financial burden. I don't understand why people can be so persistently vile. So yes, would love a handhold as I don't want to burden DP with my anxiety or make DP feel like their situation is affecting me so badly.

Are they part of a union? Contact CAB or maybe mind could provide some kind of support considering this seems to be based around mental health discrimination. I’m sorry things are so tough right now and I hope everything falls in your partner’s favour.

Sorry I missed the bit about the union!

Thanks Sleepy yes there's a whole heap of mental health discrimination and also DPs mental health has been battered by this relentless assault. Several colleagues have left due to Wendy's bullying already but no amount of grievances have ever had any positive effect. It's all a bit shit.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP

It seems clear that what you need now is legal advice, and probably to talk to ACAS. If you haven't already done so, post this in legal as you'll get more qualified help there, but I'd truly recommend seeing a solicitor who specialises in employment law to see what they advise, and what help they can offer.

Is this the care sector by any chance?

Oh gosh poor you. I’m sure somebody will be along soon with proper legal advice but I’d say your DH needs to print off all evidence of bullying - emails and so on. Also, why is the union being so useless? Can he contact them again?

Thanks for your replies; the union did mention getting their solicitor involved in the past so DP is going to raise this when they meet with the rep.

I really don't understand bullies. I think I must live in a bubble because this behaviour is so alien to me.

I completely empathise with how horrible this must be. Unfortunately, once someone has an agenda (especially if they're in a position of power) it can be impossible to get a fair hearing.

One thing to remember is that HR is not there to support the employee. They're only out to protect the business, so no surprise that they whitewashed his initial grievance. If the union are useless as well, then he's in a difficult position - to fight a battle without anyone on your side is almost impossible.

It's a sad fact of life that there are vile, vindictive people in the world. How and why they behave the way they do are complete anathema to those of us who have a moral compass. The only way I tend to help me move beyond the anger and hurt is to try look at the bigger picture. Often when you're facing what looks like disaster it can be overwhelming, but if you can identify the positives in your life right now, and any potential new avenues, then it can help keep your head above water when it feels like you could drown.

Contact ACAS, right now!

Helpline on 0300 123 1100

Whether he is in a union or not, they will be able to give you lots of good advice.

I've been in a similar position right down to the union rep being useless.

My advice would be to keep a diary of everything. Keep it factual and not emotional. Is it possible to change teams at work? If your partner suggests this they are offering positive solutions to the problem. Is it a pattern of behaviour that they have done elsewhere? It's likely it is so try to find evidence to confirm it. HR will back the manager as standard but will also be aware of reputational damage to the company and the washing of dirty laundry in public.

In my case it was a manager that had bullied several people into resigning and I knew that I'd annoyed her so she was coming for me.

ncbecause and whyohwhy you've both hit the nail on the head. There's a definite agenda which Wendy has been quite explicit about ("you need to go!") but getting anyone to take this seriously is near impossible. The union advised DP not to resign because apparently proving constructive dismissal is very difficult.

I just don't get it. I don't understand how people get off on being so horrible. DP is gathering as much evidence and info as possible, but it's so hard because when others are around Wendy pretends to be supportive but then lies, manipulates situations or throws DP under the bus.

We have resigned ourselves to the fact that we may need to downsize in the future (not that we live anything like an extravagant life now, lol!) and rethink our life plans. This has been hanging over us for over a year and the financial worry (not to mention the stress, sadness and sleepless nights) has badly affected our quality of life. We've been too anxious to plan a holiday or even the wedding we would like in case DPs given the sack. If I can find work I can do, such as cleaning or whatever (needs to be low stress) that will be more than the meagre amount of disability benefit I receive then I would do that, although DP doesn't want me to as my threshold for relapse is very low and it's taken me several years to recover from a serious breakdown (live with serious mental illness) ironically triggered by a bullying boss.

Thanks for your replies and advice.

Echo the advice of the other posters. I feel for you and your Dp, I know someone who was bullied at work and it’s ruined their mental health to the point where they are in deep depression. I hope things work out for you both

OK, so I've just waved a very despondent DP off to work to face the hearing later today. The union are being very supportive and apparently suggestions of a systemic and toxic culture in this workplace are being examined by their head office. The manager is systematically 'weeding out' any members of staff she perceives as a threat (usually because they have more knowledge/ skills/ experience than she does).

We're also 100% sure that the allegations made against DP are entirely - and maliciously - fictitious, made by one of the manager's cronies. There were no witnesses other than the cronie (and also because it didn't happen) so DPs career, and our income now hinges on whether the panel believe DP or the cronie. DP has steadfastly stated that this incident did not happen (and to be clear, it was an allegation of misconduct rather than anything that could put anyone at risk). But how do you prove something didn't happen?

This all seems so unfair. I've watched DP start a job over ten years ago and through hard work and a genuine love of serving others grow to be capable, confident, efficient and well-respected by clients and other professionals. The only person who has ever had a problem with DPs work is this manager.

Thanks to everyone who's commented. Bullying in the workplace is vile and insidious and wrecks people's lives. I'm just praying now that life isn't one of them.

*our life

Just to say that even if this hearing goes against your DP he can appeal and a more senior member of staff should hear the appeal. There is a chance that they will take a more sensible line - please try to remain optimistic.

I think there needs to be more evidence that "he said she said" for gross misconduct, so don't assume the worst.

If this is teaching - you haven t got a hope in hell - the governors will back the Head all the way - I am the voice of bitter experience, having watched lots of colleagues go through this

I hope it goes well for him today.

In terms of Union representation if he is unhappy with the support you can request support from regional. Don’t forget that being in a union gives you access to legal advice on here matters. However our union are clear that if you get legal advice elsewhere and act upon it then the union are unable to support you (all about conflict).

Sounds as though you don’t need to sit tight today and see what the outcome is. The union will support you all the way through to tribunal if they think you have a case and will pay for that too (and the legal representation).

Keep all of the records of instances of bullying - past, current and future (although I hope there aren’t any). Also ensure you hubby keeps an audit trail of everything he does. If this comes to nothing don’t be surprised if she tries something else - clearly she is worried about your husbands knowledge and experience.

Also maybe ask the union to suggest mediation to resolve the problems. If she is a good manager she would jump at the chance to sort it, if she doesn’t it will tell you a lot.

Sorry you’re going through this

Best of luck to him. I really hope it works out in his favour

Have you checked that your home insurance does not offer legal cover? Is this an alleged gross misconduct offence that means immediate dismissal? Hopefully the union rep will be on the ball and ensure correct process is followed. If you proceed to tribunal will some of the ex employees agree to be witnesses. My DP was in a similar situation and I understand how stressful it is. Our biggest mistake was not getting legal advice though we did lots of research. Good Luck OP.

I hope everything goes ok today, what a horrible situation, bullies can be soul destroying and spiteful but they are really just weak and incompetent, do keep us updated.

I hope it goes well for him.

Good luck, OP. So sorry you are going through this.
I know he loves it there and is good at his job, but he NEEDS to get out, for his sanity. He might win this battle, but the war is not over. She will never let up. She will never be got rid of. She will never comply with any corrective suggestions.
Move away if you have to.
Some people are just like that.
IME.

Good luck to you and your DH, OP

Good luck.

Good luck OP