To ask 'MIL' to not smoke in her house?

[DD2017]

DD's dad lives with his mum and I'm due back to work in a couple of months. If I work weekends he'll have her during the day (he'll also be taking her overnight shortly - we have no need for an arrangement as he can see her whenever he wants to).
I've already said I'm not keen on her spending more than an hour or so in the house as his mum smokes in the house. (He's just moving back in). Says he doesn't want to lay down the law to her in her own home and doesn't see the problem with having her there if they don't smoke while she's in.
AIBU to think this is outrageous he'd rather not upset his mum and put his daughters life at risk and doesn't see the issue here?
I've asked if he'd watch her at my house and welcome to bring his mum through and he thinks I'm being unreasonable and over protective.
Does anyone have any facts and figures to back up either case or good articles to direct either him or myself to which states it's safe or not and at what age?
As far as I know it's a major cause of infant death and could do with some evidence before I go catatonic or something to ease my mind she'd be ok. Help please!

Thanks all and @AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight that's exactly what I was looking for. Just a bit of info for education rather than thinking I'm being over protective. We were never together and are the best of friends; we tried living together and get on great but it's not working out financially. This is the only issue we have. They wouldn't smoke in the house when she was there but I feel it's still harmful to her with chemicals floating around. She's more than welcome in my home but I especially don't want her staying over even if they're not smoking whilst she's there if doing so when she's not.
I had pneumonia as a child and most friends I know who's parents smoked in or out of the house have asthma.
I too am a smoker (quitting this week!) and tie my hair back and change my clothing before touching DD again. I could easily be seen as a hypocrite but not budging on this as it's DD's health and potentially her life at stake. Could amount to nothing or she could become a statistic and why chance that when you can step outside?
I think he doesn't see all the dangers of it and doesn't want to put his mum out (he's always lived with her and not intending to get own place). I don't think it's occurred to her it would be a risk as she dotes on DD. It just worries me if she's out a walk or something she'd be happy to smoke with the buggy too as would be outside.
I do think it would be unreasonable to demand she smokes outside but NU to ask.
My cat is also going to live with them as he's too predatory for when she starts crawling and I can't give him the attention he deserves anymore... poor thing would also have lungs full

Even smoking outside isn't great. Smoke stays on clothes/hair for 6hrs after a cigarette unfortunately.

If they both smoke outside and keep the room she sleeps in and plays in smoke free I think there is very little danger. Presumably she isn’t a few months old?

9 months

So you've been smoking for her whole life so far, only quitting when you want to ask someone else not to do it?

You would be reasonable to refuse her to go to any smoking household. It's too dangerous and gross as well.

It's kind of strange to me that people seem to just "forget" that we didn't all drop dead in those days!

Well you don’t drop dead straight away. You just have a much higher risk of bronchitis, asthma, childhood leukaemias, all cancers generally, all respiratory issues generally and cardiovascular problems.

And cot death. It’s not a great idea to smoke around kids. Smoking directly round them is dangerous. Second hand smoke is dangerous and so is third hand - cats who live in smoking households get more feline leukaemia as they lick toxic products off their fur while washing.

You can’t stop her smoking in her own home OP, but you can try to make sure dd doesn’t go there.

Increases the risk of cot death by 840 times! It’s on the lullaby trust website.
It’s no good them not smoking when she isn’t there. It needs to be a smoke free house and they need to have clothes kept in a smoke free house to put on when they care for her really. And wash hair and clean teeth. Even then the chemicals are in your lungs which you breath out.

@LivingMyBestLife
Yes you're correct... but more so because now I realise the danger of it all

I'm confused... you've smoked for the past 9mths of your child's life, and you're off loading your cat on to them. But you've decided you don't want your baby around smoking (second hand) or around the cat.... Sounds like the situation at GM house won't be any different to your own home now? Except you're expecting her to provide childcare and not do exactly the same as yourself 🤔

Your arguement fails because you are still a smoker and who knows if you really will stop this week.

Your house is already full of the same chemicals and you've put your daughter at serious risk. Badly done.

Op, you need to quit smoking first before telling MIL or DP not to smoke in their own home.

Once you have quit for good, then you can say, but you can’t dictate what DP does as he has equal rights to you. He is allowed to decide things too.

I suggest you talk to DP about how you both want to raise a child as it only gets harder and more complicated as they grow!

What support do you have to quit?

@FlyingMonkeys the cat is not being 'off-loaded' - he's going for a better quality of life with a big garden and much more attention than I can give him - and not to pounce on DD whilst she finds her feet as she'll spend most time here - we've joked about visitation for the cat after he nearly pounced on a friend's baby who was crawling
GM will not be providing any childcare services as this will be between myself and DD's dad. She will however be looking forward to spending time with DD.

You are right in that I'm somewhat of a hypocrite but continuing to smoke in an enclosed space is slightly different to realising that changing clothes and smoking outside is not enough to negate the danger.

Anyhoo.. I think it unreasonable to expect she stops in the house but would you think it unreasonable to ask?

Thanks @user1498854363
Yes we absolutely have equal rights and he's even retained a key to my house so he can literally see her whenever he likes. We've discussed everything and will continue to do so.
This however I feel is worth that she is looked after here or outside of the smokey home whether I'm a hypocrite or not and DGM is more than welcome.
I hadn't thought of support to quit... I've seen an advert on tv about chat online so think this will be my route. Thanks

Changing clothes before touching your DD again makes no difference.

You cannot ask them to stop smoking when you do.

Also if you are serious about quitting you should try champix tablets. I know someone who recently stopped with the help of these and I'm honestly shocked they have done so. If it stops them then they must be some sort of miracle pill!

I’m confused.
Did you stop smoking when you were pregnant?
If so did you start smoking again after she was born?

I can see that there is a difference between smoking inside v outside the house, because it’s slightly better to smoke outside, but overall the impact of parents who smoke (even if it is outside) is going to be much greater than the impact of her being in a smoky house from time to time.

You are doing the right thing to stop smoking but I think you’re fighting a losing battle with your DD’s Dad, if he smokes, and MIL... you could ask them not to smoke inside when she is at their house but a. they might say no or might say yes but do it anyway b. Even if they smoke outside when she’s there, smoking inside when she’s not there means the house will smell of smoke, there will be smoke absorbed in the soft furnishings etc

I stand by what I said earlier which is that you need to make sure you have rock solid childcare and I’m not sure your ex looking after her at MIL’s house is it

Let's turn this around now and ask how you would have felt if your 'MIL' asked you not to smoke because of the risk to your baby, despite being a smoker yourself?

I'm wondering if this is true now - it seems so strange to not see anything wrong with you smoking and having a cat, but it's not on for anyone else (even if they have to take your cat!). If it is true, have you spoken to your HV about your concerns?

Your GP surgery is likely to provide a smoking cessation clinic - Champix is linked to triggering MH issues so I'd read up and discuss that very in-depth if you elect to go down that route as suggested by pp.

You should not want anyone smoking around your child or holding your child directly after, so YANBU, I think it's great you have quit now ( if a little late ), and that's what you need to concentrate on, not the fact you did smoke to start with.
I used to smoke until I found out I was pregnant, then quit. Whilst pregnant and on holiday with the in laws, i explained that "Zebadee (nickname for DS when he was bump)" wouldn't be coming to their house that often as she smokes and if we were coming would she not smoke in the house a few hours before and during our visit.
Due to all the information we have available to us now, she completely understood and respected my decision and consequently quit smoking herself upon landing in the uk. Your MIl should do the same, there is enough info available.

I used to complain to my own mother for smoking in my house while DS a baby is there in cot, her reply was "so you'll be looking for another babysitter then?". I really needed her help and I couldn't call the shots.

Sorry op but with you as a smoker, I don't think you are in a position to make demands here.

Ah the irony, smoker asks MIL not to smoke! Sorry OP but this has given me a little chuckle.

Yes I quit whilst pregnant and stupidly started again with 'just the one'
Tried champix years ago and triggered something to say the least.
@LivingMyBestLife you've hit the nail on the head!
Thank you MNs you have been my support... last unopened packet now in the bin and I'm off to bed as a non smoker!
Tomorrow morning I'll stand out the front door instead of the back and breathe in the fresh air with DD for 5 minutes. After that I'll probably raid the fridge and eat all the chocolate I can find haha.

I assume you didn’t smoke while pregnant so why did you start again?

My FIL smokes in his house. I have never taken DS there and don’t go myself anymore as I have to shower and change my clothes straight away or I feel sick.