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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would this physical behaviour trouble you?

40 replies

SoftAsACactus · 22/06/2018 13:39

I’ll start by saying my husband has never been violent towards me, nor does he have much of a temper. Our relationship is good, married 12 years, no drama, very much equals.

However, he is a bit weird, let’s say, in times of panic/crisis, even mild.

Eg today I injured myself quite badly doing some gardening - scissor related, lots of blood etc! I am a bit of a baby when it comes to blood and started to flap a bit and wouldn’t let him look. His response was to grab my wrist quite forcefully and shove my hand under a cold tap while trying to get a look.

Another time, I was very upset about a close family member’s sudden death (a child) and was sobbing hard and having a bit of a panic attack, I think. Instead of comforting me he looked really freaked out and eventually stood over me and held his hand over my mouth to ‘calm me down’ - he said he also was worried i would wake the children

I’ll say again that he is totally normal in any other situation, lovely even

So today I tried to explain that I didn’t like the idea that he could use force and that it was my body, that if I didn’t want to be touched - even on the premise that it was to offer help - then he had absolutely no right to do so.

He responded that a doctor in a&e would have to use force when dealing with a hand injury/mild is panic attack - but that’s not the case at all is it?

Sorry if I’m rambling- just trying to get my thoughts clear

OP posts:

Aridane · 22/06/2018 13:41

1st thing OK - sort of a bit of first aid.

2nd - way off (unless you were in a zombie apocalypse and your cries would bring zombie hordes to yo)

Weedinosaurus · 22/06/2018 13:44

2nd thing is a bit off. I wouldn't be comfortable with that. I think you need another conversation with him about that.

Ohmydayslove · 22/06/2018 13:46

I think you both need to go on a first aid course

Merryoldgoat · 22/06/2018 13:46

Both are unacceptable in my opinion.

Jaxhog · 22/06/2018 13:47

Wow! Sounds like abuse to me. If you say no you don't like it, then he should not do it again. My DH used to grab my wrist when crossing the road. I told him to stop - and he did.

Echobelly · 22/06/2018 13:48

It just sounds to me like he doesn't cope well with emergency things and wants to 'Do Something!' but in a tizzy can't really do it in a more sensitive way ('Stop the bleeding!' 'Make her stop sobbing so loudly!'). As he's fine in all other things, I think it's quite specific and while I guess you can ask that he be a bit less drastic and try to take a deep breath before responding when the unexpected happens, he's not necessarily going to be able to summon up the presence of mind.

Echobelly · 22/06/2018 13:49

Agree that maybe a first aid course would help so he has a plan of action when he needs to assist.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/06/2018 13:49

He responded that a doctor in a&e would have to use force when dealing with a hand injury/mild is panic attack - but that’s not the case at all is it?

No.

And it doesn't matter if that is exactly the case.
The point he is missing here is that you have bodily autonomy and if you tell him not to touch you by force under any circumstances then that is fucking THAT, and without that agreement then there is quite simply no good relationship.

He does not get to disagree and argue the point in this situation.

There is no 'point'

There is simply that someone has told him that he is not to touch them by force. Their body their choice. No discussion needed or welcomed.

Explain this to him.

Mycheckshirt · 22/06/2018 13:54

I wonder if he panics in a crisis situation, feels he should be doing something but gets the 'something' completely wrong? The hand over your mouth thing would have really freaked me out though, was it prolonged or just for a second or two? Horrible either way and worrying that he dismissed your feelings with the a&e comment.

M00nUnit · 22/06/2018 14:00

A doctor in A&E would certainly not "use force" to treat a hand injury! The hand over mouth thing was totally unacceptable as well. I"d be furious if my DH did either of those things to me.

Ketayuzu · 22/06/2018 14:01

It sounds like he freaks out when you freak out. Just make it clear that from now on he's not to touch you when you are freaking out. Even to help. Even if that means he needs to leave the room.
And i think both of you sounds like you need to get some help with learning how to deal with stressful situations. Maybe find something together?

Portobellomushroom · 22/06/2018 14:09

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's abuse. He clearly freaks when he's faced with another person's heightened emotions and he probably just does the first thing that comes into his head.

While it's not pleasant (the second example, the first is acceptable, I think), it's not abuse.

He probably needs some strategies and work on himself and anxiety.

Original poster

SoftAsACactus · 22/06/2018 14:12

Thanks all. I realise I probably make it sound like I’m very highly strung - and he would say that too, but genuinely I think i am pretty level headed- very chilled in labour for example .

With the blood thing today, I think I just said ‘oh my god oh my god it’s pouring with blood - wtf!’ And paced and sobbed a bit. We’re not talking screams of agony.

With the other example, well it was pretty horrific and I couldn’t control my emotions but it was a very extreme situation. I’m not sure I’m very different to a lot of people but I guess I could be wrong

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 22/06/2018 14:17

It sounds like he wants to help but doesn't know how to react - does his mum/dad react similarly to emergency/highly emotional situations?

The hand over your mouth thing makes me think he was punished for expressing negative emotions as a child and therefore finds them terrifying.

Original poster

SoftAsACactus · 22/06/2018 14:19

not I totally think there is something in that - have often wondered the same. He seems almost shit scared and makes out like I’m being hysterical when I don’t feel I am. He seems afraid

OP posts:

Blobby10 · 22/06/2018 14:23

In the circumstances you have described, it wouldn't concern me but its impossible to say given that none of us were in the situation, we dont know your OH or your relationship and what is normal to one person is abnormal to another!!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 22/06/2018 15:21

Sounds like he can't cope with others extreme emotions. He has a certain coldness to him. Is he sensitive enough in other ways?

Branleuse · 22/06/2018 15:30

hes panicking. Youre panicking. Youre all panicking and acting weird

AngelsSins · 22/06/2018 18:39

No they wouldn’t do this in a&e, I’ve had a panic attack in hospital and they didn’t touch me. I would tell him:

A. No, doctors don’t behave like that
B. He’s not a fucking doctor
And C. Why does he think this is up for debate; that he gets a say in this? He doesn’t.

AngelsSins · 22/06/2018 18:41

Branleuse, being devastated over a baby passing away is not weird.

AngelsSins · 22/06/2018 18:42

sorry, child, not baby

Justmuddlingalong · 22/06/2018 18:43

You sound like you panic in certain circumstances. So does he. Neither of you seem able to cope particularly well in a crisis. I don't see his behaviour as abusive, but I think you could both do with first aid training as a starting point.

LynetteScavo · 22/06/2018 18:51

Well I get putting your hand under that tap. If it had been a burn you'd probably have been grateful.

But covering your mouth is just weird. He didn't make the right decision, and it sounds like he totally panicked while trying to take control. He's probably never experienced many extreme situations in his life.

Original poster

SoftAsACactus · 22/06/2018 18:53

I am not just saying this, but honestly I’m not a panicker normally. I did have a bit of a flap about all the blood but I had just nearly cut off a rather large chunk of skin and covered myself in blood! I have first aid training and I dressed it myself once I’d chilled, in about 10 minutes. I just didnt want DH to take control of things as I was in pain and he wasn’t exactly being gentle or kind

The other example was just really, really horrendous and I think my reaction was justified.

OP posts:

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 22/06/2018 18:56

You both sound very panicky and lose all rational thought in a crisis. My dad is the same and he gets very shouty.

I agree with both of you going on a first aid course so you can take control of any situations when they arise. Instead of flapping around at each other.

And seriously, learn to be calmer. You will find bad situations a lot easier to deal with if you can master the art of calm in a crisis.

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