To not want to be a back up plan

[BlueBlooded]

Had to name change.

My DH's brother and partner (BIL & SIL) have a young child and we have two, they are similar in age and we would have liked them to be close.

We usually get on pretty well when we meet up in spite of being very different people so I often message SIL at the start / middle of the week to see if they are free at the weekend to meet up.
They usually reply with something along the lines of 'we'll have to see what we're doing, will let you know'.

Basically if they don't get a 'better offer' then they will meet up with us.

Aibu to feel that being a back up plan is not on and that if you make plans with family then it's just as important as any other plans, you don't leave them hanging for several days to see if better plans come up?

How often are you messaging? It sounds like every week. If someone was messaging me to meet up every weekend I'd feel suffocated tbh.

I'd also be inclined to try and be nice and say something like I'll see what we are doing while I decided if I could cope. Also i wouldn't feel like I could answer for my husband without consulting him so I will see covers me asking his opinion as well.

I'd be trying to balance wanting to go with feeling overwhelmed and not wanting to cause offence. Weekends are our only family time. I don't want to be somewhere else every week.

No, that is rude.

Have to admit, it does make me wonder how often is 'often' though - purely because if you do see each other a lot then I can understand not always wanting to commit if there might be a once-in-a-blue-moon chance of seeing someone else. Do they ever also end up doing nothing rather than seeing you?

I had a little inward groan when our friend invited us around last minute on Friday when the PiLs had already invited us around for Sunday. We only had enough free time for one social catch up this weekend, and we see the PiLs frequently - this particular friend not so much.

I would wait until they suggest meeting up, or if you are doing something specific, invite them along.

I agree they are being a bit rude. Also, though, meeting up most weekends sounds a bit intense to me. Granted you want the kids to be close, but with busy lives weekends are often the only times to get household jobs done, see all family & friends, have down-time, etc.

Is it possible that they’d like to space the catch ups out a bit more, but don’t know how to tell you? Why don’t you take a break from the midweek phone calls to arrange weekend stuff and let them make the first move a bit more? You’re likely to find out what rhythm suits them better.

I message maybe once every two or three weeks.

This seems fairly often to me as I only see my own siblings a couple of times a year due to distance.

Depends how often you're asking I think. It's rude if it's once in a while. I asked a friend to a BBQ (first one in years literally) this weekend just gone and she said "I'll have to see what we're doing" and then never responded :confused: a no would've been fine!
If you're asking every weekend it's a bit much and they're probably trying to get out of it without having to say a proper no.

I'd rather they actually said no, we've got plans.
They don't have to tell us what they're up to... it's the umming and we'll see what we're doing that annoys me, either you want to make plans or you don't.

Just make other plans. Then yoy can either combine seeing tgem with friends or not see them.

Let them come to you more

It's lovely that you want to see them that often but in the nicest way possible I personally would find it far too much every 2-3 weeks to be asked to make plans for the weekend at the start of the week!!

But then again I'm more antisocial than most and like spending time just with DH and DC so maybe it's just personal preference.

I think you probably need to back off a bit. You say that you are very different people and it does sound like you want to see them more than they want to see you.

What does your H think? It’s his brother, after all.

Maybe wait until she ask you? Just to test how long it would take.

DH would be happy to back right off, he's not terribly sociable at all though tbh.

Colbu - tried that once, it was months!
I eventually texted her as I want to see my niece and I thought they liked seeing their nephews.

I guess I'll back off a bit.

It is rude, if they don't want to see yoiu then they shpuld just say no.

That said, maybe they think that you are really wanting to meet up so better to wait & see rather than a straight out no?

Sounds as if you are the only one bothered about meeting up.

If Dh wants you to back off and it's his family (I assume) why are you messaging your sil every few weeks?

I would find it too much and tbh I'd be a bit annoyed that I was forced to arrange dh or brother's family things for him too.

It's surprising it's this way round, with you having two children and them having one. I can understand someone with one child wanting to forge a close relationship with cousins.

Perhaps just stand back a bit. Once the children are older they are likely to form independent relationships and may well become close then.

every 2-3 weeks is loads. I'd leave it a couple of months and when you want to arrange something do it with more notice.

Maybe that's not how they make plans?

I have to admit that if a person texted me a few days in advance to see if I was free at the weekend I would rather think I was that person's back up plan!

I'd rather the person came out and said "We'd like to meet you, we are free on x,y and z dates - when would suit you?" or "can you come to tea on such and such date" ... at least 2 or 3 weeks ahead.

I can't make weekend plans in advance- I just don't have the headspace during the week. I also need to agree with DH and DD what their plans are and look at the weather. I rarely commit to anything with anyone earlier than Friday night. Hopefully you aren't my sis moaning about me!! Hopefully she realises it is just me. It is never a case of a better offer for us - we don't hang with anyone other than family but if it is a nice day on Saturday I may prefer the beach to swimming with you and once I'd agreed to a plan I'd not want to go back on it..... Why don't you let them know when you have a free weekend ans say they can ping you on Friday if they fancy meeting up but if you don't hear from them by then you can't guarantee you won't have made other plans? That would seems like a win win to me!

Also I don't always know what is happening at the begining of the week, we might have things we things we don't get time to do in the week and end up busy in the weekend.

They obviously want something different out of your relationship.
Maybe the same as you have with your siblings.
Unfortunately, you can't force them to want to meet up, and a back up plan seems to be the position you have put them in by contacting too often.
I couldn't have seen mine too often neither and was not for socialising much with ils. If they had contacted this much, I too would have said wait and see.

tried that once, it was months!

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind man. I'd leave them to it, not ask them any more. Who wants to socialise with in-laws anyway? You have your own little family to focus on. I've stopped making an effort with people who let me do all the running. If they don't contact me as much as I contact them I allow the friendship to wither on the vine.

I think the ‘ if we don’t get a better offer’ is purely your own spin on what they’re saying.
If you’re asking early on in week, maybe they don’t know if they’ve got other stuff going on and when they’re saying ‘ i’“ll see what we’re doing’ that’s what they actually mean.
Unless of course they are always busy and you never see them, then i guess you should take the hint.

I am somebody who plans well in advance. Main reason is the variation of clubs DD has and depending on what is on during the week I need to know if I can add something at the weekend or if I need a day off.

When DD was small (3 and younger) I was more flexible but if I would get texts on a regular basis to meet up I may would get irritated.

Also, not everybody likes to be in each other's pockets, even when it is family. I grew up with cousins around my age but we never met unless it was a family occassion and we still were ok. My aunt def didn't "need to see me". Maybe your SIL is similar.

Another one saying back off. This would be way too much for me unless you were my BFF. You can't force children to be close. If they're very young they won't care how often they see each other. If they're older they'll relish the novelty of cousins.

This would be way too much for me unless you were my BFF.

Even if you were my BFF I wouldn't want that kind of unrelenting pressure! 😁