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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have an online friend who ìs male?

76 replies

mademybed123 · 23/06/2018 20:20

Have recently met someone online and we chat. Everyday. About lots of random things. He's overseas and younger but I do really enjoy talking to him.

Anyone else have a similar friendship online?

OP posts:
Original poster
mademybed123 · 23/06/2018 21:35

we often talk when DH is asleep or I'm away from home, so it doesn't impact much.

OP posts:
MyNameIsNotSteven · 23/06/2018 21:44

You ask about innuendo / flirting OP. Is this what's happening in your online relationship? Sounds like an emotional affair.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 23/06/2018 21:47

he has other women he talks to online, I also talk to one and know of another. I don't know for sure, but I suspect our conversations are little closer to the line than theirs are, due to our similar sense of humour.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 23/06/2018 21:47

Again, why conceal? You're not being open and honest with your husband. Why not? Be honest here. You have contact around times when your DH is asleep or you are away. Deal breaker territory imo.

Tistheseason17 · 23/06/2018 21:49

Well, would you like your DH behaving like this about you? Or is this a reverse?

As PP said, if you have to ask you know YABU.

Bereft??? Wtaf.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 21:49

Would you be happy with your husband reading your messages to and from this guy? If not, there's your answer.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 23/06/2018 22:06

some yes, some .....they might be a little flirty sounding. There is no romantic intent though, we will never meet in real life.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 22:38

You know what, if my husband was writing flirty stuff to a woman - wherever she was - for several hours a day, I would leave. It's an emotional affair. I know it's easily done, but surely you can see you will end up without a relationship with your husband?

themooon · 23/06/2018 22:43

ynbu you are allowed to talk to whom ever you like cant believe some people want you to tell your partner. ps there is no such thing as an emotional affair its called being friends

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 23/06/2018 22:59

Knock yourself out op. What do you want from this thread? I don’t think it is right if you would be bereft from not talking him. You are living in grade A fantasy land. He is a guy who you will never meet. Who probably does not present as you imagine. So it begs the question why bother?

HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 23:02

@themoon, she is flirting with another man for several hours a day. Would you be happy with your husband flirting with another woman for several hours a day?

themooon · 23/06/2018 23:04

Knock yourself out op. What do you want from this thread? I don’t think it is right if you would be bereft from not talking him. You are living in grade A fantasy land. He is a guy who you will never meet. Who probably does not present as you imagine. So it begs the question why bother? theres a difference between being not right/ unhealthy than being unreasonable

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2018 23:10

No themoon, it’s not a friendship when you’re doing something you wouldn’t want your spouse or partner to know. That’s infidelity. It’s an emotional affair and deeply damaging to a marriage. Intimate confidences from close friends aside eg a female friend’s medical stuff or marital issues, I don’t say anything to anyone I’d be afraid for my husband to know about and I’d be very unhappy if he did it.

Trust and open communication are the foundations of a healthy happy relationship and investing time and energy in someone you’d be bereft to lose regular touch with like OP is doing, no less while her husband is at work or asleep, is taking something precious away from her husband and their marriage.

themooon · 23/06/2018 23:22

It’s an emotional affair and deeply damaging to a marriage. Intimate confidences from close friends aside eg a female friend’s medical stuff or marital issues, I don’t say anything to anyone I’d be afraid for my husband to know about and I’d be very unhappy if he did it. thats not a healthy paragraph your dh should trust you enough to talk to whomever you like about whatever you like

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 23/06/2018 23:24

If your dh stayed up chatting to a woman instead of cuddled up to you would that be fine with you??
I would dump my dh tbh.

Tistheseason17 · 23/06/2018 23:37

@themooon

OP says the texts can be flirty.

I don't flirt with my male friends. That's not a normal "friendship" behaviour.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 23/06/2018 23:40

Just no.

Younger. Overseas. Male. Every day. Your DH does not know what you talk about. Often at night?!! Charming. Poor DH.

I’m not even sure you are real?! You could be winding everyone here up!

SleepingStandingUp · 23/06/2018 23:56

They don't know the full details of what we talk about
Well I don't recount every conversation I have to DH so I don't think that in and of itself is a problem. But is there anything you talk about that you couldn't tell DH other than to protect your friends privacy?

If you had two hours free tomorrow to spend woth DH or chatting to friend, what would you choose?.

How do you feel if you go more than a day without talking to him?

Thehop · 23/06/2018 23:58

I would ask yourself if you’d be happy with your husband reading your messages. There’s your answer really.

NT53NJT · 24/06/2018 00:14

When I was younger I met a fair few people online , unsure how really there was an online snooker game with chat room (game desire I seem to recall) and I still talk to a few people 10+ years later. A few male and a few female, don't talk every single day like you but we all follow each other on social media and leave the occasional good will message then have a quick chat about how life is going. Doesn't distract from RL relationships at all. OH thinks it's weird but when I was younger I had a massive online presence with the beginning of the internet etc

LMDC · 24/06/2018 00:20

I second @TheHop

Original poster
mademybed123 · 24/06/2018 08:58

Sorry this isn't a reverse and I do exist.

In some ways I'm hiding it in plain sight, my DH knows we chat but not how often or the range of things.

I had no intention for this to start, we met through Twitter. I suppose I have no idea how it will end...probably just peter out as some friendships do.

OP posts:
busybarbara · 24/06/2018 09:18

This is an emotional affair, you shouldn't be talking at length to other men once you're married unless it's for work or a family member, it's in the vows.

Original poster
mademybed123 · 24/06/2018 09:35

What????
That sounds medieval.... no conversations with men other than work or family? No male friends at all? Hobbies?

Er..... no

OP posts:
DramaQueenofHighCs · 24/06/2018 09:51

OP yes I do sometimes flirt with my online friends, DH knows this. I guess, to be a little fair, my situation is slightly different in that I recently 'came out' as polyamorous, although these guys to me are just friends. My DH knows about the flirting and is free to read any of our conversations if he wishes to. If he was ever unhappy with the level of conversation then it would be toned down or even stop if it had to. I am meeting my friend alone (in public) but DH can change his mind and come along too if he wants to or even tell me to cancel and i will. I'd be upset, very upset, but I'd do it because DH comes first. Would you be prepared to cut contact if your DH asked? (Whether you'd be upset or not is another matter, would you be prepared to cut contact?)

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, as others have said, is there anything you wouldnt show your DH? If he were to be awake/around and try to look over your shoulder would you have to try to hide the conversation from him? If the answer is "yes" then you may need to pull back a little.

I met mine through a music app btw.