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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to send this woman a mesage about not touching my bump

57 replies

karategirl · 25/06/2018 14:54

I went to a university reunion dinner at the weekend. It was a lovely do, and I got to see a lot of friends who live all over the country, which was fantastic.

After dinner, I wandered over to speak to someone I hadn't seen during the evening. He had to dash because he had a taxi waiting, so it was a very brief chat. He had been sitting next to a woman from my course. I've never been friends with her, simply because we're very different people. She's the very glamorous, gregarious, 'popular' party girl, whereas I'm very much more introverted, prefer small groups of people etc. Nothing in particular against her, we just don't really have anything in common, other than field of study and work.

As we were both standing there, I started a bit of general small talk with her. She suddenly exclaimed in (what I took to be) a rather disingenuous fashion about how excited she was that I'm expecting and immediately reached out and felt my bump. Not just a touch, but properly grabbed with both hands and felt around. Bearing in mind that I've not seen or spoken to her for about 7 years, we hadn't had any physical contact at all (no hugs or handshakes), and neither of us would consider the other to be a friend.

I didn't say anything at the time (just recoiled slightly) because I didn't want to make a scene at a nice do, but part of me wants to send her a message asking her not to do it in future - if she wants to touch someone's bump, she should at least ask first.

What do you think? Try and stop it happening to other women (because I'm absolutely sure she'd have no qualms about manhandling any pregnant acquaintance) or just let sleeping dogs lie and avoid her if we're in the same room together again?

OP posts:
BrexitWife · 25/06/2018 15:32

For those who are saying it wouod weird to contact her,
Do you think it’s ok for people to go on touching other people like this wo asking? Wouod you be happy to be touched like this, pregnancy or not?
If no one is eve saying it’s not ok, how is that woman ever going to realise that it’s not ok??

A lot of people freeze in that sort of situation. Which also means a lot of people don’t say anything because they are too stunt, dint want to make a fuss/draw attention. I think it’s a crap way to handle things because things that shoud NOT be accepted just carry on because no one ever dare speaking up.

Pengggwn · 25/06/2018 15:32

I dislike seeing responses like, "You need to work on your boundaries" etc. Not everyone is assertive and confident enough to tell people at the exact moment in time. Sometimes the reaction is delayed, like this.

OP, I think you can reasonably send her a message, just saying, "Good to see you again the other night, but, just in case the same situation arises in the future, I wasn't too impressed when you grabbed my bump - best to ask next time!"

JaneyEJones · 25/06/2018 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sashkin · 25/06/2018 15:37

Should it arise again, recoiling and exclaiming “oh my god what the fuck are you doing?” is a perfectly acceptable response to some weirdo palpating your abdomen. I know you didn’t want to make a scene, but you didn’t she did by randomly grabbing at you.

OliviaStabler · 25/06/2018 15:40

Sorry but the moment has gone. Sounds like you wish you had said something at the time and are now kicking yourself that you didn't?

You are unlikely to ever see her again so I'd leave it.

BrexitWife · 25/06/2018 15:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3288206-to-find-other-people-s-reactions-to-my-pregnancy-really-awkward?trending=1

Op have a look at this thread. It seems that depending on who is coming in the thread, being touched when you dint want to isnt always seen as OK or something you dintbwnt to make a fuss about.

I’ll repeat it again.
Someone touching you when you dint want it is assault. A practitioner touching you wo your consent is assault. That woman touching your bump is assault too.
And because it is assault, it’s also ok to get in touch and let her know that it wasn’t ok.

Lemonyknickers · 25/06/2018 15:51

I hate, hate, hate bump touchers. I don't get why people think it is ok to just lunge and grab you, it's never ok unless you are invited, and if you're desperate to cop a feel then ask FFS. Must admit Mumsnet is only place I've seen people say they are OK with it but perhaps all my friends are as spikey as me!
As others have said though I think the moment has passed, however if you hate it get your response ready for the next grope, because she won't be the only one. If you're ready you can deal with it better at the time.

Katgurl · 25/06/2018 15:55

I can relate to not enjoying being grabbed; a woman in work that I don't like at all came up behind me and began rubbing me really vigorously. I moved away.

However I think it would be very unkind to message her. Just because she is glamorous and popular doesnt mean she doesn't have the same insecurities as other people. I would be very upset if I thought I had been friendly to someone and I received a telling off like that.

pigsDOfly · 25/06/2018 16:00

Actually that's a good point BrexitWife about practitioners asking. I noticed that the last time I was at the doctor. He had to listen to my chest and back and each time he asked if it was okay before he touched me. I actually found it a bit much tbh as in that situation I expect to be touched, in an appropriate way of course, but I understand why he did it.

However, I would not expect to be touched by some woman I'm having a conversation with in a public place.

EdWinchester · 25/06/2018 16:22

Either say something at the time, or leave it.

You’d look utterly bonkers sending her a message about it.

EssentialHummus · 25/06/2018 18:03

If it happens again grab their belly right back.

HeyDolly · 25/06/2018 18:09

Messaging her after the event when you’re unlikely to see her again would seem a bit odd tbh. You should either have told her at the time or just write it off and forget about it.

Ihuntmonsters · 25/06/2018 18:15

Messaging her now might seem a bit odd I agree, but not really as odd as feeling up someone else without any sort of warning or permission. As it was only a day or two ago and you aren't likely to meet again I don't see any big issue about sending a quick text.

mzsink · 25/06/2018 18:20

If someone told me this story, I would think the woman messaging the other after the event, was much more strange

HandPickedEklderflower · 25/06/2018 18:23

www.cafepress.co.uk/+don%27t-touch-my-belly+maternity-t-shirts

Get a t shirt

AmazingPostVoices · 25/06/2018 18:24

I dislike seeing responses like, "You need to work on your boundaries" etc. Not everyone is assertive and confident enough to tell people at the exact moment in time

You are right Pengggwn, not everyone is confident or assertive. But they can learn to be in this area.

Sometimes people just need to hear that it’s social acceptable to say “no” and defend their physical boundaries.

It’s not necessary to make a big scene or by hugely eloquent, it’s just a case of taking a step back and saying “no, don’t do that”.

We all need to be capable of doing that.

Not least because we need to be able to teach our children to defend their physical boundaries and they learn partly by watching us.

This is a vital skill.

Sleephead1 · 25/06/2018 18:27

it never bothered me in the slightest if people touched my bump it was just like someone touching my arm to me but I don't mind people touching me in general ( obviously i mean hugging / touching arms shoulders ECT not private areas ) But I know some people hate it. I think the times passed to say it and I don't think she did it to be awful to you it's just a think some people do. If you are going to see her again I think you should say something as you personally aren't comfortable but you can't speak for all pregnant people and some people will love it , some hate it and everything in between

TorviBrightspear · 25/06/2018 18:34

Plus everyone who has done it to me has not been British, so it might be a cultural thing. Lots of cultures are more touchy than the British.

Most people who tried to touch my bump were British, It's just a different experience.

I perfected the art of lightly slapping hands away while saying No, much like I would to toddlers. Rarely had anyone try a second time Grin

pigsDOfly · 25/06/2018 19:57

Touching someone stomach is not the same as touching their arm Sleephead, it's far more intimate to touch someone's stomach.

Sleephead1 · 25/06/2018 20:05

well in my opinion its not and it's fine and I never minded it and don't feel it's any different. Obviously you don't agree but we can all have different opinions. My bump was touched a lot and I don't know anyone in real life who minds it but obviously people do and that is their personal feelings and I respect that

BrownTurkey · 25/06/2018 20:18

Someone - a young female client at work from a demonstrative european culture - kissed mine once!

SerenDippitty · 25/06/2018 20:28

I cannot believe there are people who touch people’s bumps. I have never felt the slightest urge to do so.

Seryph · 25/06/2018 21:28

If a man came up and rubbed his hands all over a woman's hips and waist everyone would be horrified. Just because it was a woman that did the touching and the OP is pregnant does not make it any more acceptable!

I would send the message OP. People would touch me without my consent are running a huge risk, I hate it.

Genderwitched · 25/06/2018 21:41

Don't be silly, you probably won't see her again.

ilovesooty · 25/06/2018 21:45

You should have spoken up at the time. Messaging her now is just peculiar.

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