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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking me to court for contact??

38 replies

sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 11:13

Sorry I know this isn't really aibu but need some quick advice.

Long story short, very acrimonious ex, hideous hideous hideous person who has made my life hell and still is even though we have been over since Feb.

Contact has been offered to him on weekends and now during the week, as he seems to have 'lost his job'. In two months, four of those contact opportunities (sometimes for two days running) have been cancelled extremely short notice by him (think literally as I am about to set off to drop of DS in a public place - don't ask).

I have heard that he is planning on taking me to court for a contact order, claiming that I am withholding contact (I am not, I have made DS available for the times he has demanded, offered him alternative contact that he hasn't taken me up on and has actually not replied to emails until the morning of the offered contact claiming it is too short notice) driven halfway to collect him, etc). Seeing as he has cancelled six out of a potential eighteen contact opportunities with increasingly flimsy excuses, I was wondering if anyone knew how that would affect the outcome if he did take me to court?

Oh and needless to say, he is contributing absolutely zilch financially.

OP posts:
Flowerpotbicycle · 24/06/2018 11:17

Keep a record of dates and times he was supposed to have DS and how many times he actually turnrd up. Make all arrangements via text or email so you have it all in writing and he can’t deny it.
The courts would take a very dim view of him if he’s not sticking to prearranged contact plans, he won’t get very far

blackteasplease · 24/06/2018 11:17

They will probably give him a reasonable amount of structured contract, ie. on specific days. That would be good for you as you will know what's happening

That is assuming he's justa dick and nota danger in any way.

sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 11:25

All written down, via email and text, duplicated so he can't claim not to have received offers of contact, etc.

An example is yesterday and today, he let me know yesterday ten mins before I was due to leave the house to drop DS off that he wouldn't be making it, so I asked via text/email about today, and said if I hadn't heard from him by 2pm I would assume he wouldn't be making today either. Obviously I didn't hear from him til yesterday evening, by which point I had made plans... sent another text plus email this morning just confirming that he wasn't taking DS today, no reply whatsoever, but knowing what he is like, and has claimed in the past, he will find a way of saying I have refused contact, or am trying to obstruct his relationship with DS...

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 24/06/2018 11:33

Let him take you to court. You haven't done anything wrong and it'll be a waste of money for him since he's not going to have a judge side with him nor will he be able to keep to a schedule.

Have you opened a case with the CMS for maintenance? Child contact and maintenance are separate issues.

blackteasplease · 24/06/2018 11:35

I agree with keeping all the evidence though. To show how unreliable he is if he asks for more than you think is reasonable.

I'd be surprised if he actually made then application tbh. It may just be something he's telling his wellwishers to paint himself as a victim

sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 11:36

I have. He made one payment, and then mysteriously 'lost his job' that same month, I received a letter from the CMS to say he was now claiming benefits and would be paying me £6.72 a week. Which quite frankly is insulting. I can only imagine that he is pulling a fast one in order to not have to contribute. He has paid nothing for DS who is now 10 months old. Even when he was living here (I know I know I know, I am a fool).

OP posts:
sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 11:44

Black teas please I have a feeling that you are right. Privately I am hoping that he is losing interest (not I hasten to add, that I am even attempting to stop him having a relationship with DS).

I am sick of making plans and making him available, even at the very last minute, only to be let down time and time again, having my other offers of contact ignored, etc. But he is known for playing the victim, so I am thinking it is to get sympathy from those on 'his side', etc. Hopefully a judge will see straight through him.

It's also so unfair on DS, as although he is only little now, when he gets older, it won't just be me that's getting messed around, but DS too.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 24/06/2018 11:47

Just keep all texts/emails/voice messages. And don’t provide food and nappies/other supplies. Idiot ex is his father and responsible for these things. Send him off in one outfit and nothing else.

cherry1012 · 24/06/2018 12:06

Personally he is a child
Just stop pushing him for contact he doesn't even seem bothered about it or his son. It's his loss if he can't even stick to s simple routine or even replying you really think he's going to go to court ? He's just blagging it's sad. My ex is the same. Please do not arrange any other contact as he has had his chance let him chase you for his son, make him beg you to see him n if he doesn't then you know he's doing all this as Just his duty not Cz he cares. I suggest mediation for court as they will want you to try this anyway. Should be able to get it free if he claiming. But seriously this is not worth you chasing him for his son I would just leave it n if (which I doubt he will) he asks for contact you make him come to your door to collect son no more bending for him as he will always do it ! Good luck xx

MrsClutterworth · 24/06/2018 15:40

You have been perfectly reasonable. As pp said keep a record of all the times he's failed to turn up or cancelled. Also the fact he doesn't contribute financially will go in your favour. If you go to court this will help you but be prepared for the mud slinging because unfortunately that's just what happens.

Graphista · 24/06/2018 16:06

Been there.

In my case my ex did take me to court but then his sympathisers wouldn't have been fooled if he hadn't.

At various points I've had the opportunity to (and taken it) to prove to them he's NOT the victim he made himself out to be.

I made the mistake of pushing for regular, sensible contact which he often flaked out on.

In hindsight (that being perfect vision) I should have just let him keep flaking and gradually disappear out of dds life earlier.

Instead there was intermittent contact. I bent over backwards to facilitate, when dd was old enough to sense what was happening herself she made a decision she didn't want to see him unless he made the effort to arrange contact without needing nagged and organised into it! She was old enough imo to decide that & so that's what we did. I sent him one link to her school holiday dates which he acknowledged receiving - he's not made arrangements since, not once. He barely even contacts dd remotely now, 1-2 times a year if that.

Dd is very hurt. He blames me of course!

As I say I regret it, the minor exception to my regret being at least dd knows I did as much as I could. And I appreciate that.

One time - on phone to her - he even 'threatened' to send her all the 'evidence' of me stopping contact over the years. Dd let me know that's what he was saying during the conversation without his knowing - I let her know 'fine tell him to crack on and send it you, cos it won't show what he claims' so she said to him 'ok send me that' and he back pedalled! Unsurprisingly.

Honestly, my advice -

Let him take you to court - it's not cheap and judges aren't stupid! Several judges saw right through my ex (he took me back to court every time I wouldn't rearrange to make up for his flakiness claiming I was 'preventing contact') I had a good lawyer plus as you're being advised I kept all communication re contact in writing.

If he doesn't - which is a distinct possibility that he's all hot air! Let him gradually fade out of your lives. Your DC are still very young, better it happen now than later ime

Don't make arrangements for him - let him do the running, he's an adult! He's perfectly capable of making sensible arrangements for contact AND STICKING TO THEM!

Don't wait around for him, if he's made arrangements and flakes - that's his tough shit! Do something else fun with DC.

Re csa - have they seen evidence he's not working? Have they checked with income tax dept of hmrc? If not they can and should! Unfortunately they do need chasing. If you're getting fobbed off by them contact your MP. Myself and others on mn have done this and it does light a fire under their arses!

Mrs clutterworth are you in uk? In uk courts maintenance isn't considered re contact at all, I wasn't even allowed to allude to it!!

Petrolismygas · 24/06/2018 16:08

My ex used to say that he was taking me to court all the time.

I would just say "ok, see you there then"
Considering our youngest has just turned 18, I don't think he'll bother now.

YouTheCat · 24/06/2018 16:12

Does he realise how much it costs to go to court over contact?

I suspect not. He won't do it. He's just trying to exert control over OP.

I wouldn't be facilitating any contact that isn't court ordered. If he wants to see his child, he needs to organise it.

sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 17:43

Hanks for all the responses and sorry for my delayed reply. As I understand it, the first port of call is mediation? I have suggested this as I am
Sick and tired of being messed about, but as you can imagine it is like hitting my head against a brick wall. Is that a step that has to be made and proved before it gets to the court stage?

I suspect know for a fact that he is playing the victim, and most likely his overbearing family are behind the demands for contact (wonder if they are aware of just how many times he has bailed, no doubt fed more lines by him about my evilness and preventing him from seeing his precious son. He's obviously bored already with the baby, and as he is moved quite a way away, can't be arsed to make the journey, even though I have met him halfway before. And before anyone says it, I know contact isn't pay per view but I do feel that I shouldn't be left out of pocket in petrol money and so on, when he contributes literally the bare minimum (again, it remains to be seen if he does actually pay the cm this month, last month was obviously a one off, and seeing as his circumstances changed so dramatically so soon... 🤔).
I am not sure how to prove that I suspect he is working, as I said, he has moved quite far away, and won't communicate basic information such as how much ds has napped/fed etc, so no point trying to get the truth out of him. I reckon something like cash in hand so he's not traceable by the tax man...
I feel so stupid. And frustrated. And thoroughly fed up!

OP posts:
sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 17:53

Also does anyone know what is 'reasonable contact', in the event that he does take me to court... the fact that he cannot take care of himself let alone a young baby terrifies me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 24/06/2018 17:58

How do you find his family? If they are localism to you then perhaps offer them contact separately? Remember they have been fed a pack of lies but if they will look after DS well offer to make DS available for contact direct to them once a fortnight or something.

Certainly don't run around facilitating meet ups etc.

Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:06

He can’t take you to court stright off the bat for contact

It’s mediation first then it’s they who decide if court is a must
My ex tried this shit

He was referred to the mediation service

First question is when do we go to court mediation guy said well their be at least 6 months of active mediation first it’s not cheap so you might want to come to an agreement quickly

Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:08

Going to court should be a last resort. But if you do need to go to court, you will still need to show that you have either attended a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM) or you don't need to attend a MIAM because of your circumstances. ... The mediator can help you complete this at the first meeting or MIAM.
When do I need to go to court? - Family Mediation Council
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk › ...
Feedback
About this r

Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:10

Since about 2014 you no longer have the right to just go to court the court had so many custody and contact cases they were slowing down their ability to hear child protection cases
So unless you have had dv or their is a child protection element eg ss are invloved you can no longer go to court

You have to have shown to have tried mediation in a meaningful way

NeverTwerkNaked · 24/06/2018 18:14

Point out to him that you are happy to go to mediation.
Keep a record of all the flakey contact.
Work on the assumption he may or may not appear on contact days, then you won’t be shocked either way.
It’s utterly grim when they play these games and I sympathise hugely. Mine took me to court saying he wanted 50/50 then when we were at court it suddenly dawned on him he only wanted them one day a week and never at weekends Hmm. Think he just wanted to play the part of the hard done by dad.

sunnyrainywhatever · 24/06/2018 18:16

His family are just as bad as him and they live a short plane journey away, so far enough that regular contact with them is fairly out of the question (thank goodness!).
Thank you for posting the link, it has been presented to me by various parties that it will be as simple as taking me to court. But as I said, I don't understand (nor can any rational adult) how he can take me to court if I am offering and facilitating contact and he cancels/declines it.
Unfortunately, I will not qualify for legal aid as even though I am technically on maternity leave and I receive SMP and have been for the last however how long, plus the fact he has contributed practically zero financially l, my salary and savings (for my son's future I might add, that I am racing through at a rate of knots) mean that my earnings are too high (ha bloody ha).
Just to clarify, I am currently offering five or six hours twice a week. And he normally returns him to the drop off point early anyway, despite claiming I am restricting the time..:
Seriously cannot win!

OP posts:
Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:18

Shit after mine realised he wasn’t going to get his day in court he did nothing that he agreed to in mediation and I never heard from his again he texts ds from time to time however dose t bother to vist now ds is 18
The cries of she’s keeping ds from me are a bit weak

Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:20

sunnyrainywhatever

You can win the mediation people will think what your offering is fine it won’t get to court and the mediation people make notes of who is being unreasonable if it ever did come to that
Also they usually want either their day in court or control

Thanks Dave Cameron Smilehe will have nither

Metoodear · 24/06/2018 18:22

New mediation laws to help separating couples
Separating couples will be legally required to find out about ways to settle disputes away from the courtroom, under new laws currently going through Parliament.

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