To not want to be a back up plan

[BlueBlooded]

Had to name change.

My DH's brother and partner (BIL & SIL) have a young child and we have two, they are similar in age and we would have liked them to be close.

We usually get on pretty well when we meet up in spite of being very different people so I often message SIL at the start / middle of the week to see if they are free at the weekend to meet up.
They usually reply with something along the lines of 'we'll have to see what we're doing, will let you know'.

Basically if they don't get a 'better offer' then they will meet up with us.

Aibu to feel that being a back up plan is not on and that if you make plans with family then it's just as important as any other plans, you don't leave them hanging for several days to see if better plans come up?

Yes, I think I would back off a bit, as you’ve said you plan to. Does it matter if it takes months for them to suggest a meet up? Sounds ok to me.

PuddlesOfBlood - DH doesn't want me to back off, he'd be happy enough with less contact though, simply because he isn't very social, he has no problem with me seeing or talking to them.
I don't see them as DH's family, I see them as our family, we have been together for over 10 years and our children are direct blood relations.

SIL has 3 sisters, one of whom she is very close to so there are lots of cousins on the other side. None at all in my family and not likely to be.

I'm really not meaning to moan about them because I do like them, especially SIL, I enjoy spending time with her.

Maybe I am trying too hard - I've just never had a close family before, mine are fairly emotionally awkward so it's been important to me to build good bonds in my boys family.

This would be way too much for me unless you were my BFF.

Even if you were my BFF I wouldn't want that kind of unrelenting pressure! 😁

really? I see my bff twice a week usually, I'm surprised by everyone's replies but I am listening and taking them on board!

it probably is their slightly clumsy way of letting you know that they don't want to see you quite so often as you'd envisaged.

My MIL is LOVELY, but simply cannot get enough of us. We do sometimes make deliberately vague "we'll see" type noises when she asks about our weekend plans, as sometimes we just need some quiet time with no visitors after a hard working week (she is v.young early retired and so has far more time on her hands). We do love her, but need a bit of balance, and time to see other people as well as to be alone as a family.

Maybe they prefer her side of the family?

Do you & your kids have friends?

I much prefer time with my friends/their kids than my sibling & niece.

We are completely different & have little/nothing in common.

I agree with what screw just said.

I think a lot of families value their time as a family unit and aren’t always keen to be booked up every weekend. I’m that way anyway.

And I also have no family or friends nearby at all, so I understand how it is when your dcs have no cousins to play with from your side. Dh’s sister is nearer and has dcs, but I’d still not like to see them every two or three weeks.

Seeing your friend twice a week is lovely though.

Does the friend have children who yours could socialise with?

Every two/three weeks is suffocating. It's not about whether they've got plans or not, it's about not wanting to see anyone that much regardless of who they are.

And sometimes people like not having plans! I love not having plans and being able to just chill with DH and the DC. I love my SIL and nieces but no way would I want to see them that often, and if they kept asking I would feel very pressurised and would be asking DH to please get SIL to back off but without causing offence because I love her really!

Once your children start school you'll make friends with other mothers, and there will be play dates. Then, Sod's Law, your SiL will be texting to know if your DC are free at the weekend and they won't be 😁

SIL has 3 sisters, one of whom she is very close to so there are lots of cousins on the other side. None at all in my family and not likely to be.

So says she sees her sisters every two weeks. And then sees you every two weeks. And then maybe wants to meet a friend...and see your husband's family. You see how that woudl just be too much right? They'd never have any time alone if they kept up with seeing everyone regularly like that.

I woudl assume if they went months without getting in touch that that's how often they want to see me. She probably likes you but just feels pressured.

If I said that I’d mean I need to talk to my partner and kids to see if we have anything scheduled in that I’m not aware of before I say yes.

Colbu - tried that once, it was months!

This is a clue that they are happy to see you every few months. Leave it to them, and as others have said, build your own circle of friends meanwhile. Friends are the family you choose....

I agree with PPs that you seem to want more contact than they do.
So I would back off and let them drive it to see what frequency they want.
I did this with my DB and SIL and now I never see them - and it made me realise I was an idiot for hosting and inviting all the time.
I now put my efforts into friendships with people who actually want to spend time with me rather than forcing a relationship with people who don't.

I would say that too. You would not be a back up plan, simply would not have thought what we want to do at the weekend yet e.g. do we want a quiet day in the garden.

Doesn't matter if people here think every two to three weeks is too often. It's really rude to basically tell people you'll see them if you don't get a better offer.

I wouldn't bother any more, OP.

That's what I say when I already have tentative plans with someone else but I'm waiting to hear from them or if I am in two minds about whether we will be going to a bigger event for example. It doesn't mean that the person asking is a backup plan, so much as I would like to see them if we haven't already got plans.

I think you're taking it a bit too personally.

Maybe, you should take the comment at face value and accept they might just be uncertain of how their week is going to pan out. There are more things going on in people's lives than choosing who to meet up with on the weekend. She may mean they have no time to socialise with anyone that week.

Thanks everyone for the opinions. I guess I didn't realise most people thought 2/3 weeks was too often! 👍🏻

”It's really rude to basically tell people you'll see them if you don't get a better offer.”

They haven’t said that.

Family you can see anytime, if a meeting with a close friend comes up it of course takes priority.

Agree with PP, every 2/3 weeks is claustrophobic for in-laws. I would text maybe one ever couple of months on a Friday night saying "if you dont have plans wanna do something tomorrow".

"every 2/3 weeks is claustrophobic for in-laws. "

Well it's not if everyone gets on & wants to see each other that often of course.

I'd block someone who was pressuring me to make plans every couple of weeks, its way too much!!

I think for me every 2/3 weeks would feel like quite a lot of contact. I also feel like I wouldn't necessarily know at the start of the week if I was free - I'd need to check with DH in case he had made plans, or we might have made a really vague plan - like 'we're keeping that weekend free so we can just do stuff together' - that was still flexible so that once I had spoken to him we could decide if we wanted to stick with the vague plan or see someone else who had asked if we were free.

All that being said - if they are just consistently saying maybe and then falling back on you when they don't have a better offer, that is rude and I can see why you're upset.

I would pull back a bit and maybe only invite them to do things every 4/5 weeks. It gives them a bit of breathing space and makes the time with you more valuable so that they will prioritise it. And if they are a bit resentful at you requesting a lot of their weekends, seeking less of their time will help. See if quality over quantity helps!

Yes, agree with what PPs said. It’s lovely what you’re trying to do but have to admit every two or three weeks is quite a lot. Every two or three months and/or on significant occasions is probably more doable for a lot of families.

I agree with previous posters. They only want to meet up with you every few months, but don't want to seem rude, so prevaricate a bit.