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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to occasionally be a bit jealous of people with on tap childcare?

71 replies

PhoenixRisen · 23/06/2018 20:36

My mum and my DH's parents and family all live abroad.

Everyone around us has siblings or parents who live locally to help over summer.

Don't worry, my kids won't be neglected, they're going into holiday camp the weeks we can't be with them (and DH and I have made sure one of us can be there 5 of 8 weeks holiday).

But it's times like this, when I struggle to work out how the fuck we cope during holidays and before school and after school, that I get a tiny tad jealous of people who have willing and able family or friends nearby.

(The flipside is I don't have to deal with any family fights or issues, and that is fricking awesome!!! They are all hundreds if not thousands of miles away)

OP posts:
SpacePenguin · 23/06/2018 22:56

We are one of those lucky ones with very generous family support, but we are very, very aware and appreciative of how lucky we are. We try to pay it forward as often as we can by helping out friends and family who don't have the same supports. Funnily enough, it can be a challenge to get them to accept.

Crunchymum · 23/06/2018 22:58

What crash OP?

converseandjeans · 23/06/2018 23:00

YANBU - we don't have grandparents on tap, but they collect from school one afternoon a week and will cover the rare sick day the kids have (maybe 2 - 3 a year max) We both teach so don't need holiday cover.

So many people on here are critical when people say they need some help from their parents. But times have changed and in families it is rare to have a SAHM there to do all school drop offs and ferry kids about to various after school activities.

The only thing you can do is offer out as many favours as you can manage - play dates, invite other kids on days out and so on - then you can perhaps ask nicely for the odd favour back.

NoisyOutside · 23/06/2018 23:03

Yanbu - I am as well. And what makes it worse is that those with on tap childcare don’t realise how lucky they are. If we had grandparents nearby (ours have passed away or are in a different country) we would have had more than one child. Plus I could have gone so much further in my career. And of course Dh and I could have had lots of ‘quality’ time with each other

missbehaving1000 · 23/06/2018 23:07

Im kind of with you OP....

Although I am going to go against the grain slightly and say I think you're already at an advantage to some parents by having a DH.

I'm a lone parent, and although I have family nearby who care for my DD during term time I pay them to do it. It's not a conventional set up I know, and there's a massive back story as to why but I am envious of ppl that have free family childcare. Wouldn't say I was jealous though... my set up has its perks, as does yours by the sound of it by not having to deal with the IL's! Grin

I've got many happy memories of going to play schemes etc as a kid whilst my parents worked, and I'm sure your kids will too.

I think they're lucky to be able to spend 5 weeks out of 8 with either of their patents tbh

sm40 · 23/06/2018 23:09

I don't have on tap childcare, however the grandparents (live in different country) will come and look after kids if very preorganised. So whilst we have the odd weekend away, there is no school pick up,free babysitting etc. Guess still doing well.
However one mum i know had on tap childcare. Grandparents took one/both of her kids out every day to the park.
These grandparents dared to go holiday. She moaned at me about what she would do with her kids every day. I laughed at her and told her how lucky she was, and best not to to moan at those in a less beneficial situation.

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/06/2018 23:12

My mum and Nan look after my DC a lot but that’s more of them offering, I don’t like to ask them and when they find out I turned something down they insist. Most of the time it’s just to go food shopping as it’s easier without the, sqabaling and me nearlY forgetting what I need. I’d be lost without my mum nearby tbh so I can’t 8magine how hard it is.

Stroller15 · 23/06/2018 23:13

YANBU. My parents and family are all abroad too and it can be tough. I am pregnant with our 2nd ds and I remember the anxiety I had with ds1 when he was a newborn and I couldn't just phone my mum to come help me - it was only us. If we're ill, busy with work etc it is still only us. But then I read this thread and realise there are many having to deal with this and even lone parents who I have the most respect for.

Good luck OP - you are not alone! And feeling jealous is normal!

DunesOfSand · 23/06/2018 23:24

Find another Mum in the same boat. Until we moved, the favours I could ask my friend who also had no local family were much bigger than the favours I could ask friends with local family. They just get it sometimes. And now i live in a shittehole, but everyone has moved away from family, and the support is emmense - we understand.

ElspethFlashman · 23/06/2018 23:42

YANBU.

The hardest thing is not even having anyone to tell. If your kid is sick, literally nobody cares (except DH, thank god I have him at least.)

But there's just nobody to tell, let alone anybody to offer to help out.

I don't really mind as I knew there'd be no family around. We haven't had a night out since the kids were born and a weekend away will have to wait years yet. But we drink a lot of wine at home and it's OK.

We have to bring the kids absolutely everywhere but when you have no option you just manage. It's shit when you're really really sick yourself and you're herding two kids around a doctors room whilst he tries to take bloods. I've had to have smear tests with them and everything. I had to get vaginal scar tissue burnt off with them in the room!

The thing that I find difficult is when people who have a lot of on tap help say things like "Yeah we're going away for the week just the two of us but we hardly ever get to go away" Like I don't know their life! Like I don't remember the weddings they've been able to attend child free, or the last minute babysitting cos they had really bad cramps, or going to Tenerife and bringing both grandmothers along to babysit so they could have some good laying around time at the poolside. That gives me a cats bum face. Don't downplay the freedom you have, it makes you sound like you think I'm stupid. Or worse, makes you sound like you actually believe it and have zero insight into how our circumstances differ.

The flipside is I don't have to deal with any family fights or issues, and that is fricking awesome!!!

This is a definite upside though. Undeniable.

EndOfEternity · 23/06/2018 23:46

YANBU! I lose patients with friends who have 2 or 3 kids who moan about having no time, despite having loads of GP support and them going to stay with GPs every other weekend.
We only have 1 child because we have no support at all. Our DC had health issues from then they were born which took years to improve, and so hardly slept for years. I had no option but to return to work (too outing to explain) when she was less than 1 Yr old. To be honest, it was so bad a couple of times we really didn’t think we could survive and may have to call SS to take DC. We gave up everything we could to afford nanny-type support so I could sleep during my days off. Luckily after some years, and treatment, DC got better.
The only unpaid support we got was a wonderful friend travelling hundreds of miles at weekends to give us a break.
Now family judge us for not taking DC to visit enough. Friends judge as the only night we’ve had to ourselves is when DC was in a recent residential. I want to tell them all to F**K RIGHT OFF! We have a wonderful DC and I feel guilty they’re an only child but there was no option.
Sorry for ranting but it still hurts.

EndOfEternity · 23/06/2018 23:47

*patience, not patients 🙂

Neweternal · 23/06/2018 23:47

Single parent since birth and worked full time, since birth child in nursery from six weeks . No support no help from DS father, my parents (they're dead) or exes family they haven't even met. I send my son to residential PGL camps in summer expensive but fantastic for a break. I actually look forward to the summer he has been going since he was 7, we have holidays together too. Now my son is 11 I just go to the shops and leave him. It's easier but it was so tough at the time and people are so judgemental when it's all on you and you trying your hardest. It's just a phase.

Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 23:53

its what you sign up to when you have kids

DeltaG · 23/06/2018 23:53

We live abroad, my family in one country and DH's in another. There is nobody except the two of us, but I'm not jealous of others. We chose to live here, in one of the nicest, safest, cleanest, richest places in the world, so not having fallback childcare is a small price to pay!

Ifonlyfor1day · 24/06/2018 00:17

Yes extremely jealous, plus I seem to help others out and have an extra DC here when I can.

Brunsdon1 · 24/06/2018 00:28

Yanbu I totally get other posters saying you should let it go and I honestly really try to...i do

But it's tough when people say " can't his grandparents or family have him?"

Erm no in our house....one set live two hours away and can't cope with two small DC, the other set live in Wales (about 200 miles away) and the third (blended family) is an asshat that I wouldn't trust with a goldfish

I know it's swings and roundabouts and God knows I wouldn't exactly enjoy my families interference on occasions

But just the odd time when the tummy bug hits us with the 48 hour childcare lockout just as the biggest meetings of the year coincide...it would be nice

I get it OP

Chocolate1984 · 24/06/2018 00:35

Im totally jealous. I have not had a child free day since February 2015.

runsoncaffeine · 24/06/2018 06:54

YANBU.

I too get incredibly jealous. Mine and DH's fathers are dead, my mum I in a care home and DH's mother wouldn't be able to cope. I have had 25 childfree days in 7 years - all have been due to being in hospital for various surgeries! DH and I haven't been on a date in 7 years. When I write that it makes me sad but I guess we chose to have children!

honeyishrunkthekid · 24/06/2018 06:58

Both the grandfathers are dead and MIL doesn't particularity like her son so never sees us and my mum works full time. It's hard! But we get by with help from friends. It does make all the difference.

FASH84 · 24/06/2018 07:07

YABU to be jealous, they might have what you perceive as support, but have you seen how many threads there are here about interfering or over involved GPs? You also don't know what goes on in other people's families, they might have difficulties in other areas. Also you chose to have children knowing you live far away from family, you knew the situation you were getting into you made your choice. As for PPs who won't send DCs on sleep overs because they don't want to host in return or won't use babysitters, those are all choices which are yours to make, but I don't see how you can then be jealous of people who've made different ones. We could've chosen to move away, housing, childcare and activities etc are expensive where we live, but we accept that because we chose to buy a house within 40 minutes of parents because we wanted to have family close at hand, and not just for childcare. You see some of the same people complaining about no babysitting saying don't give parents keys, why see them every week, why would you accommodate PILs, I can't stand my MIL etc. Family support comes with close family relationships which means give and take.

wheezing · 24/06/2018 07:12

I have no idea what we’ll do when school starts. We both work full time with 5 weeks holiday a year and I’d like to overlap at least a few weeks of course. Both sets of parents are hours and hours away at other ends of the country and siblings are younger/useless.
I guess it’s a cross that bridge when we come to it problem but still...

It would be nice to have family come round occasionally I think, not even to officially babysit but to play with and supervise DC whilst I have a calm cup of tea or get on with some jobs.

ElspethFlashman · 24/06/2018 07:13

Fash some of us don't have distant family, we have DEAD family. So cool it with the "choices" talk, it's a bit patronising.

PinguForPresident · 24/06/2018 07:14

Agreed OP. We have no family support and it's bloody exhausting.

The PIL looked after the kids once - so we could go out for my 40th birthday. That's the only night out we've had together in nearly 10 years. Babysitters aren't an option due to cost (I retrained a few years ago, so our family income took a huge hit and it'll take forever to get back on our feet. as midwives don't earn much!) , and we use all our favours from friends to cover the occasional evening when I'm working a shift and my husband can't swing a WFH day.

My perfectly capable parents have never looked after my children for even 5 minutes. Which is their prerogative, but a little upsetting when my grandmother provided free wrap-around childcare and babysitting for them when we were kids. it's sad that my parents aren't prepared to pay forward even a tiny percentage of the help they had.

speakout · 24/06/2018 07:15

Not really.

I have no family childcare.

The lack of it forced me into a position where I had to work out ways of earning money from home.
It's been a great opportunity.

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