Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the bad guy?

27 replies

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:27

I have name changed for this post. Sil is on here and I really need to get this off my chest, no holds barred.
I feel I believe, my husband is just such a bully. A manipulative controlling bully.
But according to him there is just no pleasing me.... I feel like I am going mad!!
My brain is so addled, this might make no sense. I'm just so confused.
Everything has to be his way, and if I push back (which I do) it's always because (according to him) everything has to be my way and I am totally unreasonable.
I genuinely hand on heart feel it's not true. And I am exhausted from being bullied and manipulated. I know nobody on here knows us, or sees us day to day, so you couldn't possibly tell me if I'm the bully or he is. I just feel like I'm going mad, and I have nooone in real life to talk to. Sad

I'm pretty sure I want to separate and I tried to talk to him tonight. So he had a huge hissy fit and stormed off. Like, can I not separate from my husband if he just refuses to listen to me????? I am so unhappy. But according to him that's my own fault. Is it???

We have 2 lovely kids that we both adore. We both work full time but I do all of the wifework, school stuff, as well as house, cut grass diy etc. I'm miserable.
I actually don't expect solutions from strangers on the Internet, I just need to let this out.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 23/06/2018 22:31

Yes if you want to separate you can.

From your brief description I wouldn't blame you.

If he won't listen there's no hope of changing anything.

You could stop doing all his washing cooking etc. But I find this kind of work to rule stuff a bit negative.

InternalGangsta · 23/06/2018 22:33

Before separating it might be helpful to try to understand the dynamics between you. Couples counselling will help. If he doesn't want to go then have your own in order to make sense of what's going on for you.

themooon · 23/06/2018 22:34

it dosnt matter if you are or not 'the bad guy' you sound very unhappy and should leave irrespective.

Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:35

Thank you Gabrielle, I appreciate your reply. I actually needed to see that, yes, of course I can seperate if I want to! Of course I can. And he never listens. Not unless it's about him or what's interesting to him. Which tbh, I am not. I just can't understand why he would want to stay married to me?? He has no respect for me. He needs an obedient employee, not a wife. My brain is fried

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 23/06/2018 22:36

It sounds like DARVO. Something about deny, accuse, reverse,... basically, accusing you of the abusive behaviour he is displaying.

I wouldn't do counselling with him, I'd just get out.

IsItMeOrAmIBoring · 23/06/2018 22:38

Well, your post is quite vague OP, so hard to tell if the problem resides in you or him! Probably it's in the relation between you.

Why did you both get together? What did u love in each other? Can these be re-kindled? Where did they go wrong? What's prompted the recent relationship to be as it now is?

Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:41

Crossed with a few posts there. I've never heard of that Darvo, but that is exactly what always happens! I try to talk about something, and it turns into a rehash of all the times I did such and such, how wrong I've been in the past, all my mistakes. I'm not perfect, I do make mistakes, he has plenty of material and it's all true.

OP posts:
Hidillyho · 23/06/2018 22:43

It’s hard to tell as you haven’t given much detail to why/how you think he is a bully.

You can however absolutely separate if you want to, however, if he doesn’t listen to you then it’ll be hard to get him to leave the home. You will need a plan of action if you want to go through with it. Is there somewhere that you and the children can all go and stay until you can get a place sorted for you?

Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:46

Isitme it is vague. Tbh, there's so much wrong I don't know where to start. It's been bad ish since the birth of our first, got a bit better, then went pretty bad again after birth of second. It's been in a slow decline since then. We are both quite bossy, controlling Type A personalities. 2 chiefs and no Indians. Maybe that's all it is. I'm prepared to own my part in it, I'm no walk in the park I know! But he just thinks that it's 100 % me. Maybe he's right. And maybe it doesn't matter if we're both miserable. Does it matter?

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 23/06/2018 22:49

When I told my ex I wanted to leave he continued with his bath and told me the soap was lovely.
Confirmation if needed that he never listened to me.
I found a house, packed, and moved out while he was at work.
We weren't married and the house was his.

Lou222 · 23/06/2018 22:49

Can you give an example of how he bullies you?

Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:49

Hidillyho I don't want to leave my home. But I know it's not fair to ask him to leave either. I haven't really thought this through clearly. I appreciate the replies. It's helping me focus a little. And apologies for vagueness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 22:54

Lou he makes a show of asking my opinion, but then inevitably tells me in great detail why I'm wrong and (for a quiet life) we do it his way. If I dig my heels in he will sigh and list all the times I've been wrong in the past, but say that it's fine, "let's do it your way" I'm usually a bit unsure of myself then and I give in. This happened with first born's name, the car I drive, the house we live in, and every holiday we ever go on.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 23/06/2018 22:57

I recommend the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans to help clear your head.

Start a journal and write down what happens.
Stand back if you can from an argument and observe not absorb.

Generally happy couples seek to find solutions if their partner upset but an abusive partner refuses to listen and blames as a way of defending..they become the victim and you the abuser because you are "never pleased".I had that thrown at me and its just another way to ignore your feelings.
If you think he is a bully, he probadly is.

Helpsomeone · 23/06/2018 23:00

I get you! Yesterday I asked my dp to help me look at something we’re having a problem with in the house, he looked, described what he could see but was confused so I said ‘let me take a look’ he didn’t move... I repeated ‘I’ll have a look then’ and he became defensive.. ‘why do you need to look?, I’ve looked, me ‘well you can’t see what we need to see so I’ll try to look’ no, he’s offended (he’s pissed off he can’t solve the problem but it can’t be his fault, he needs to make it my fault) I ended up losing my shit, told him he doesn’t respect me, asked him to leave if that’s what he wants..his reply, ‘I’m going nowhere’ why the fuck stay if you have so little respect for your partner??

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 23/06/2018 23:10

Zoom, you say I don't want to leave my home. But the way things are, is this really a home or is it just a house you live in, unhappily?

watchingwithinterest · 23/06/2018 23:11

If you feel bullied, then you are being bullied no matter now subtle it is or how low level it might be (this is the worst, because inevitably makes you question yourself so much)

He doesn't listen to you unless it interests him? Pack his stuff and change the locks. That might make a difference. Refuse to talk to him until he can listen and take on board your feelings.

I would consider a trial separation as a starting point, and see where you go from there.

Somertime · 23/06/2018 23:12

It doesn’t matter how he bullies you for you to decide to separate. If you are not happy and can’t see things changing then you can decide to end the marriage. Life’s too short to live an unhappy life.

The practical bit is a lot more complex and others on here will be far more knowledgeable. Be strong and you can do it.

Lou222 · 23/06/2018 23:12

He sounds awful, does he ever show you any kindness?

percheron67 · 23/06/2018 23:13

You have my sympathy. Being bullied by someone is soul destroying. It doesn't happen all at once and that is why we are trapped into living with it. I do hope you have enough "you" time to think it through and clear your mind. You are in my thoughts,

Arum51 · 23/06/2018 23:13

If DARVO is making sense, get out. Just go. Otherwise, you will end up a nervous wreck, constantly second-guessing yourself, and paralysed with anxiety about everything. It's no way to live, and will have a long lasting impact on your life.

Helpsomeone · 23/06/2018 23:17

I ended the argument with ‘I’m not accepting your ‘yeah but you said this, yeah but what about this and that you did’ bullshit’ ‘I accept and admit that I say stuff, you don’t’ And he’s backed right off, think I gave him food for thought. Lost respect for him though, need to find the strength to get him to leave Sad

Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 23:24

He does show kindness, he's not wicked or bad. But he is incredibly selfish and looks after himself first all of the time. It feels like our home, but I prefer when he's not here, when it's just me and the kids. I'm a grown woman, I just want to make my own decisions. I am capable of compromise. But he is not. It's becoming more clear to me as I write it all down. I really appreciate the replies, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 23/06/2018 23:26

Helpsomeone that resonates with me. I think the respect is almost gone entirely on both sides.

OP posts:
Fromage · 23/06/2018 23:38

Zoom - google 'gaslighting' if you've not heard the term before. It sounds a lot like that.

He sounds awful and you deserve better.