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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so depressed at how my life is

31 replies

palmtreebanana · 25/06/2018 17:35

38 in October.

No kids.

No partner.

The no partner thing is more complex than just meeting someone on plentyoffish. I’ve never had a partner. I just don’t seem to get any interest.

All my friends are married and have small children.

I’m stressed up to my eyeballs in work and am so unhappy.

No family.

I feel I aren’t anything to live for.

OP posts:

Guardsman18 · 25/06/2018 17:40

No family at all? Could you change jobs? You sound so sad lovey, but there is a way out I promise you x

IrmaFayLear · 25/06/2018 17:42

I can't suggest anything - I don't know you! - but clearly you need to change your life.

I know it's a bit of a tiny step but a friend of mine who was in your position went on a National Trust holiday and met people, and then graduated to walking holidays abroad. It's not dating but it's doing something sociable and you never know...

StormTreader · 25/06/2018 17:45

I could have written that a year ago - I'm still in the same position re partner and friends but I started a hobby at a local group, I'm no good at it but it gets me out and the people there are lovely.
So it sounds trite but find a local weekly hobby group in something - the more random the better!

Original poster

palmtreebanana · 25/06/2018 18:01

Thanks

I’m looking for another job, considering maybe even abroad. To get out of the rut.

I don’t mean I’m suicidal. I just feel so, so down.

OP posts:

RedPandaFluff · 25/06/2018 18:04

Hi Palmtree - I've been there too, and it's awful, I felt very desolate and almost as if I'd failed at life or something!

I would agree with the advice about making a change. Is there anything you enjoy? Or something that you've always wanted to try, but never have?

Singlenotsingle · 25/06/2018 18:06

Friend of mine is in the same boat (almost) but she never wanted kids and never got married. She seems quite happy although you never can tell. She joined U3A and goes on loads of meetings, groups etc. Just got back from China. Marriage and kids isn't the only way to go...

HeresMe · 25/06/2018 18:09

I male 40 but your experience mirrors my life exactly.

Online dating is horrible is you arent pretty handsome enough you aren't worth a damn to some people.

I'm at point you are(and depressed to hell) but don't give up who knows what may be round the corner.

Be strong palm

Unsureneighbour · 25/06/2018 18:10

That sounds hard. I know in the same position I would feel the same. Hopefully you can. Change a few things and manage to achieve a better work and social situation.

Original poster

palmtreebanana · 25/06/2018 18:22

I know single but I want it really badly.

OP posts:

Guardsman18 · 25/06/2018 18:26

Last year I was on holiday in Spain (Benalmadena) and got chatting to a man who had moved from London after a bad relationship and he has never looked back! He loves it. The climate, plenty of work (well, he was a builder!) He was really happy.

I did envy him.

HeresMe · 25/06/2018 18:28

You are still few years younger than me you can still get out there and get what you want.

jiskoot · 25/06/2018 18:31

Why is plentyoffish/OLD not a choice?

I was similar to you....I was single until I was 37, still at home with parents, average but dull job....distinctly average looking.

I made a choice that I didn't want to live like that and got myself out there with OLD. Took an age and weeding through what few meagre rubbish responses I got but I did meet someone. Now engaged, ttc (at 42!) And buying a house with him.

I had been told in a bar years before that I had a 'desperate' look about me and that was why I was single. Looking back I can see that. I was desperately unhappy being alone but when I accepted that there was nothing wrong with it and just learnt to be happy by myself and in my own company I think my attitude changed.

Yes it's lovely having a partner now but the years alone made me a stronger more independent person and I am happy in my own skin now.

Please give it a go, be honest about yourself...there are still good guys out there, and probably ones that are in the same boat as yourself.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 25/06/2018 18:37

OP, I felt similar to you aged 36. I think at that age, you do look around and assess what you do / not have. I think it would be good to get out and about, to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Volunteering might be a good start, if you can find a cause which appeals to you

Original poster

palmtreebanana · 25/06/2018 18:38

Thanks. I have tried volunteering but I found it quite difficult to juggle alongside full time work. I didn’t really meet anyone from doing it either.

OLD just seems a minefield.

OP posts:

Lightningbolt82 · 25/06/2018 20:11

How about getting yourself super fit.... Like you've never been before. 1) this will make you look and feel 1000 times better 2) will stop you having any time to dwell on things being crapper than you desire 3) you will gradually meet people doing it/ or by having something to talk about 4) will be a great way to self improve. Just a suggestion! Plus persevere with POF if that's what you're doing. What do you think OP?

Sevendown · 25/06/2018 20:18

Sperm donor?

mselastic · 25/06/2018 20:33

I get where you are coming from.

Im going through a low patch and just need a hug. I also have no family- well am estranged from them all- but they have never given me a hug even as a child.

I think in summer you see lots of groups of people/couples/families making a walk feel lonely.

I though U3a was for retired people?

I am thinking of National Trust holiday, my last holiday was alone and it was great but may do somthing differnt this time.

Rufus27 · 25/06/2018 20:39

OP, I could have written your post when I was the same age. I am now late 40s with two children under two and a lovely partner. Have gone from being career obsessed to doing a simpler job, part time. Dont give up hope. Focus on other stuff in your life - hobbies, friends etc, and you may well just meet someone naturally like I did. Dont rule out OLD either - I cant think of a couple whose wedding I have attended who didnt meet online. Just be selective with which sites you join.

Original poster

palmtreebanana · 26/06/2018 06:45

I know it works (old) but it doesn’t seem to work for me. Sorry, I know that sounds defeatist.

Sperm donor as a single parent - I can’t work out how it would be affordable to be honest.

OP posts:

MaryandMichael · 26/06/2018 06:53

Perfect.
You are in the perfect position to radically change your life.

Who do you really want to be?
What do you really want to do?

Could it be you are trying to fit into a format mapped out by society, that doesn't leave you room to express who you are?

Take some time alone - a retreat, or go to be alone with nature somewhere. Put aside all your expectations (and other people's/society's expectations of and for you) and listen quietly until you hear who you are.

You are waiting for permission to be. Be.

NotANaturalBlonde · 26/06/2018 07:01

OP it's not just you I'm in the same boat. Single at 33 with nothing but a couple of pathetic non starters in my personal history. Not happy or confident at work anymore and still years away from owning a property if ever... I'm saving my ass off for a house meaning I don't really live that much.

I avoid people now who might ask me "so what's new?" Fuck all mate same as last ten times you asked me 👍🏻

While everyone else is happy as pigs in shit or so they say on Facebook... delete your account like I did you'll feel much better.

malificent7 · 26/06/2018 07:06

If I were you I would concentrate on sorting your career out as you need that to fall back on with or without a partner.
Its not easy..I used to be in your situation. Concentrate on feeling better, baby steps. Eat well, excersise, go to counselling. You arexstill so young. Don't compare yourselves to everyone else. Marriage and kids is not the antidote to unhappynes...it comes with its own set of stressors.

malificent7 · 26/06/2018 07:07

And BTW...you have to get the balance right between saving for a house and living a fun life.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/06/2018 07:12

I think looking for a change in jobs is probably the best idea. Obviously don't be reckless but don't be afraid to take a risk.

Original poster

palmtreebanana · 26/06/2018 07:42

Yes, I agree. Summertime tends to be a quiet time of year, jobs wise, which is a shame as I really need to find something else!

I will do in time I know, it’s just work is making me so miserable it’s quite hard to get past that in a way.

OP posts:

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