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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive myself the odd slip-up if I do most of the emotional labour?

32 replies

Echobelly · 20/06/2018 21:09

So tonight I screwed up a bit... I was going to an event after work, DD has an an evening class and I made sure she was getting a lift home with friends.

Long story short, a couple of things I couldn't have expected happened, resulted in DH getting home before she did, not knowing where she was, not being able to get hold of me and going off to get her and not finding her.

It was all OK in the end, but stress for DH (and he was pretty good about it) and I am sorry I messed up.... qualified by the fact that I've decided not to beat myself up for this stuff any more. Often panicked about not arranging enough playdates, not keeping on top of homework etc, but I have decided lately that the fact is I arrange almost every single bit of childcare ever, every change in it, every holiday, most emergencies, almost all playdates (DH has a panic a few times a year that our kids don't have enough friends - they do, IMO - and need more playdates but hasn't often done anything about it). I check about the homework regularly, DH kind of flies in crisis-style every few weeks.

So, if I sometimes drop the ball, you know what? It's only because I'm lifting almost the entire emotional load and I'm not going to be self-flagellating about it - I'm pretty organised, but I am not superwoman and I cannot see every eventuality and sometimes I will miss things. Anyone else got to this point?

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 20/06/2018 21:14

I can imagine this scenario occurring in our house and I would be where you are. In fact I can imagine I’d be rather more irritable about it!

NameChange30 · 20/06/2018 21:16

That’s not emotional labour though is it? It’s organising. Both come under the “wife work” category but they’re slightly different. (Sorry to be pedantic.)

In any case you are obviously not being unreasonable and should talk to your DH about a fairer division of labour.

Original poster

Echobelly · 20/06/2018 21:19

I dunno, I've seen some people put this kind of thing under emotional labour, though I imagine there are lots of different definitions! But yes, call it what you will, I'm doing it.

DH sometimes jokes about me being 'the diary', but it's hard fucking work being the diary.

OP posts:

AveAtqueVale · 20/06/2018 21:24

I screwed up today too. Forgot DS had a paediatrician’s appointment as part of his ASD assessment. I was blithely sitting next to him watching PJ Masks when a rather (understandably) pissy-sounding woman phoned me from a private number and asked if I was aware my son had an appointment to see her. I thought it was our GP at first and started saying we hadn’t asked for an appointment before the penny dropped . I don’t think I’ve ever apologised so effusively for anything in my life. I had it in my head it was the 30th rather than the 20th, but I never drop the ball like that and felt dreadful. Was slightly annoyed though as DH’s instant reaction was to ask how I could have forgotten, despite the fact he’s off today too (shift worker so not taking leave or anything) and was meant to be coming, has known about the appointment as long as I have and in fact he’s the one that wrote it on the calendar. So I’m really not sure why forgetting is entirely my fault .

NameChange30 · 20/06/2018 21:24

“DH sometimes jokes about me being 'the diary'”

That’s pretty disrespectful tbh
He knows you do everything and doesn’t give a shit out how unfair it is, in fact he jokes about it
And he actually describes you as an object, he is literally objectifying you with his language
I’d tell him to fuck off, actually I would have done so a long time ago

ILoveDolly · 20/06/2018 21:26

But as far as I can see,you didn't do anything wrong. Why did he go off in a panic if he wasn't meant to be collecting her that evening? If he doesn't want to get involved in organising any childcare he needs to chill the *uck out and just let it happen.

RedFin · 20/06/2018 21:27

Op I don't see how you messed up. Everything was sorted. Your DH didn't know. Does he expect to be always told where everyone is all the time? If you do tell him the minutiae does he remember anyway.
Yes, he panicked. But you didn't mess up

HipsterAssassin · 20/06/2018 21:36

Do you think ‘you screwed up a bit’ when actually he doesn’t know what’s going on.

So, objectively, you didn’t drop a ball. And if you think that you’re supposed to account for ‘what he might need to know’ then it’s hardly surprising you describe it as ‘emotional labour’ - in fact that’s quite telling. Because it sounds like somewhere in this you feel a bit guilty?

Nah, he isn’t a child. He can do one!

Original poster

Echobelly · 20/06/2018 21:40

He panicked because a month or so ago I did forget about picking her up from this class (when it wasn't very established as routine yet) so he thought it had happened again.

I didn't mess up the arrangement, it was a communication error, but at the same time, it wouldn't have been an issue with normal timings and I know I can't be expected to consider every 'what if?'.

As I said, DH was good about it, hasn't especially blamed me, but a few months ago I think I would have blamed myself a lot.

OP posts:

Motherbear26 · 20/06/2018 21:48

You didn’t screw up at all so I’m very glad you aren’t beating yourself up. Everything was sorted but you didn’t inform dh when you had no reasonable expectation that he might need to know. No issues there.

My dh still asks me every time he has to cover the kids activities what time to collect them and where they are. These clubs haven’t changed in 2 1/2 years. He also asks what we are doing this weekend every Friday night without fail. It’s draining, but easier to just accept it.

NameChange30 · 20/06/2018 22:05

For the love of God, it’s as if he’s your boss and you’re his PA, not only do you have to organise everything but you have to brief him on it too.

Communication is a two-way thing! Parenting if you’re in a relationship is a joint endeavour! Why have some people not got the memo?!

Original poster

Echobelly · 20/06/2018 22:16

Yeah, I do think he could have put things together this morning and said 'Seeing as you're going out, whose picking up DD?' but he seldom does that until things are right on top of him. Again, I have made this sort of thing less my problem than I used to.

The funny thing is he's a project manager by profession but he's hopeless at it at home!

OP posts:

SacreBlue · 20/06/2018 22:20

A sit down chat without getting heated would be good before things escalate.

NameChange30 · 20/06/2018 22:36

“The funny thing is he's a project manager by profession but he's hopeless at it at home!”

Of course he is. Some men are hopeless on purpose (consciously or unconsciously) because then their wife/partner will do it instead, so they don’t have to do it. Easy win for them.

Hilarious right...

(Spot the feminist! )

Uncreative · 20/06/2018 22:48

YABU to say you screwed up. It sounds like he leaves this stuff to you and you organized everything. Your DD was fine. So DH was a little stressed. If he wants to avoid that, then he needs to be more proactive in terms of family management instead of leaving it all to you. Based on what you have said, it sounds like you are the family manager reporting in to your husband which effectively makes him your manager. Aim to be partners in this instead.

UnderTheDesk · 20/06/2018 23:28

He’s hopeless at it because he’s delegated it to you and therefore doesn’t see it as his job so has never bothered to learn how to do it. Which is fine, if that’s what you’ve agreed, implicitly or explicitly. But you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

blueshoes · 20/06/2018 23:39

DH sometimes jokes about me being 'the diary', but it's hard fucking work being the diary.

This is not a joke. I agree with the AnotherEmma that this is disrespectful to you. You have internalised that somehow all this wife work is yours and yours alone and he colludes in it. No f-cking haha.

If I dropped the ball, I would not expect my dh to be "good about it". I would bite his head off if he even squeaked because the next thing that comes out of my mouth is YOU DO IT then. Your dh should be grateful you are taking this on. He has absolutely no right to look a gift horse in the mouth.

My advice is to share the load with your dh now. Forget playdates, the school admin just gets more and more.

timeisnotaline · 21/06/2018 00:11

You didn’t screw up. I don’t call this emotional labour but I won’t be responsible for all of it. I make sure dh pulls his weight, makes him a better parent.

Pengggwn · 21/06/2018 05:06

He doesn't get to be 100% uninvolved and 100% informed. That's what a PA is for. You are not a PA. Tell him to piss off and do it himself next time.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 21/06/2018 05:13

Sorry but my answer would be “you tell me” after a while. How does that not drive you apeshit?

Chapellass · 21/06/2018 05:35

Why do you feel you screwed up?? She was being dropped off.

Your husband's dramas are his business alone and arise because he dips into your kids lives when it suits him to raise some histrionics. Sorry but this would really irritate me. You are both busy people - he should pitch in or piss off.

As for calling you the diary 🤢 - are we in the 1950s? Not a joke.

Read the Huffington Post article about the default parent and then reallocate responsibilities.

Bibesia · 21/06/2018 05:43

I don't even think you messed up. You arranged for your daughter to have a lift home. Why did your DH assume that you wouldn't have done that? If you didn't expect him to get home so early, it seems pretty obvious that you wouldn't have been relying on him to collect - or that, if you were, you would at the very least have texted him to ask.

Bibesia · 21/06/2018 05:45

The funny thing is he's a project manager by profession but he's hopeless at it at home!

That isn't funny. He's perfectly capable of organising these things, he just chooses not to because he can't be bothered and you pick up the slack.

Cherrysherbet · 21/06/2018 06:06

I actually feel a bit sorry for your Dh. He went to pick up your Dd, and she wasn't there. He didn't have a clue where either of you were, or what was happening. I wouldn't like to be in that situation.

I've never heard the term 'emotional labour' before, and tbh, it sounds a little over the top.

The things you mention are just normal day to day things we all have to do and remember, aren't they? and those things are pretty important. I certainly haven't got to a point where I wouldn't worry if I 'drop the ball', as it would impact on my family.

BoomBoomsCousin · 21/06/2018 06:16

I used to be a project manager. I have a hard time managing a household though because you can't have the same expectations of people in a family and social setting as you can in a work setting. It's really very different. As a project manager, I tell people what I expect of them and when they don't' deliver I come down hard! As a mum, I tell people what I want of them and when they don't deliver I say "oh, shall we forget about that?", "OK then. Maybe we'll do that next year.", "Would you like ice cream?", "It doesn't matter, mummy and daddy are just worried about you." etc. So I don't treat family life like I would a work project. It would be far too demoralizing!

OP you seem to have found a sort of balance for yourself, at least a better one than you had a few months ago. You aren't going to beat yourself up over the lack of perfection in this case. But at the same time even though your DH hasn't berated you for it, you're still here posting about it as though it's more than some expected glitch in normal household life. So I would suggest you still haven't really let go of the feeling of obligation you have over it. Why do you think that is?

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