AIBU / what would you do.....ds with SEN laptop / tablet problems

[Summersnake]

Ds is 9..for some time now,every spare second he has he is on his laptop or tablet playing rolbox or hay day or watching on utube people playing these games....we have put limits in place,....he has managed to take limits off and taken it back to factory settings removing parent and child profiles....he has found the password book and take off the time limits ..he screams crys shouts ,tears rolling down his face...the tablet he has won't allow children's u tube ,so hes on regular u tube watching adults play children's games !!!!!!...I take it off ,he reinstalls it ...everything I do he gets round...he's autistic.hes clearly very clever with technology,he can do more than I can...but he won't accept limits,when it turns off after 2 hours he goes mad..I've tried ,timers ,I've tried trusting him....7 hours solid when I tried to trust him to limit himself,so I had to step in.its causing huge family problems,he's reluctant to leave the house..he's not in school,waiting for ECHP..when I do manage to get him of tablet and laptop,he moves on to tv...he's started hitting us now in frustration,he hurts..so yesterday I took the tablet away for hitting me ...all the problems we have with him are caused by tablet and laptop....he thinks his future is in technology,he thinks he will earn his money on u tube,and he is very good with technology....so my question....am I being unreasonable to not give the tablet back and to remove the laptop ......or if he's got some gaming addiction ( which I suspect) will I make things worse?

The tablet is causing problems, so remove it once and for all. A child that age does not need a tablet, or a laptop. I'm sure someone will come on and contradict me, but it is quite true. He would be better served doing anything else. Get him outside more. Read to/with him. He does not need technology at his age. There is plenty of time for him to use these things when he is older.

Yes that is my thoughts candle....the laptop and tablet were a huge surprise to me as he recived them from a relative

Have you tried using visual schedules OP? Consistently applied, they can really support children with ASD.

Would setting a very strict timetable work?

I think you need to change the time limit password and not write it down. You also need to work on why he thinks it’s ok to go looking for private things.

I would agree with Little

What you don’t want is this attitude carryover by on into secondary school and him assuming he doesn’t need GCSEs because he can be a YouTube star.

If I had a pound for every boy in my class in the last five years who thought he could play PlayStation all day or watch videos and it he would be the one in a hundred thousand who would earn money I would be very rich indeed.

Unfortunately, based on my experience, all of these boys go on to fail most of their GCSEs and end up not in college or a job.

Obviously, they are much much older than your son. But all of them had a history of gaming addiction.

Gaming is fine, like everything, in moderation. If he can’t moderate himself or accept moderation then it all needs to go. You need to find him another hobby.

I have seriously restricted iPad use in my SEN class as the children were seeking it at the expense of other useful/ important/ calming/ regulating activities. Adults found it a useful babysitter too...

It will be difficult for you, I know, but scheduling time for iPad with lots of other stuff scheduled in between might need to be the way to go.

We had the same issue, except DS is 4 nearly 5, so we removed it. Completely. Now the only time DS is allowed on either a phone or to obsessively watch something is when we're either stuck in a waiting room, or before tea after school and that's it. It was horrible at first but after the first week and using then & next cards something clicked in him and he got it

I never restricted mine. His xbox was his calm. Removing it just created stress all round. I tried it a couple of times before asking myself why, and it was because I didn't think he should be on it that long, not because him actually being on it was a problem. He is now mid teen and doing fantastically well.

Can you find linked activities that he can do away from the iPad?

Otherwise as hard as it is I think I would remove completely for a while and then gradually reintroduce with strict limits. As others have said visuals can help massively.

I feel l have tried everything possible,limiting it...it causes so many problems when it's time to turn off..if I knew we would end up like this I would of given the gifts back..do kids need technology? Am I wrong to remove it all?

What software are you using?

I'd take it away completely for a while, and if you decide to give the tablet back try Qustodio. It completely locks the device down when the time limit is up, and if you block access to settings he shouldn't be able to get in and disable it (as long as the password is secure)

Unfortunately, based on my experience, all of these boys go on to fail most of their GCSEs and end up not in college or a job.

Just wanted to add here, mine is the complete opposite to this. He is a straight A student, very focused academically and in course for university next year!

Xpost.

I'd just take it away then. Has he got a DS or similar that he could play with instead?

Sirzy...he has got round all the limits ,he took it back to factory settings and removed the parents / child profiles....I've caught him in bed hiding under the covers late at night with it.....

So you need to keep it physically with you when he is in bed so he can’t get it then.

I don't want to end up in years to come with him at camhs with gaming addiction...if we arnt at that point yet ,we soon will be...I know it's his safe place on these games,I know they calm him,and it gives me a much needed break...but the fallout when it turns of is awful

trove

Based on quite a bit of experience I would say yours would be the exception, not the rule.

This is especially true of boys (mostly) who struggle with literacy and are often in bottom sets.

While gaming does help with spacial understanding and co-ordination it does absolute nothing for literacy.

OP- it does depend how capable across the board your son is. But addiction of any kind is never helpful really. What would worry me is that it is causing him to have aggressive tantrums. My daughter is the same if we take the iPad away. So she gets it very little and we are trying to teach her very slowly that it is limited.

If you don’t want to remove completely then try the visual timetable and very slowly increase the time limits. But only if he is fairly reasonable about it.

Does he have other things he liked doing before the games took over?

Do the devices give him access to the Internet?

Have you tried visual schedules?

I want to remove both till he needs them for secondary school homework....am I wrong ? Would you remove them??

I would have removed it from him permanently for deleting the adult/child’s profiles.

We had this problem. It was really stressful as our ds was not engaging with his siblings. What worked for us was implementing a version of 'summer holiday rules' (which I found a printable checklist for on pinterest) on an every day basis.

These are a checksheet of things that they have to do each day before any screen time is allowed. These are things like read for 20 minutes, make something (art or lego) for 20 minutes, play outside for 20 minutes, do something nice for someone else. We rejigged it to suit our lives and included things such as physio. We also ban any screen time after dinner completely (as otherwise there is no sleep at all for anyone in the house). We find that dinner is a great cut off point as we struggle with transitioning from activities (quite horrifically).

Having the checklist worked fantastically and also the fact that we weren't saying no but you must do this first. His crap transitioning also worked fantastically in our favour as he often became engrossed in a task and was quite happy to carry on with whatever activity he was doing rather than trying to find the iPad.

Hope it helps.

You are not wrong for removing them, no. But you will need to work hard for a while to find alternatives for him! I have found with my students who have constant use at home, that it is really difficult to find new activities.
Can I suggest, as your child gets older ‘The teenage guide to life online’ by Nicola Morgan? Sensible advice. Her website is good too.

I agree that it might be best to remove them completely for a while. And to make sure they’re inaccessible at night if he’s in the habit of hiding under his covers with them.

DS1 (6, with ASD) can be a bit obsessive about his tablet - although nowhere near the extent that you describe, OP - and one thing that has worked well for us is screen free days.

On a screen free day, he has no access at all to tablets or TV. I usually hide the tablets and TV remote to remove temptation. DS1 was very grumpy about the whole concept at first, but now he’s used to it, we just get a token protest before he goes and finds himself something else to do. It’s a funny thing, but there’s less whining about the screen free day than there is about having a time limit on the tablet on other days.

I'd remove everything as a punishment for overriding the parental controls.

As well as the issues of being obsessed with screens he's incredibly vulnerable to predatory adults.

Could be be encouraged to do more productive things with technology? If he thinks his future is in technology, that's more likely to be in computer programming, IT, or something engineering related and not playing games. Endless game playing is the problem here, not the technology per se.