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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone is going to need to calm me dow

70 replies

Sanitysearcher · 23/06/2018 20:47

Myself and my partner have been together for over a year and half. We live roughly 90 miles apart, however I commute to work close to where he lives. For this reason I mainly stay or socialise at his house. He has never travelled to mine.

I have invited him to my house for the very first time. I suggested next Friday and that I would like to cook him dinner and for him to stay over, which he agreed to weeks ago.

He has now informed me that he has been invited to a work evening do that night and has said yes. He suggested that whilst he would like to go out with work, he would cancel it if I still wanted him to come over.

I’ve spent all week doing my house up and painting as it’s needed some tlc. I now feel so stupid for wasting all my time. His house is in the country and is massive, mine is a small town house. I was nervous about having him over as it’s meant a lot to me but now I’m ready to explode at how inconsiderate he has been.

Somebody please give me perspective

OP posts:
MsMotherOfDragons · 23/06/2018 21:42

He's done the right thing, and told you that he would cancel if it you want him to come still. If it means a lot to you, just tell him! He's obviously happy for that to happen.

Also -- enjoy your beautiful place for YOURSELF. Enjoy it being clean and freshly painted! It's definitely not a waste of time. Make the most of it! Smile

StarUtopia · 23/06/2018 21:46

I'm just really confused how you can be with someone for 18months and they've never been to your place?!

WerkSupp · 23/06/2018 21:57

He's a boyfriend who's never stayed at your house in 18 months. Just postpone it till next weekend, work on your house is hardly wasted.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 22:01

Why did you hold him at arms' length?

arethereanyleftatall · 23/06/2018 22:08

I don't think he's done much wrong tbh.

He wouldn't be aware of the effort you put in, and anyway it's a good thing to have done it.

He said he'd still come but would prefer to go to other thing. I actually like that kind of honesty.

pasanda · 23/06/2018 22:10

I don't think he's done much wrong tbh. Sure, the timing sucks, in that his do falls on the same night as him coming to yours but it's no more than that

Ohyesiam · 23/06/2018 22:10

I’m afraid Yabu for referring to yourself as myself.

QuoadUltra · 23/06/2018 22:13

Ohyesiam, totally.

BurpeesAreTheWorkOfTheDevil · 23/06/2018 22:17

I don't find it that strange that he hasn't been to your house. I'm carer to my son and I don't let people come into my house because it's his home and his space aswell and he wouldn't like people in it

FullMetalRabbit · 23/06/2018 22:17

The OP has said a number of times that she had an ill parent up to 2 months ago and that’s why he hasn’t been over

MirriVan · 23/06/2018 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 23/06/2018 22:20

He hadn’t done anything wrong. Just rearrange for another night. No big deal.

KickAssAngel · 23/06/2018 22:23

Does he generally let you down and postpone things you've planned together?

He may think that as you've been the one stalling on this you really won't be all that bothered and him coming to you a day or a week later is no big deal. If going out with work doesn't happen often I can see why he'd want to do that, then see you another day.

If he frequently puts you in second place then that's a different matter.

PencilPen · 23/06/2018 22:26

He probably didn’t realise how much it means to you. Speak to him. No need to get upset though.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 23/06/2018 22:29

Just rearrange, these things happen. If he keeps doing it then you'll know he's being a twat.

Earlybird · 23/06/2018 22:35

it would have been ideal if he'd told work straight away - without prompting from you - that he had a prior commitment and was unavailable for weekend socialising. Now, you risk looking demanding/inflexible if you ask him to miss the work event - even though he's offered to.

I'd guess that you have mostly just fit into his life up 'til now, so your relationship hasn't required him to compromise or consider your schedule much, if at all. The question is this: is it simply a new situation that he will readily (and happily) adapt to, or is he incapable of considering you in the way you'd like him to?

GabsAlot · 23/06/2018 22:41

why is he asking you to make the decision he should have just said he was busy to them not made you feel bad

Leeds2 · 23/06/2018 22:46

I would tell him that you would like him to cancel his work engagement, and come to stay with you. If he agrees, immediately, I would say ok, go to the work do. I don't mind. And rearrange for the next weekend.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/06/2018 03:21

I presume your house will still be standing after Friday? Just invite him over another time. I can't understand why you're so furious.

Shoxfordian · 24/06/2018 03:31

Yeah he should have just said he was busy to the work event; does he usually cancel on you and not do the thing he said he'd do first?

Barmypastrami · 24/06/2018 03:51

I agree with early bird and gabsalot. He really shouldn’t have arranged something at the time when he had previously arranged to do something with you. I’d be worried that he doesn’t prioritise you in the relationship. Some people can be absolutely lovely so long as they get their own way/don’t have to put themselves out at all.

Especially as this isn’t a regular thing he’s cancelling, this is the first time he’s ever come to yours.

SleepWarrior · 24/06/2018 04:02

All depends on whether he knew what a big deal this was to you.

If you've been keeping him at arm's length then I'd hazard a guess he has no idea how much this meant to you, nor all the behind the scenes prep going into his visit.

Maybe a text saying something like

"Thanks for your offer to cancel the work thing if i would like you to - that's depends, is it anything important? Obviously go if it it is. If not, I've been busy painting and prepping the house for your visit and it means a lot to me. I'd really love it if you were able to make it. "

So be honest as that leaves no room for crossed wires. If he still doesn't come and the work thing is just a low-key social then I'd be pretty miffed.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/06/2018 04:18

He suggested that whilst he would like to go out with work, he would cancel it if I still wanted him to come over.

It seems nice to ask you... but actually this kind of question is a trap. Say 'yes' and you're controlling. Say 'no' and you're a mug who gives permission to walk all over you.

A trap.

I'd answer, "if you want to break our plans at the last minute, that's your decision".

Elasticity · 24/06/2018 05:19

LTB!

Monty27 · 24/06/2018 05:31

Clearly it wasn't easy for him to come before because of your commitments. Now you expect him to cancel something.
Why does it have to be that specific night?
You do sound a little demanding.
There'll always be another opportunity for him to come over. What's the urgency now?