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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school fallout

68 replies

mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 21:45

Nc for this but I'm long time poster and lurker.

I have been friends with someone for a long time, since our dc were in pre school. Our dc have always fought, 1 min best friends and the next enemies so we tend to not get involved and let them work it out. They are now not very good friends, they play sometimes but not really.

They are now in yr 4 and whilst my dc isn't an angel, they are never in trouble, regularly have praise and I see their behaviour in school as I am a TA as well. They are not unkind, cheeky sometimes but not unkind (I wouldn't tolerate it).

Friends dc is also a lovely child but can be quite nasty at times, there have been multiple incidence's of lying, manipulation, hurting etc. Friend tries her very best although she parents differently to myself I don't necessarily think she is wrong on any front.

One weekend my dc stopped eating, wouldn't touch anything and was getting lethargic, finally managed to find out what had happened and friends dc have told my dc they were fat (they are not 50% percentile for weight) and it had really upset them.

For the record there have been multiple things like lying, hitting my dc, saying mean things etc and I've always told my friend and she has told her dc off but nothing changes.

Its a shame because when they are being nice, they are a pleasure to have around but when they are being mean its horrible to see. I've seen them hit another child because they thought they were prettier or whispering to much younger children about how they will do mean things to their parents, they even killed a nest of baby birds that the yr 6 had found.

Anyway this weekend in question I was livid and I've had enough so I bypassed my friend and went straight to the teacher, for the teacher it was the last straw due to other things so friends dc was given a punishment which was effective.

But I feel so guilty, my friend sees the best in her dc (because its her baby) my friend keeps mentioning it to me and I cringe inside knowing I cannot tell her it was me.

My friend thinks her dc is blameless and wouldn't ever be as mean as someone has complained but the truth is, they have. I hate to admit it but its horrible to see sometimes.

was I unreasonable? I would of gone to my friend but nothing would of been done really. She would of been upset, disappointed and she is my friend, a very good friend.

I feel crap about it all to be honest.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 21/06/2018 23:18

I disagree @FASH84 I think all Year 4 children would know that a nest of bird eggs are likely to contain chicks.

Not necessarily. Studies have shown that many children have no idea that milk comes from a cow. Or that chickens come from eggs. Or that bacon is from a pig.

madamginger · 21/06/2018 23:18

For a minute there I thought you were posting about my DC.
I have nearly an identical situation (without the bird killing), I’ve gone totally no contact with the other Mum, we have been friends for over 10 years but I need to keep my baby safe and her child is just dangerous. They aren’t allowed to be near each other at school but my child knows to stay as far away as possible.

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 23:20

Madmags I’m trying not to be biased. We were all upset about the nest. The dc can be lovely, sweet etc just the bad is iutweighing the good lately.

My friend is lovely too, I still do school runs for her and pick up if needed etc. I’ll always be there for her and I would never show to the dc that I’m upset by their behaviour. The dc has been punished by the school, it’s not my place to milk it etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 23:22

I don’t think the dc would do anything that would put my dc in danger, dc knows to play when they are being nice but to stay away when it’s starting to turn iyswim.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 21/06/2018 23:24

"Animal cruelty in children is one of the best predictors of later violence and criminality"

From Psychology Today

JessicaJonesJacket · 21/06/2018 23:26

I would have told my friend that I had told the teacher. That's the level of honesty I would expect from a friend. But then I would also expect eggs to be called eggs rather than a nest of baby birds. . .

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 21/06/2018 23:29

Generally best to let teachers deal with all issues in school. If my child raises an issue with me I encourage them to tell the teacher, sometimes this means going to teacher and saying 'dc wants to talk to you about something'. I try to do that rather than between parents, especially in your situation. You made the right move imho.

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 23:29

Well I guess ibu about the description of the egg crushing but nbu going to the teacher.

I can’t tell my friend, I can’t deal with the stress of it all right now.

OP posts:
Pascall · 21/06/2018 23:29

Everyone was excited to see the baby birds

Where was the nest?

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 23:32

Pascal in a bush in the school field.

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 21/06/2018 23:36

Well if you don't think you were being unreasonable, why did you ask? At our school, parents who are friends will tell the teacher and the other parent. I guess I'm lucky we have similar values around handling such situations.

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 21/06/2018 23:39

I didn’t say I wasn’t unreasonable, telling the teacher and not going through my friend was reasonable, the language used about the nest was unreasonable.

Not telling my friend is unreasonable but I’ll have to live with that right now.

OP posts:
MadMags · 22/06/2018 01:41

What is your question?

Italiangreyhound · 22/06/2018 02:40

'But I feel so guilty, my friend sees the best in her dc (because its her baby) my friend keeps mentioning it to me and I cringe inside knowing I cannot tell her it was me.'

You don't need to tell her it was you, but you do need to put some distance between your kids.

Your friendship may survive this, or it may not, but either way your top priority is your child, which you know.

'was I unreasonable?' No, what you did was for the best.

'I would of gone to my friend but nothing would of been done really. She would of been upset, disappointed and she is my friend, a very good friend.' You can't keep going to her when she is not tackling it.

'I feel crap about it all to be honest.' Please do not feel bad for sticking up for your child. Thanks

KittyHawke80 · 22/06/2018 03:08

Yr 4 is 8/9. Of course they knew what they were doing, and that it was wrong. It’s not tying a cat to a tree and using it as target practice, but it’s deeply unpleasant. I’d be steering well clear.

Ceebs85 · 22/06/2018 03:16

You could maybe excuse some of it as just naughtiness but killing birds is disturbing and I wouldn't want to pursue a friendship with any parent who didn't take it as seriously as they should.

I also wouldn't want my child around a child capable of this.

Coyoacan · 22/06/2018 06:09

It does sound like there is something amiss with this child, though. But a very hard subject to broach.

1busybee · 22/06/2018 06:21

The main point to your question was should you confront the Mum and say you told teacher plus x,y,z has happened?
I think if you want to stay friends then you really should admit that you told the teacher. Be careful though not to add the x,y,z if those things are only in your knowledge as a TA. Things that happen in school should be dealt with by the teacher and you should not use your position within the school to justify your position as a parent if that makes sense?

GrannyGrissle · 22/06/2018 06:23

Would have.

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 22/06/2018 06:36

1busybee - absolutely, it’s not my place.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 22/06/2018 06:42

I was told about the birds by my dc and by my friend. I’m seeing my friend today I’ll pluck up the courage but tbh I’m worried I’ll lose a friend.

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 22/06/2018 06:50

I really would discourage this friendship as it is damaging your child. You will probably lose a friend but it's a price worth paying.

FiestaThenSiesta · 22/06/2018 06:50

Oh for fucks sake. Killing baby birds isn’t the same as crushing eggs. You were all excited to see baby birds? Why the hell were you raising chikdren’s hopes up like that? You’ve clearly no idea how difficult it is to feed/keep an abandoned baby bird alive.

Original poster
mrwolf1234 · 22/06/2018 06:59

They weren’t abandoned.

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/06/2018 07:14

Tbh, I doubt my two and a half year old would crush a nest of eggs, and my older two (who are definitely no Perfect Peters) wouldn't have dreamed of it ever, let alone at that age. I do find that worrying, although the 'future serial killer' pop-psych predictions are out of place at least. The child's response I find interesting - she* 'wouldn't hurt one of God's creatures'? Is she possibly being brought up in a fundamentalist religious atmosphere with very black-and-white lines between 'good' and 'bad' which are contributing to the parent's denial and the child's need to project as perfect to the parent while doing sneaky nasty things?

(*I notice a PP assumed the child was a boy, presumably because of the nest thing Sad )