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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask 'MIL' to not smoke in her house?

50 replies

DD2017 · 23/06/2018 14:48

DD's dad lives with his mum and I'm due back to work in a couple of months. If I work weekends he'll have her during the day (he'll also be taking her overnight shortly - we have no need for an arrangement as he can see her whenever he wants to).
I've already said I'm not keen on her spending more than an hour or so in the house as his mum smokes in the house. (He's just moving back in). Says he doesn't want to lay down the law to her in her own home and doesn't see the problem with having her there if they don't smoke while she's in.
AIBU to think this is outrageous he'd rather not upset his mum and put his daughters life at risk and doesn't see the issue here?
I've asked if he'd watch her at my house and welcome to bring his mum through and he thinks I'm being unreasonable and over protective.
Does anyone have any facts and figures to back up either case or good articles to direct either him or myself to which states it's safe or not and at what age?
As far as I know it's a major cause of infant death and could do with some evidence before I go catatonic or something to ease my mind she'd be ok. Help please!

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 23/06/2018 14:53

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/smoking/

Lullaby trust say smoking in the home linked to 60% of deaths from SIDS

NomNomNomNom · 23/06/2018 14:55

YANBU in your solution to have DD at your house. I wouldn't want a child exposed to smoke for a significant portion of the day. Even being around adults who have been smoking (e.g. outside in the garden) has significant health issues.

FinallyHere · 23/06/2018 14:56

Indeed, there is a lot of research available on second hand smoke

A school friend is suffering quite badly, we all feel v v sorry for her. Hope you can get your family to see sense on this point

Babynut1 · 23/06/2018 15:08

My children have never been to mils house as she smokes in the house.
I will never allow my children to go there. Mil often comes here ar we all congregate in dh’s Nans house (they only live a few doors away from each other)
I doubt much harm will come from being in a house that’s been smoked in but I never ever want my children exposed to it, I never ever want them to smell of smoke.
my Sister used to smoke in her car with a spare car seat in there. One day she brought Ds Home from my mothers and his hair stank of stale smoke. It was disgusting.

YANBU

ParentInCharge · 23/06/2018 15:12

I grew up in a smoking household. Both parents heavy smoker. It didn't do me any harm at all.

LUCKILY!

Now we know better. It's bloody ridiculous to think smoking around babies or indoors where babies will be is anything near okay.

My neighbour's were really angry at their DIL who got annoyed at granny nipping off for a fag in the bathroom when DIL was visiting with her 2 day old baby. I had to tell neighbour (the gran) that I actually agreed with the DIL. The bathroom is next to the back door. It was fair weather. The smoking in the bathroom was a childish act of defiance when she could have easily stepped outside.

I'm an ex-smoker. I enjoyed it. I'm not even anti smoking but it's really not necessary to smoke indoors when there's a baby around. Just pop outside. It's not much of an inconvenience.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 23/06/2018 15:12

This situation is actually one of the reasons my friend won’t split up with her husband because her kids will spend the entire weekend in a smoke filled house.

YANBU

PinkAvocado · 23/06/2018 15:15

I never took my children to my own parents’ houses when they smoked. Happy to now they don’t. If I went round, even if they did not smoke whilst I was there, I’d leave smelling of it. They both understood although couldn’t smell it themselves. Interestingly, now they don’t smoke they both can smell it in an old chair that moved from the old house to a new one.

The lullaby trust is the best info to go on.

JumbleJamba · 23/06/2018 15:17

People who insist on smoking around children are selfish cunts and unfit parents.

Pengggwn · 23/06/2018 15:21

You are right that it's awful that she smiles around your DD. He is right that it is unreasonable to ask her not to do it - it's her house.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/06/2018 15:22

Third-hand smoke is a thing.

Get him to watch this (scroll about halfway down)

NameChange30 · 23/06/2018 15:23

You can’t ask MIL not to smoke in her own house, but you can tell DD’s father (your ex?) that you don’t want DD going to her house at all. Not even for an hour. You need a clear rule, and they are obviously the type to turn an hour into two hours, and then some.

Your ex can see DD at your house until he gets his own place.

And I suggest you look into proper childcare, you shouldn’t be relying on him if you can’t trust him to keep DD out of a smoke-filled environment.

Storm4star · 23/06/2018 15:26

Ultimately there are whole generations of children who grew up around smokers. Smoke in the home, smoke in restaurants, cars, trains the lot. It's kind of strange to me that people seem to just "forget" that we didn't all drop dead in those days! I just want to put that out that first, because everyone else is giving you all these statistics to make you even more frightened! You will have enough of those posts so I don't see it necessary to add to them.

You are in a difficult situation. Does DDs dad smoke? You said "they" in your original post. As far as I'm aware, currently, there is no law that states you can't smoke in the house around children. Therefore you're not going to be able to "demand" anything other this. It sounds like you and he get on ok, so I would sit down calmly with him. Tell him that you know he thinks it's ok but could he please compromise with you on this issue.

The thing is, if he is a smoker, and especially if he was brought up in a smoking household, it will be hard to convince him with "evidence". I believe the effects of second hand smoke are over exaggerated already and now they talk about third hand smoke? Sorry, that's just ridiculous IMO. I'm not saying that to be goady or for people to try and convince me otherwise. I'm saying it to build up a picture of what you might be up against.

Storm4star · 23/06/2018 15:28

Your ex can see DD at your house until he gets his own place

I think OP would be hard pushed to get that enforced in Court if it came to it.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 23/06/2018 15:30

As a dc my dm +dgm smoked around me.
Diagnosed asthmatic at 27.
Took it's time but there you go!!
I stopped my dc sleeping over when they stunk of smoke.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/06/2018 15:32

Storm4star, no, we 'didn't all drop dead' Hmm, but many babies died of SIDS or pneumonia or asthma attacks or bronchiolitis that might have been preventable had they not been exposed to smoke. Second-hand smoke exposure is also a risk factor in meningococcal disease. Then there is all the childhood asthma and other conditions that didn't cause death, but much misery. And still does.

We know better these days. Thank goodness.

BananaHarvest · 23/06/2018 15:32

I’m afraid he has an equal say as a parent and it’s entirely up to him where he cares for his child. That said you are being perfectly reasonable for not wanting your child exposed to smoke.

Have you separated from your partner or were you never living together because you hadn’t appropriate accommodation? Could you not try and find somewhere that allows you to live together as a family? Would grandparents help?

NameChange30 · 23/06/2018 15:32

So what? They’re not going to court are they?

They could try mediation if necessary and reach some kind of compromise.

BUT meanwhile OP’s position is not unreasonable.

NameChange30 · 23/06/2018 15:32

Cross posts, I was replying to Storm4star

Storm4star · 23/06/2018 15:34

Yes Emma, that's what I said in my post, talk to him and find a compromise.

I didn't say OPs being unreasonable. She is perfectly entitled to feel how she does. Not unreasonable at all. But I don't think issuing ultimatums is necessarily the best way forward.

WerkSupp · 23/06/2018 15:41

You can't control how people behave in their own homes. YABU.

NameChange30 · 23/06/2018 15:56

I don’t give a shit whether ultimatums are not “the best way forward”, if this was my child I would make my position clear, I do not consent to my child regularly being in a smoke-filled house. If he has a problem with that he can arrange mediation himself.

marymoosmum · 23/06/2018 16:16

I grew up in a house of smokers, both of my parents smoked and I am still here to tell the tail. I think for a weekend it would be fine, just say nicely, I know it is your house but can you please not smoke around my daughter when she is there. My mum still smokes and we are at hers a lot with my 2 DC.

Gottagetmoving · 23/06/2018 16:36

I also grew up in a home where both parents were very heavy smokers. It wasn't seen as a problem then and many of my friends parents were the same.
I am in my sixties and fitter and healthier than most of my peers, as are my siblings...BUT I don't think children should have to grow up in a house of smokers. The chances are no harm would be done but it's a gamble you shouldn't take.
If grandparents want their grandchildren to visit or stay over they should never inflict a smoke filled atmosphere on them.
YANBU at all to refuse for your child to be subjected to it.
No judge would order a child HAS to visit a home where the grandparents smoke surely?

mindutopia · 23/06/2018 16:40

Nope, no way in hell I’d be okay with that set up, period. I stayed with my grandparents during the day while my mum worked who smoked in the house but not when I was there (supposedly). As a baby, I ended up in hospital with pneumonia and nearly died only a month after they started to watch me (they were lovely btw and the best thing about my whole childhood but back in the early 80s no one stressed about second hand smoke). I now have asthma and was hospitalised with pneumonia again a few years ago and it was hell. All probably because of that early exposure.

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