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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Someone is going to need to calm me dow

70 replies

Sanitysearcher · 23/06/2018 20:47

Myself and my partner have been together for over a year and half. We live roughly 90 miles apart, however I commute to work close to where he lives. For this reason I mainly stay or socialise at his house. He has never travelled to mine.

I have invited him to my house for the very first time. I suggested next Friday and that I would like to cook him dinner and for him to stay over, which he agreed to weeks ago.

He has now informed me that he has been invited to a work evening do that night and has said yes. He suggested that whilst he would like to go out with work, he would cancel it if I still wanted him to come over.

I’ve spent all week doing my house up and painting as it’s needed some tlc. I now feel so stupid for wasting all my time. His house is in the country and is massive, mine is a small town house. I was nervous about having him over as it’s meant a lot to me but now I’m ready to explode at how inconsiderate he has been.

Somebody please give me perspective

OP posts:

Monty27 · 24/06/2018 05:36

I wouldn't let someone know I was so excited I got the paint brushes because potentially they were going to come and see me in my house.
That would freak me out a lot bit.

Skittlesandbeer · 24/06/2018 05:38

He’s cheating cos he said ‘got double-booked, is it ok if I stand you up this time’??

Occam’s razor, OP. He’s your bog-standard dufus straight man, for mine. Choosing ‘cake and eat it’ as a first option, without giving any real thought to it (or certainly you).

I like your plan of taking him at his word, that he’s happy to cancel work friends if you’d prefer. Yes, you prefer, because it’s actually a bit of a big deal for you (and the relationship). I’d point that out, light-heartedly. Tell him to upgrade to the better bunch, on the flowers he was planning to bring to commemorate this momentous step, and all will be forgiven for his ungentlemanly faux pas. Then really drop it. The issue, not the bunch of flowers.

pilotswife · 24/06/2018 05:41

Just rearrange the night and enjoy having a friend over in your beautiful tidy house !

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2018 06:10

I agree with you expecting him to come as agreed. Stand firm on what you want. He’s acted very thoughtlessly by agreeing to go out but at least he saw fit to redeem himself in time.

GertieMotherwell · 24/06/2018 08:30

The time isn’t wasted. You have been inspired to do up your house.

I would tell him it’s ok and plan another night. Then see how it goes

enike · 24/06/2018 08:59

just rearrange for another date

as people said, painting and tidying your flat is not a wasted time

if you talk to him just be normal about it, ask about the work-event in a chatty way and tell him you are planning to invite your other friend over so both of you enjoy the night separately, like you were doing during those 18 months you are together?

surely you are used to it?

or is there any other reason you feel fuming? this is no biggie if everything else is fine?

LiteraryDevil1 · 24/06/2018 09:15

Could you go to the work event with him if it's a social thing? Then go back to yours after?
I wouldn't be happy either but ime blokes seem to forget plans a lot, whether genuinely or purposely
Even with an ill parent it seems odd not to have been to your place in 18 months. Did you not want him to met your parents?

GinisLife · 24/06/2018 09:55

He already committed to being at yours for the weekend. He shouldn't have accepted the other offer. Rude. Why do people think it's acceptable to back out of prearranged plans because the other option sounds better ? Cake and eat it

sunshinesupermum · 24/06/2018 10:01

I can understand how you feel but either go with him to work do or rearrange the time he comes over to stay at yours. Really not worth falling out over.

lborgia · 24/06/2018 10:11

It all sounds a bit strained to me. On the one hand, just because you spruced the place up as if you were prepping Windsor for a Royal wedding, on the other, he's done that deeply unpleasant thing of accepting another invite, and then making it your problem. You shouldn't have to LET him go. Epithet you say it's all fine, feel resentful, and he gets to feel perfectly reasonable because it was your choice, or you say you were expecting him and have already shopped/ put off other plans etc, and then you look demanding.

Ugh.

lborgia · 24/06/2018 10:12

"Either"! Not epithet!!

Soloooo · 24/06/2018 10:15

He can come Saturday night instead! What’s the big deal?

Branleuse · 24/06/2018 10:16

its not really last minute is it.
I'd tell him I was a bit disappointed as it was the first time and it was significant, but if he wants to rearrange and make it up to you later that's ok

Juells · 24/06/2018 10:27

He's not really a 'DP' is he? You go out (or stay in) together. I don't see how he'd be able to tell that you've been knocking yourself out cleaning and painting the house for the royal visit - that would never occur to me if someone invited me somewhere. What's to stop him coming on the Saturday night instead? Why does it have to be Friday or drama?

enike · 24/06/2018 10:35

yeah, maybe just say: okey, lets come on Saturday then
90 miles is not as far
so all preparations will be still fresh

BlueJava · 24/06/2018 10:38

He probably doesn't realise how much this means to you. If you always go over to his he probably just assumed this change of arrangements would be fine with you - because to him it didn't seem a big deal. I guess he doesn't realise the effort you have put in. I'd go with it and set another date for him to come over to your place.

MrsMint · 24/06/2018 10:39

Perhaps arrange another date for him to visit you; if he also pulls out of that one then he is probably just not that into you.

burnoutbabe · 24/06/2018 10:42

Agreed why can't he come over Saturday instead and leave Sunday. Still have the weekend together.
This isn't a first date, this is just another meet up (to him and most people would see it that way)

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 24/06/2018 14:10

I would just rearrange another time. Try not to read too much into this.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/06/2018 18:02

YANBU. I'd be really excited to see my partner's place for the first time in 18 months, and I bet you would too, hence why it's hurtful that he isn't. But presumably he doesn't have that curiosity, and that does NOT translate to "he doesn't care about you as a person."

There are an awful lot of women on Mumsnet who've been cheated on and are now super suspicious. Don't let their bitterness affect this relationship by listening to their posts.

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