To be upset about manager's email

[SoozC]

I've been doing some training over a few months, a day a month. Two of these days have clashed with a meeting I have been expected to attend, which I haven't due to the training. I got an email this evening from my manager saying he wants to talk to me about the missed meetings, saying it's disappointing I've not been there.

I'm now lying in bed unable to sleep due to feeling upset. It's not my fault I've not been at the meetings, I've been training. I'm stressed at work anyway and 13 weeks pregnant and now I'm worrying about trying to explain myself tomorrow. It's not even my fault.

AIBU to expect my manager to just talk to me about it tomorrow and not stress me out at home with an email so I have time to worry about it all night?

And any tips for sleeping when you feel upset and your heart is racing?

Your boss emailed you in the evening? Do you mean outside of work hours or do you both work shifts? If so, that is properly wanky.

If she is using your personal email address for work-related crap then she needs to fuck off.

My boss likes to email everyone on her day off to make sure we know that we are micro-managed and always under her control. I hate her.

I also manage to find it hilarious, but it affects my mental health sometimes and then it’s a problem. People like this are bullies.

Your manager is at fault. He needs to issue you with a time turner if he wants you to be put m two places at once.
Honestly his mistake.
Hope you got some sleep.

Let us know how it goes today OP. Was pretty crappy of your manager - you can't be in two places at once!

This is a total non-issue. The conversation should go pretty much as outofmydepth describes.

If you say you were at a work training course they will take no further action. A sensible conversation will sort this out in less than 60 seconds.

Hi OP. You told the meeting organiser. You didn't get a reply to say that someone from X team needed to attend so you didn't ask someone to attend on your behalf. Presumably you've read the minutes and ensured any actions you had were fed to the organiser so they were incorporated into discussions.

Have you had any feedback from organiser at all about not attending? Just wondering if Manager has had some kind of feedback that your non attendance or involvement has delayed a project?

As a manager myself it’s really bad form to tell you that they want to talk to you tomorrow. He should have left it until tomorrow to catch up with you rather than leaving you to stress all night about it. What a shit head

You had a valid reason for not attending the meetings.

Perhaps as a way of keeping the discussion with your manager positive, you could suggest ways to manage this sort of clash in the future; e.g. arrange for someone else to attend the meeting on your behalf, or 'buddy' with someone else who will be going and send them a list of points you want to raise, and meet with them afterwards so they can fill you in; or if anyone is dialling into the meeting ask if it can be recorded so you can listen to the playback.

Have you replied to the email?

Maybe you won't need to have the meeting if you explain and apologise for not letting her/him know, sounds like a waste for time for a minor miscommunication.

This is not "confrontation".

The manager will ask why you weren't at the meeting. you'll say you were at the training with Kevin and that you'd told Kelly about it and the manager will say "Oh yeah, I'd forgotten about that" or "next time drop me a quick email so I know".

Getting totally stressed out over something SO minor is blowing things hugely out of proportion.

The training was agreed long before the meeting date. And I emailed the meeting guy to say I couldn't attend due to a previously-agreed commitment both times.

I'd email manager and tell him the above ^

Then at the meeting with him ask if he feels that he needs to be included in^ the above in the future

Your making a mountain out of a non issue really, it’s miscommunication, from now on just email him directly to advise of your schedule. We have a diary, however if it clashes with anything we openly do something about it.

Surely your manager has access to your online diary?
If you are out of the office you put out of office for training blah blah on?
Really nothing to worry about -your manager sounds poor-would take 2 secs to check your diary

The way I read his email I can't even see that there is a problem. I would assume he wanted to make sure you were fully aware of the material that was covered during the meetings and any information that you needed to have.

But then it's telling that you assumed you were going to be told off - if that the norm in your organisation for petty things?

No biggie, and you can go in with a professional ‘I had sent my apologies for the meeting due to my x training, however I’m sorry you weren’t aware, would you prefer me to cc you in to my apologies in future? And I will use the minutes to update myself on what I need to know.’

I understand your anxiety about that email too. I'd have felt the same. But as an objective observer, I can tell you categorically that you have done nothing wrong whatsoever. You told the meeting organiser that you wouldn't be there both times. It's surely up to your manager to check the 'apologies' before firing off emails which are ambiguous in tone.

Good luck today. It will be over in a puff of nothingness.

How was it OP?

I was out of the office most of the day. When I did see him he didn't mention wanting to speak to me. I should have pushed to speak to him, I know, but it clearly wasn't that important to him. I'll mention it next week when I see him, maybe he's forgotten about it already.

I do feel silly for worrying, I know, but the tone of his email was such I did wonder if I really had done something wrong. Now I've thought about it in the cold light of day, it doesn't seem so bad.

Thank you for all your advice.

Glad you're feeling like your on more of an even keel Sooz. Hope you have a good weekend not feeling at all bothered by your idiot boss and his poor management style!

Just email him back the reason and get it over and done with.

For all you know he wants to talk to you because there’s some action he wants you to follow up on.

You are panicking unnecessarily about this.

You have a legitimate reason for not attending and informed the meeting organiser in advance.

With the recency of his email, Sooz, I would definitely respond politely and succinctly to clarify the situation, stating you had informed the organiser that you couldn't attend the meeting due to approved training, and that your calendar is always up to date to show when you are out of office.

It's important to keep a written record of things like this so they don't come back to 'haunt' at a future time. Also it gives the manager an important message that you've got your act together and get off my case

Saying they were "disappointed" you weren't at the meeting is so passive aggressive!

For all you know he wants to talk to you because there’s some action he wants you to follow up on

Fair enough but he should have made himself crystal clear in the email that's what he had in mind, not talk about being "disappointed" for non-attendance. It could have been "there are a couple of things I'd like you to do following the meeting, let's talk about it when you're back in the office. Hope the training went well". Much more pleasant.

Glad you are OK.

If your manager has been told by you that you are pregnant, he has an obligation to make reasonable adjustments and consider your mental and physical health. Not sending emails to you out of working hours or when you are not in the office seems a reasonable one for you.