Would this physical behaviour trouble you?

[SoftAsACactus]

I’ll start by saying my husband has never been violent towards me, nor does he have much of a temper. Our relationship is good, married 12 years, no drama, very much equals.

However, he is a bit weird, let’s say, in times of panic/crisis, even mild.

Eg today I injured myself quite badly doing some gardening - scissor related, lots of blood etc! I am a bit of a baby when it comes to blood and started to flap a bit and wouldn’t let him look. His response was to grab my wrist quite forcefully and shove my hand under a cold tap while trying to get a look.

Another time, I was very upset about a close family member’s sudden death (a child) and was sobbing hard and having a bit of a panic attack, I think. Instead of comforting me he looked really freaked out and eventually stood over me and held his hand over my mouth to ‘calm me down’ - he said he also was worried i would wake the children

I’ll say again that he is totally normal in any other situation, lovely even

So today I tried to explain that I didn’t like the idea that he could use force and that it was my body, that if I didn’t want to be touched - even on the premise that it was to offer help - then he had absolutely no right to do so.

He responded that a doctor in a&e would have to use force when dealing with a hand injury/mild is panic attack - but that’s not the case at all is it?

Sorry if I’m rambling- just trying to get my thoughts clear

I AM FUCKING CALM

LOSES SHIT

That was a joke

I wouldn't say it was abusive just the wrong reactions. I agree a first aid course may be the best action for both of you. Perhaps some couples or other form of counselling to help him know how to deal with extreme emotions too?

I would be very worried by that, actually.

Is it possible he panics in times of crisis? If so, maybe a course might alleviate the behaviour. Possibly counselling - even when panicking, I think his reactions suggest that there's something going on beneath the surface.

He doesn’t panic in a crisis, he prides himself on being calm and not reacting emotionally. You would think him very sane and mellow. But a switch does seem to flip when he is confronted by the sort of emotional response he would consider ‘too much’. What’s that about? I don’t know. He gets a sort of terrified/disgusted look in his eyes

To a MUCH lesser degree, he has been like it with the children eg if one is having a meltdown he will be like ‘DC YOU NEED TO STOP THIS, COME ON! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN’. He doesn’t seem to realise that this makes it worse!

I have regular first aid training as part of my job

The one with the hand is exactly what my OH would do! He is quite matter of fact and just thinks sorry but you need to sort this. It helps me and I like it because I can be a wuss and flap. It's done out of kindness though and it's never bothered me.

Every relationship is different though and it sounds like both occasions have bothered you so you have every right to speak to him about it.

Ok so is calm, you are calm. There is no issue. Except when there is.

But a switch does seem to flip when he is confronted by the sort of emotional response he would consider ‘too much’. What’s that about? I don’t know. He gets a sort of terrified/disgusted look in his eyes

Counselling.

It sounds like he doesn't know how to cope with strong emotional reactions - or, further, he's been taught that emotional reactions are wrong/bad.

Zibbi no he is not calm, that’s my point, you’d think he was if you met him but this triggers the opposite of calm in him

As for me- well, I don’t know. Is having a little flap about a bad injury that unusual? It’s not a daily or even monthly occurrence. I know I could be wrong but I think I react reasonably appropriately with normal life stresses and normal pain

I honestly think you are the one reacting quite dramatically. And I have been in both of the situations you described.

I am quite a buttoned up person though, so my reactions are not necessarily the same as the average person.

I think your reactions to both events were within normal, and not anything that meant your DH needed to react how he did. No one knows how sudden shock and grief will affect them, and I think your reaction was quite typical.

He definitely needs to know not to lay his hands on you, and I think he needs to explore why strong emotions seem to disturb him so much.

First one was ok, your reaction was panicked, you admit you were crying but wouldn’t let home look. He needed to check you were ok; what if you had cut an artery? Because you wouldn’t let him see he had no idea how serious the injury was.

The 2nd time is a bit worrying. I think you need to speak to him about how he reacted and make sure he understands that’s not ok. And maybe just be a little cautious; a thing further like this have a rethink.

I think regardless of whether you were panicked or not, or whether he reacted ok or not, its perfectly fine for you to tell him that in future you don’t want him putting his hands on you, that you will calm down in your own time and he isn’t to touch you.

First one:
You panicked. And he physically forced you into absolutely the wrong first aid management.

Second one:
Urgh, really don't like that.

When you panic, you flap. When he panics about you panicking, he physically controls you. In order to do the wrong thing. Your reactions aren't great. His are worse. The combination is not good.

It just sounds to me like he doesn't cope well with emergency things and wants to 'Do Something!' but in a tizzy can't really do it in a more sensitive way ('Stop the bleeding!' 'Make her stop sobbing so loudly!')

This. I don't think it's sinister in motive, but I do think it needs addressing because the second action was quite scary and dangerous. A first aid course seems like a good idea, or something else that will make him feel more able to deal with medical issues.