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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to occasionally be a bit jealous of people with on tap childcare?

71 replies

PhoenixRisen · 23/06/2018 20:36

My mum and my DH's parents and family all live abroad.

Everyone around us has siblings or parents who live locally to help over summer.

Don't worry, my kids won't be neglected, they're going into holiday camp the weeks we can't be with them (and DH and I have made sure one of us can be there 5 of 8 weeks holiday).

But it's times like this, when I struggle to work out how the fuck we cope during holidays and before school and after school, that I get a tiny tad jealous of people who have willing and able family or friends nearby.

(The flipside is I don't have to deal with any family fights or issues, and that is fricking awesome!!! They are all hundreds if not thousands of miles away)

OP posts:
divadee · 23/06/2018 20:51

I totally understand. We have no one for childcare here and I have got a term time job to cover it now. It means it's very tight financially but we don't have to worry about finding childcare.

Could you manage a term time only role?

Outbackshack · 23/06/2018 20:53

Yep no family support here either. Have a friend with 3 sets of grandparents on call for any pick ups, late nights, weekends etc and i do get jealous. Ds1 is 5 and we have had maybe 2 nights out as a couple since he was born...that is a regular week for her. Hard not to feel a little jealous

thereinmadnesslies · 23/06/2018 20:56

Yep it’s rubbish. My parents and DH’s dad are dead, DH’s mum is in a care home. One couple we know have a child free weekend away twice a year; we’ve not been away as a couple since the DC arrived and we get about 2 nights out per year.

Scrumptiousbears · 23/06/2018 21:02

I agree. I know someone whose mum child minds for her, cooks, cleans everything. She works but doesn't have to lift a finger at home. I struggle to keep my house tidy let alone anything else.

JennyOnAPlate · 23/06/2018 21:04

Yes. Massively insanely jealous at times.

Cornettoninja · 23/06/2018 21:05

does secret handshake

Yup I hear you. Zilch here too. And dd is a bad sleeper so no way could I inflict that on a babysitter or her.

I’m kind of resigned to it now tbh. I knew what I was signing up for. The only thing making it hard is dp’s inability to see the difference in our lives compared to others. That’s having a worse impact on our relationship then anything else parenting has thrown up tbh. Some people in particular can’t seem to hide their judginess over my failings as a mother not having evenings out or weekends away and raising a socially deprived child

I’d love to send dd to stop with my mother overnight - think the cemetery might call the authorities though Wink

Thehop · 23/06/2018 21:06

Yup, I feel like this.

My do is in the same village so pesters is constantly but won’t babysit 😍

BangingOn · 23/06/2018 21:10

I am very jealous too. Some friends have two sets of grandparents on tap for weekly babysitting, taking care of every single day of the school holidays, after school pick up etc.

I don’t want to be ungrateful for what my parents do as they are wonderfully supportive but 200 miles away. When they come to stay it’s amazing, but that’s only a couple of times a year. I really do appreciate having them though, as I know many people have less.

digestivebiscuitfan · 23/06/2018 21:14

Yanbu

I'm the same. Love my dd but have no support. Which is fine. But people who judge me for not working when they have grandparents doing pick ups and drop offs at school several times a week and who tell me they're off for the weekend without the kids etc can bite me!

keepingbees · 23/06/2018 21:16

Yanbu.
2 sets of able bodied grandparents here and neither will help out ever. It's hard seeing others getting help, and heartbreaking when my kids see their friends getting picked up by grandparents, taken out, sleepovers etc Sad

If I ever have grandchildren I can't imagine not being involved and helping out.

ReadySteadyGoooo · 23/06/2018 21:24

YANBU. I live abroad so we have no family around. We've never had anyone babysit for free. It's so hard. I am super jealous of people who have family around, partly for the free childcare, but also because I am so sad that my dc don't get to spend time with their grandparents.

Original poster
PhoenixRisen · 23/06/2018 21:25

I can't imagine not being involved in my grandchildren's lives either but, distance notwithstanding, my girls' very able grandparents don't make the effort.

We have a babysitter but since she went to uni she isn't as available. I'm happy to palm one kid off on a friend for a sleepover but not both, and I am wary of having to return the favour (not good with other people's kids and loathe sleepovers).

I suppose I should have thought about all this before having them but I didn't realise how uninvolved the grandparents would be. And I have to say that financially I wasn't expecting to be working, but then the crash happened.

I am blessed in that I have a good and very flexible job. I can work from home, make up lost hours at weekends etc (which I know is so much better than most, so I should stop whining).

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRisen · 23/06/2018 21:28

Another mum PM'd me this evening asking me to look after one of her kids one afternoon during the holidays. I said, sure! No problem.

She offered to pay me in wine. Lovely, of course. But if I ever ask other mums they always have a reason not to. (My kids are pretty good with other people).

OP posts:
Picklepickle123 · 23/06/2018 21:29

I feel your pain OP! We don't have anyone either. No last minute offers to take them to the park for a few hours or a cheeky sleepover. No respite if they're really not sleeping and you just need a few hours kip. Thousands spent on childcare. I know I signed up for this life, but it does make me a little bitter.

jarhead123 · 23/06/2018 21:31

Totally agree!

We only have my Mum, who works full time.

I have a friend who has both sets of parents, step parents, siblings etc all local and wanting to help. So envious!

LiteraryDevil1 · 23/06/2018 22:24

@digestivebiscuitfan they can bite me too! I'm not working and feel guilty for claiming benefits but what you have said has made me rethink. Most of the mums I know at school who are working full time have grandparents doing the school run several days a week. One mum has her kids looked after by their grandparents 1-2 nights every week so they can go to work and have a lie in at the weekend. Others go away for whole weekends leaving the kids with grandparents. If I'm lucky my mum will pick up the kids once a month on average if I'm unwell or one is off school poorly or the weather is appalling but it's rare. I imagine grandparents are doing all this for free so no childcare costs.
If I worked full time my kids would be at a childminders or school club before and after school, possibly both, and I'd barely see them. I didn't have them to barely see them, with all the associated guilt. Most of those mums aren't single mums either. They have a partner to share the parenting with. When they complain about how hard it is I just nod and smile whilst thinking you have no fucking idea. I did work before dc3 came along and it was much easier. But I had a husband then and going to work was a rest which I sometimes dearly miss!

themooon · 23/06/2018 22:30

the answer to your question is yabu jealousy is always bad. other people cirumstances have no effect on yours.

NukaColaGirl · 23/06/2018 22:32

My elder DDs have amazing Grandparents on their Dads side.

My Dad is good - he takes my toddler when my elder are with their Dad - toddler only has me, her Dad and family are absent through their own choice. But that only started this year due to me starting Uni and being slammed left right and centre with sick bugs, chicken pox, shingles, ear infections you name it we’ve bloody had it. Aside from those ten days this year, I’ve had toddler DD every day and night since she was born. Reflux colic allergies, it’s been a hard slog and it’s taken a huge toll on my mental heath and physical health actually as I’ve had more illness in the last 2 years than I’ve had my entirely life prior.

elliejjtiny · 23/06/2018 22:39

Yanbu.

I have pil who will sometimes (2 or 3 times a year) have my older (easier) dc to stay when the timings suit them rather than me and dh. And once they looked after my younger 2 so we could take the older ones for a very special day out. So I'm luckier than lots of people. But it's been over a year since dh and I went out without dc and our job options are limited because our 10 year old can't go to breakfast club, after school club or holiday club because of his SN.

RedForFilth · 23/06/2018 22:41

You have to try and learn to let go of those feelings. I'm a single parent and have no help, can't force my ex to spend time with his son. So I take every single emotional and financial hit alone. Childcare on top of usual rent and bills etc out of a single wage is very expensive.

MoreProsecco · 23/06/2018 22:45

So jealous here too!

We've really struggled financially due to the cost of childcare, and I've gone p/t as DC1 born with health issues.

Have 1-2 nights out a year, can't afford paid babysitters.

Those who have better support seem able to work more hours & have more money for couple-time - it certainly makes life easier.

Zintox · 23/06/2018 22:47

Yep me too.

My friend is a single mum but her ex mil lives in the next street and has the kids all the time. I roll my eyes when she says it's hard. Not as hard as being without any support is! She's so lucky.

Tiggerzz · 23/06/2018 22:52

YANBU. My mil was going to do childcare 2 days a week, £35 a day (cheaper than local nursery) but flaked after I'd been in my new job 1 week because she wanted 'to be a proper grandma' Hmm
DH takes DD there about once a month, max two hours, it's always really stressful as she doesn't seem to like guests... One time during one of these visits DH needed to grab something from the nearest Tesco, about 5 mins away, and mil made him take DD with him.

IGiorni · 23/06/2018 22:52

YANBU. We’re very lucky that my ILs will babysit whenever we want (within reason). We do pay for childcare and I have a term time job which meant I had to take a pay cut so it’s not exactly on tap but we’d be lost without them. I really feel for people who have no support network as childcare and babysitters can be expensive.

Doyoumind · 23/06/2018 22:56

Zintox as a single mum myself I don't think you really have an idea. When there is just one of you even if you need to pop to the corner shop at night you need to organise someone to babysit.

I do have some family help now but had a period of time when I had no one anywhere nearby and had DC every day and night of the week. I never went out, and by that I mean I didn't even step out of the house ever between 6pm and 8am.