To ask for a handhold? DP facing possible sacking by bully boss

[FreeFanta]

Apologies, this may be long but I'm in bits right now. Have name changed just in case.

DP has worked at same place for over 10 years, and has worked their way up to a management post, having gained an OU degree (first) in related subject on the way. DP loves the sector and the work and has always been held in regard by colleagues and clients for their person-centred approach and service delivery.

Until... a new manager for the establishment was appointed. The manager, 'Wendy' took a dislike to DP soon after she started as DP pointed out something Wendy proposed was outside regulations. Since then Wendy has mercilessly bullied DP, questioning DP's competence, accusing DP of all manner of things which never happened (including being, basically, mentally unfit to do the job)

DP raised a formal grievance against Wendy for bullying but the outcome was that Wendy said she was merely trying to 'support' DP and that Wendy would do some mental health awareness training. HR are very complicit with Wendy (the night of the grievance hearing HR person was seen out for dinner with Wendy, they are very matey).

Wendy rules with a divide and conquer mentality, and has caused problems for DP with staff by saying solutions to their problems that haven't arisen are DPs fault, while DP has never been made aware of them) Wendy lies constantly, but hands much of the important technical work to DP, then takes credit for it.

There's much more, but that's the gist. DP has a disciplinary hearing this week based on a fictitious accusation by one of Wendy's minions that DP committed an act of gross misconduct. There is no proof beyond 'he said she said'. The outcome is that DP faces dismissal if the hearing decides this lie is true.

I am disabled and unable to work. If DP loses their job we will be up shit Creek. We live in an isolated area where there are literally (not being dramatic here) no other jobs with similar pay for DP and DP would face a NMW job (assuming Wendy doesn't take steps to have DPs DBS record marked with these allegations, which would affect DPs chance to work in the sector again)

I am so very anxious about this and trying to support DP. DP has union support but the union have been quite limp in the past. If the hearing sack DP, DP is intending to go to employment tribunal.

Sorry, this has been a ramble. I feel like I've been living in a state of anxiety for over a year as Wendy has attacked DP systematically; I have mental health issues and feel dreadful that I can't shoulder any of the potential financial burden. I don't understand why people can be so persistently vile. So yes, would love a handhold as I don't want to burden DP with my anxiety or make DP feel like their situation is affecting me so badly.

Why are you referring to your DP in a plural pronoun?

This is absolutely dreadful. Fingers crossed for your husband today op

Thinking of you both.

OP I hope this goes well for you, it must be a horribly stressful situation.

I note you've not referred to the gender of your partner - are they female? Are you a same sex couple? I say that because I wonder if Wendy is homophobic and that is why she has bullied your partner. That could open up a whole new can of worms in your partners favour.

I was coming in to add that it sounds like you are in a same sex couple and that Wendy may well be massively homophobic.

It could be an angle to take at the hearing...

Psychedelic, it's a way of not revealing the sex of the DP, makes for a difficult read and so unnecessary.

Sorry I've just thought maybe DP is trans or doesn't identify as he/she for some other reason.

Is this is the private or public sector? I'm guessing public as you mention DBS etc. DBS checks are about criminal convictions/cautions. Spurious and unproven allegations won't end up on there so don't worry about that.

It's also very hard to to sack people in the public sector, especially with no evidence of any wrongdoing. So it's highly unlikely that will happen.

Thinking of you and your DP. Myself and DH have had bullying managers. In DH's case he had worked there several years so a pay off was negotiated for him to leave provided he kept quiet about all that had happened! He got slightly more than a statutory redundancy package and it gave us the breathing space to regroup and he was able to find another much better job ( but we are not as rural as you). In my case I had worked there less than 2 years so I changed job as I didn't have a leg to stand on. I really hope your DP gets a good outcome.

I went through this my boss actually told me he wanted the original team to leave. I left and I am better off for it.

Apologies if my attempts to avoid using any identifying details have made for a difficult read. There has been no obvious indication of any homophobia but who knows what drives people's internal agendas?

Hope it goes well today but they would still have to work in a horrible environment, I'd be Looking ta making contingency plans to get away. If she is determined there Will be a next time and must be horrible to work under that.

Thanks again, everyone. I'm at the point now where I think the balance of the 'happy or right' equation is swinging towards preserving DPs mental health and getting this toxic situation out of our lives. I think it's difficult for DP because DP loves the job, loves the setting, loves the work and was very, very happy there until the management changed. It's not public sector, but a large organisation originally founded on religious principles (which seem to be cherry picked as and when needed - or not)

Good luck! I hope she gets her comeuppance.

I hope today brings good things for both of you.

Apologies if my attempts to avoid using any identifying details have made for a difficult read

It's the singular they. Been around since the 16th century, if not before and becoming increasingly used now. I wouldn't worry about that, of all things!

I've worked with bullies, I suspect we all have. IME if the person above them is a capable manager and keeps a lid on it, it's tolerable. Under any other circumstances unfortunately it is better just to get out. It's amazing the difference it makes to your mental health if you're not under that strain every day. In comparison, the worry about where you next job is coming from can feel very manageable.

Hoping your Wendy shows her true colours and Dh is OK Fanta.

Good luck today, thinking of you both

Thinking of you both. Hope it is a positive outcome. 💐

If so many people have quit since this vile piece started her job, how come management have noticed a pattern. If I was a manager a so many people quit in a small space of time, I'd be wondering what was going on.

Hope things go ok for your partner, OP. Update if you’re able. I hate this sort of thing 😡

I'm sorry to hear that you're both going through this OP. here's a hand hold from me. It's a situation anyone can go through, I really hope your DP gets the positive outcome they deserve.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. We went through similar last year and although it all turned out well, the stress at the time was horrific. I hope today goes well for you and your DH.

I should add, I've been bullied at work. It's devastating, but now in the past as one day this will be for you both.

I've been where your DP is. It was many years ago and I did eventually get over it. Sustained bullying is truly horrible. I walked away to preserve my mental health, but I was fortunate in being able to do so, even though the financial impact was not small.

Whatever happens, he will need your support. Good Luck!