AIBU / what would you do.....ds with SEN laptop / tablet problems

[Summersnake]

Ds is 9..for some time now,every spare second he has he is on his laptop or tablet playing rolbox or hay day or watching on utube people playing these games....we have put limits in place,....he has managed to take limits off and taken it back to factory settings removing parent and child profiles....he has found the password book and take off the time limits ..he screams crys shouts ,tears rolling down his face...the tablet he has won't allow children's u tube ,so hes on regular u tube watching adults play children's games !!!!!!...I take it off ,he reinstalls it ...everything I do he gets round...he's autistic.hes clearly very clever with technology,he can do more than I can...but he won't accept limits,when it turns off after 2 hours he goes mad..I've tried ,timers ,I've tried trusting him....7 hours solid when I tried to trust him to limit himself,so I had to step in.its causing huge family problems,he's reluctant to leave the house..he's not in school,waiting for ECHP..when I do manage to get him of tablet and laptop,he moves on to tv...he's started hitting us now in frustration,he hurts..so yesterday I took the tablet away for hitting me ...all the problems we have with him are caused by tablet and laptop....he thinks his future is in technology,he thinks he will earn his money on u tube,and he is very good with technology....so my question....am I being unreasonable to not give the tablet back and to remove the laptop ......or if he's got some gaming addiction ( which I suspect) will I make things worse?

I like the idea of the ‘summer holiday rules’ Slightly, I think I’ll be borrowing that idea to try out with DS1

Remove them completely.
We have a few children in school who are violent at home. Our Camhs link worker advises parents to limit tablets to one hour each day as it negatively impacts on behaviour. 2 of the parents were sceptical but tried it and the kids are completely different now. The one that didn't try it because the kid kicked off when it was taken away has seen no improvement.
Your DS might kick off worse at the start but he should settle down. The most important thing is to be firm and consistent.

What's the longest you've managed to have him following an ok schedule? Is it a matter of day or weeks or months? What if you restarted and allowed him, say, an hour a day and three hours a day at the weekend but enforcing it 100%. Making it absolutely clear that there will be no way around it. Also make it very clear what the punishments would be if he complains or breaks the rules.

Easier said than done but might be worth it.

I'd have all the rules and punishments discussed, written down and displayed.
I don't know if it's possible to include him in the discussions about what the rules will be. He might be savvy enough to see that by agreeing to the rules he will at least be allowed to get some gameplay.

I think you need to revisit your parental controls etc. If needed might you be able to get someone to come in to set them up for you. Apple parental controls are extremely difficult to get around. Kids get around them but only because parents give them their passwords or let their kids spy on them 😫

Physically removing the devices is obviously foolproof.

What games does he play? Is he online all the time on them? If so that would be even easier to control

(Also, but if a wild suggestion that may be daft but have you thought about Pokémon Go? You could try playing it as a family.)

We had this problem with DS1 (14 now, ASC) We found when we completely removed the devices, after the initial tantrums (And they were tantrums not meltdowns) the difference in his attitude and behaviours was remarkable. We allow him some freedom at the weekends now and if he keeps on task at school he gets an hour of play after homework. I still sometimes wish that he'd never got them though. He is much better without them!

He goes through fazes of obsession with things...and wants to do it all the time...the last obsessions were fine ..expensive but fine...but this one...at the minute tablet is gone and laptop has 2 hours ,where it switches on and off and our set time....so he's now watching tv..he puts DVDs on and watches the same one over and over not changing the disk...I've just taken him out to the park ,and as soon as we get back it's on....so I'm thinking he has an addiction to screens ,or obsession..I'm going to have to remove the DVD player as well....

What do you hope to replace his screen time with?

He has every Lego set imaginable,,a past obsession...we have paints ,colouring ,he has a whole playroom of age appropriate stuff ,national trust tickets and yearly farm tickets,I'm happy to read to him,take him to parks ,walk the dog ...hopefully get back to a school soon..we have lots of workbooks and educational stuff to get done

I think you have to take advantage of the obsessions rather than fight them. Want the tablet? No problem if you're using the educational/math/similar apps. Want to Go on the computer? No problem if you're reading Wikipedia or writing a story. If he's more at the Asperger's end of autism it could pay off hugely if he can become obsessed with education and learning regardless of the media he uses to do it.

Sounds like he still has enough other interests for you to schedule them and screen time.

Busy barbra...I've tried that ..he won't let me put anything educational on it ..he'd just take if off anyway

He's not Asperger ...he's autistic

Please don't ban it! How about a different approach - he seems clever and into tech you need to channel this to be more productive than just playing and watching. Encourage him into programming - there will be loads of courses like this over summer for kids could he attend one? Look at FunTech and Tech Camp (our 2 DS have both been on similar and lved them). I don't know where you live but look at the Royal Institution if you live near London. Or buy a kids guide to coding to help him get started. Please don't ban it - channel his efforts and make it productive and support him.

Blue jarva ..that an interesting thought

It’s not wrong to take them away entirely if you feel that the effect is entirely negative. Clearly you aren’t happy about the cycle you are in.

I’d echo those suggesting a visual timetable, alarms set for when he needs to hand it back to you and a checklist of activities that need to be completed daily before screen time is allowed.

Devices live in a locked box in your room except when you have agreed to use.

You could also trial only allowing screens on certain days of the week.

But your current situation is untenable. And given his communication difficulties you’ll need to create something visible that you can point to and remind him of the new agreed rules in the house. Eg, devices for two hours (use timer) after this checklist is completed each day. Rinse and repeat and be prepared for him to fight you kicking and screaming all the way.

And you’ll need the household on board because it’s likely to be a difficult transition from current situation to one that feels more comfortable for you.

And echoing the idea of using his interest to find activities like code camp. Finding a way to make his interest expand his world rather than restrict it could make all the difference

I don't even know what coding is..but this is all he is interested in..it's so hard ..why do the kids not come with a manual

I don't agree with removing it completely. Children should have access certainly to Pcs and laptops from a young age if that is something they are interested in. Not just for gaming obviously but for learning code and programming. DS was at school with a boy who was very skilled, wrote his own programmes etc because he started at 5 or 6.

It's disappointing that a teacher should be so dismissive about gaming/ tech use. Many kids hope to become game designers or professional YouTube gamers, it's no different from a kid kicking a ball around wanting to be the next Harry Kane. The reality is most don't make it but there are plenty of opportunities in IT for kids who are good with tech and don't need reams of GCSEs. They just need interest and ability.

I think encouraging use of the tech that goes beyond gaming is the way to go, not removing it all completely. There are loads of YouTube tutorials to explain the basics, step by step guides etc that may well capture his interest.

I don't even know what coding is..but this is all he is interested in.

Oh wow, if this is really the case you need to find out more and reach an acceptable compromise. This is what all those highly paid engineers at places like Google and Amazon are doing and those sorts of jobs suit autistic people very well as they're very structured and abstract.

Ok...well I will have a look at coding and programming,see if I can direct his interest elsewhere

Velvet

I'm not dismissive of tech as a tool or a career. These are vital skills.

But there is a problem if it is all a child ever wants to do.

Everything in moderation.

So, if a sixteen year old is staying up until 3am to play Fortnite. And not making it into school until 1pm, would you say that's a problem?

I have just described seven of the boys in my Yr11 class. They are all at least four levels below their capability and refuse to engage with the idea of revision, lesson work and are hyper in class.

This is a widespread issue and it's getting worse.

Is there a Coderdojo club nearby that he could attend? They are run by parents with support from techy volunteers. My DS (9) loves coding and started out using scratch at the local dojo where I now volunteer.

scratch.mit.edu

code.org/minecraft
If he likes Minecraft or Terraria, he might enjoy these coding courses. You can do them online so he doesn't need to download any software. They're designed for youngsters so very safe to use.

I really don't think removing the hardware is a sensible option. Used properly, it's a fantastic tool. My DS has broken up for the summer holidays and spends hours on his computers but he's dyspraxic and struggles with sporty activities.

coderdojo.com

Hello, just wanted to share this little video about a report on Screen Time from Children in Northern Ireland - I think it raises some really interesting points. You can watch here: youtu.be/rhI_F3X2Oa0

Reducing solo screen time is a good idea.If he watches a specific channel or anime etc, watching it on a bigger screen with someone can help and chatting about it can help it not be a closed off avoiding activity.

My DC are a bit younger, 5 and 8. It was getting out of hand, too: shouting, hitting us when we would try to take ipads away. I only saw one thing for it- ipads 'went for repairs' at the beginning of November. First few days were tough, but now they are different children. Colouring, doing art project, building things, playing, running, helping around the house.
Try it. You will not regret it.
Your child is too young to be spending his life in front of the screen.