To feel so scared re TWINS

[shockedstarling]

Just found out I am carrying twins. They are in the same sac so likely identical. I’m 8 and half weeks.

Only my partner and mum know and both were so excited. But I just can’t see it as good news. I know I should because so far both are healthy but it’s my first pregnancy and I just don’t know if can do this two babies at once. How will we even afford it, let alone how will I manage to care for two at once like that. That said I don’t know if I can go through the alternative either.

Feel stuck, shocked, panicked, so many emotions.

Have anyone of you been through the same thing? Please give me your advice and words of wisdom because I just feel so out of my depth right now.

OP I've not had twins so hopefully someone who has can come along with some practical advice.

You've got every right to be shocked and scared, I would too in your position. Talk to your DM and DP about your feelings and hopefully they can reassure you a bit.

shorten your maternity and have shared parental leave?

I have twins. They're 23. I had no experience with babies at all.

Take whatever help you want to take. Don't buy expensive crap that you won't need.

YANBU to feel overwhelmed, it’s massive news! My twins are 8 months old and currently killing themselves laughing entertaining one another on the floor as I type this though, so there are some perks to two at once!

My best advice would be to join one of the very popular (closed) twin mum FB groups where you can chat to hundreds of twin mums in private and get a really broad range of perspectives from mums of all backgrounds. “Twin Mums in the UK” is a good one to search for.

TAMBA has fabulous resources too and I read a lot of books whilst pregnant but my fave was “It’s Twins, now what?” which covers a lot in a non-scary way.

There’s a lot to be said for twins being your first as you just won’t know any different. This would just be “normal motherhood” to you. Twins are hard, but that’s because babies are hard. It’s not “twice as hard” though if that makes sense? I have found my two easier than some friends have found their Singleton. Everyone is different.

I found the pregnancy particularly hard but I have honestly loved having my boys.

Take a deep breath the fear is completely normal and will probably last for a while. I can highly recommend talking to your partner and midwife so your worries don't build up.

Twins are terrifying and hard work but I don't know what I'd do without mine. I was in the same boat as a first time mum, but see the positive that you won't know any different.

Twins are expensive but you can sign up for Tamba and that gets you discount in places.
You learn to manage what you need and it will all fall into place.

The day to day life is tiring but so is having one baby. You just need a good support system. My partner is amazing and pulls his weight and my mum comes to help when she can. If you get a support group in place it helps.

NCT do a multiples session and a lot of hospitals also offer multiples classes. I would recommend trying to attend something so you can meet others in the same position.

Hi. I had twins as our carefully planned number 4, and felt a lot like you do, with the added guilt of how would twins impact on our older children. I think a lot of it was shock, and it certainly took a long time to process. I think shock and worry are very common responses to surprise twins, so be kind to yourself and take time for it to sink it. I can only tell you that in our family they have really worked - they are a real blessing. I would also say, line up your help (family? Friends? Paid?) and lower your expectations - you should never compare really, but never ever ever make comparisons to people with single babies! Take care.

My first are twins❤️it's hard at first but you get used to it. Mine are not ID

I didn't really leave the house without anyone else until they were 11 months old but that's because I am awfully shy and was ebf, now much more confident as will always have something in common with other mums (lack of sleep and talking about poo 😁)

There are some great twin sites on Facebook

Britains parents of twins
Breastfeeding twins and triplets uk (amazing group if you want to breastfeed, run by an amazing very knowledgeable woman)

I felt much the same when I was expecting my twins - I well remember the fear. They were born when my older DC was only 2.
I had no family support (except for DH) and it was very hard for us both, especially trying to give our older DC enough attention.

However, having said that, things became easier, and I soon became so glad I had twins. Their relationship and dynamic is unique, and they are very close. After the initial fear and misgivings I have never regretted that we had twins for my second pregnancy rather than a singleton. You cope, and it becomes much less hard as you go along. Also it is not necessarily as expensive as you think having two at the
same stage.

The fear is normal!

Twins is scary. They are hard work and they are more expensive.

But they are also completely wonderful. You’ll feel so sorry for anyone with only one baby.

Find your local Twins group and go along for a chat.

“mothering multiples” by Karen Kerkhoff Gromada (available on Amazon) was my most helpful twins book by far.

Congratulations!!

I had twins first and went through the same shock and fear. Join Tamba and then find a twins club to go to - mine welcomed women who were pregnant with twins. It meant that when the babies were born I knew there was somewhere I could go where they all understood. It’s nerve wracking enough going out with new babies, but if you’ve already met one or two people then it is easier!

Yes it’s hard and it’s expensive, but you can definitely do it! Tamba do seminars called ‘Practical preparation for parenthood’ They are brilliant for first time parents and are run all over the country. They also do antenatal courses but there’s fewer of those. Check on the Tamba website to see what’s available.

Having twins is amazing - mine are 10 now and it hasn’t always been easy but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Hi op - my twins are 17w and it is okay! Honest. Head over to the Multiple Births thread if you have specific questions.

I do soetimes wake up in the night, look over at their cot, and think OH MY GOD THERE ARE TWO OF THEM.

I agree. My twins were my first and i thought I'd had a miscarriage so didn't expect there to be one baby there Never mind 2!! Agree that you don't know any different so you muddle along.

Different things work for different people so find whatever way works for you. Your partner will have to be very hands on and it will be hard & expensive. But like everything else as you gain confidence and get to know your babies it will get better. Just try not to put too much pressure on yourself.

For me, my local twins club was fab and I got good support throughout my pregnancy via my midwife/ consultant. Try to relax, I know it's frightening but there is very little you can do about it as you go through the pregnancy. Mine came early and we weren't really organised, so would make sure you have things perhaps earlier than with you would with just one.

As the pp, when I could hear them as babies laughing their heads off together with some 'in' joke between them it really melt your heart. Us twin mums are a special club and its wonderful to be a part of it

More seriously, tamba course great and worth travelling to. Birthing twins is different and some consultants can be very er rigid so worth looking at birth choices.

And you will be overwhelmed by people's kindness. Literally not a day goes by without someone telling me that my babies are gorgeous and I an doing a great job -just for managing to brush my hair and leave the house! Twins are special and I always feel so proud of my little ones when I walk down the street with them. You will be fine!

I have twins and they are, without doubt, the best thing that ever happened to me.

My advice would be to join twins groups ( in real life and online) because it is great to chat to other parents who understand what it is like to have two babies at the same time.

Don't feel you have to buy two of everything. I'd say bouncy chairs, cots, car seats are pretty much the only things you need to double up on. Get really large play-mats or blankets for them to play on the floor.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Who cares if your house is tidy or you've brushed your hair!!!

Accept all offers of help, but also feel confident that you can do it. I have no family locally and my DH went back to work after two weeks. I am not a superwoman, or anything special, but I was completely fine.

Enjoy the compliments. There's something incredibly special about having two babies and people love to chat.

Yes I want to echo what @biggerboat1 said, you don’t HAVE to have help. I worried a lot about this as people insisted constantly that I would definitely need it and I knew I wouldn’t have it on tap, both our families live three hours away. My husband has done bedtime once in 8 months, he works long hours and abroad a lot, and I’ve managed fine. I would like a cleaner though ;)

A friend had a 2 year old and when she gave birth to twins. She said it was hard but easier because she got it all out the way at the same time.

She even went on to have another one when the twins were 2!

For what it's worth my twins were great babies. They ate and slept at the same time and more or less did everything together. They still do, their bond is incredible. They always have a playmate and if you put them in the same cot they have company during the night. It's hard work but I'm so glad I had them.

Thanks everyone for your replies so far. I’m still very much in shock.

Those that have experienced this please can I ask a few questions?

• did they have to stay in hospital longer/be incubated due to lower birth weights than single babies?

• how did you feed both at once, windboth at once, rock both to sleep etc?

• how do you carry two around with you?

• do you feel like you were still able to bond with each individually?

Sorry if these sound stupid, my mind is all over the place right now! Really appreciate your support.

Hi OP I cried my eyes out when I was told there were two babies. I had taken clomid, reluctantly, as I really didn't want to risk twins. However as soon as they were born i couldn't imagine having just one. I thought how dull it must be for mums of singletons! I had no experience of having one baby, which was probably a good thing.
Do join a twins club, everyone there just gets it. They will offer practical help and emotional support. I found mums of one sometimes looked a bit embarrassed when they grumbled about being up all night, although I tried to never grumble too much.
The great positive for me was that even when quite young they would entertain each other for quite long periods.
It probably seems overwhelming now OP but you will get used to it and you will cope.

We all felt overwhelmed... it’s normal! And I knew there was a tiny chance of twins (as had ivf) but I still couldn’t believe it!

Before you do anything else, research your local twins group.. you need twin mum friends :)

In answer to your questions, my twins were born at 36+4 and we stayed in a week.. both of mine lost too much weight, one had low blood sugars and one needed phototherapy for jaundice (very common to have jaundice before 37w) I switched to bf with formula top ups as most of these issues were down to supply.

Some people tandem feed amazingly! I could only ever feed them both if I was breast feeding one and bottle feeding the other propped up. They never needed long to wind so would just take it in turns. In The day, I would time visitors to coincide with feeding to give bottles :) I didn’t rock mine to sleep, I would cuddle them then put them down drowsy.

I didn’t carry them both at once but you can get some fab twin slings. I love the mountain buggy duet pram, which we used cocoons for for the first three months!

I do feel like we bonded individually. Often one would be awake when the other slept, plus I fed them individually... and even now, we do things all together or sometimes I will be cuddling one as We watch the other... having twins is amazing. Busy, don’t get me wrong but incredible. They are so adorable together too.

Good luck and always happy to answer questions if want to pm me xx

My twins were both good birth weights so no incubator or longer stay in hospital. They came at nearly 39 weeks.

I exclusively breast fed my twins. I started off tandem feeding but found it difficult as they got bigger so switched to feeding them one at a time. Just feed and then wind one at a time. I had them in little bouncy chairs so they could see me while waiting to be fed.

I didn’t rock them to sleep.

Once they can hol their heads up it’s easy enough to pop them on a hip each but usually I moved them from place to place one at a time (especially on the stairs) for safety.

Bonding wasn’t difficult at all. Their personalities, how they fed, how they cried, how they smelled were all so different even from birth that I always knew who I was holding.

These days I can tell from the sound of a cough, sneeze or retch which child it is.

I worried about all sorts of stuff when I was pregnant. I generally found that the things I was worried about weren’t that difficult.

Sorry, I didn't answer your questions! Mine arrived at 34 weeks and stayed in for a week to get the hang of feeding. feed
I tried to feed both together if I could buy they weren't always cooperative! I wrote everything down for months so that I wouldn't feed one twice and not the other (seems a bit silly now!). I tried to breastfeed but gave up after three weeks. Following advice from another mum I used to sit on the sofa with my legs sort of tucked to one side and had one baby in the 'crook' of each knee to give them a bottle together. I could then just grab one if they started to choke or fuss. They coped well with being winded one after the other.
I rarely carried both around. Lived in a flat so didn't really need to.
I worried a lot about bonding with them, I thought I might have a favourite, but actually it was ok. I discovered that I often did have a favourite, but it it changed several times a day! If I found myself dealing with one more than the other i made a conscious effort to swap with DH so that I wouldn't feel closer to one than the other.

Twins are awesome. I was terrified when I found out I was carrying two, but now I wouldn't change it for the world. Yes it's disproportionately hard at the beginning, but it gets much easier once they're old enough to entertain each other. My twin boys are best of friends and have a very special, precious, relationship that melts my hard old heart.

My twins are nearly 7 now but they were no3 and 4 for us, so we had our hands full, having 4 under 5.

We used every trick in the book to make life manageable - dummies, vibrating bouncy chairs and swings so they were put down-able ( though one was more of a limpet than the other!)

Swaddling was a life saver because again, we could put them down.

Once they were a bit bigger I co slept with one each side, rolling over and offering the nearest boob as required. I did tandem feed a bit but only stripped to the waist in the middle of the night really - I fobbed one off with the dummy in the daytime.

They had a lovely bond as toddlers and really were easier together as they kept each other occupied. They're going their separate ways a bit more now but they're still close and I can't imagine life without them.

The shock horror factor is totally normal and will pass. You'll be fine, honestly .

To answer your other questions:

I was inducted at 38 weeks. They were good birth weights though had a short stay in scbu. Home in 4 days so not too bad.

Re bonding, one was much clingier then the other and at one stage I felt that easy twin spent her life plonked in a bouncy chair with a dummy while I paced around trying to settle shouty twin, so I worried a bit that I was missing out on time with her.

Now they're older though, easy twin prefers my company while shouty twin has mellowed and is a real social butterfly so is busy with friends a lot, so it's worked itself out in the end.