To forgive myself the odd slip-up if I do most of the emotional labour?

[Echobelly]

So tonight I screwed up a bit... I was going to an event after work, DD has an an evening class and I made sure she was getting a lift home with friends.

Long story short, a couple of things I couldn't have expected happened, resulted in DH getting home before she did, not knowing where she was, not being able to get hold of me and going off to get her and not finding her.

It was all OK in the end, but stress for DH (and he was pretty good about it) and I am sorry I messed up.... qualified by the fact that I've decided not to beat myself up for this stuff any more. Often panicked about not arranging enough playdates, not keeping on top of homework etc, but I have decided lately that the fact is I arrange almost every single bit of childcare ever, every change in it, every holiday, most emergencies, almost all playdates (DH has a panic a few times a year that our kids don't have enough friends - they do, IMO - and need more playdates but hasn't often done anything about it). I check about the homework regularly, DH kind of flies in crisis-style every few weeks.

So, if I sometimes drop the ball, you know what? It's only because I'm lifting almost the entire emotional load and I'm not going to be self-flagellating about it - I'm pretty organised, but I am not superwoman and I cannot see every eventuality and sometimes I will miss things. Anyone else got to this point?

Your husband needs to read this...

you should have asked

It's not your fault. He should be doing way more.

I know 'You should have asked' - it's what helped me decide not to feel too bad about getting things wrong sometimes. I wasn't consumed by guilt before then or anything, but every now and then things would get on top of me and I'd think 'Why can't I deal with all of this, I thought I was such a organised person?' I do want to show that cartoon to DH but haven't found the time yet.

And I am aware that I am enabling him to not do stuff at home to some degree, eg, I worry he won't deal with things in time (say, arranging holiday childcare) so I deal with it myself, as I fear he wouldn't feel the sense of urgency, but maybe that's because I sort everything, so he has got use to everything being sorted by me and me dealing with emergencies/last minute issues

I have always been a poor delegator, tbh.

He's less involved with evening pickups, as he usually works longer hours than me but he does do them when he's at home between contracts.

I think there are two separate issues here. If I were your DH and came home to find neither of you there and didn't know if DD had been picked up then I would also have been worried. Especially since it's happened before (recently) that she was left without anyone to collect her. I'm saying it's anyone's fault, it's just one of those unfortunate things that happens.

Separately though it sounds like the division of labour at home isn't really fair if you're always doing all the thinking and planning and yes you should try and resolve that.

OP, you should like a perfectionist. How does the thought of letting go or letting standards drop feel?

If you think it easier to organise things so one person largely handles the mental load (I can understand, I am that person too), then you got to be easier on yourself when a plate crashes down occasionally.

This time of year is particularly tough on the default parent. We are fast approaching burnout with sports days, parents days, prize givings, teacher collections, exams, pre-holiday summer socials, leaver parties .. argh. My son almost did not make one of his school piano lessons because I did not spot that the piano teacher had sent me an email about it at the end of last term. Shit happens.

There are two issues here, the organising and the communication of what has been organised.

Leaving aside the point that all the organising appears to have become your problem, is there a way to share the communication, such as a shared calendar, if you put all the arrangements in, so that you could each see what has been arranged.

And if he ever arranged anything, you could see that too. Just sayin

Echoing everyone, you did not drop the ball. You did not anticipate every possible outcome of the day but your husband didn’t anticipate anything at all.
He just flew into a panic when his life wasn’t perfectly organised for him(even though it actually was).

Yeah, we introduced a shared calendar a few years ago which has solved some previous issues of managing expectations! Haven't used it for stuff like unusual pickup yet, but it's definitely an idea.