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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think MIL should treat all the grandchildren the same?

38 replies

MilQuestion · 20/06/2018 17:25

For background I have been with my DP since my son was 2. He is now 7 and we also have a 2 year old daughter together. He is my son's main father figure, he only sees his biological dad around once a month and during the holidays. My DP and son are very close as a result of this.

Since our 2 year old daughter was born I have noticed that she treats the children differently. For example, our 2 year old gets lots of presents for Christmas/Birthdays whilst my son only gets one or very little in comparison. It's clear that our daughter gets a lot more money spent on her. She also offers to take our daughter on days out to the zoo, park etc with her other biological grandchildren but she never invites our son.

I understand that he is not her biological grandson, but my son adores DP and we are a family. As far as I am concerned when he chose to become my partner, he also took on my son as his own (which he has never disputed, as I said they have a brilliant relationship). AIBU to think that MIL should treat both of 'our' children the same? I am worried that as my son gets older he will see the preferential treatment his sister gets.

OP posts:

Flowerpotbicycle · 20/06/2018 17:30

Tbh I think if it’s noticeable I would pull her up on it and just say “Look, I know it’s different because DD is your biological grandchild but they are brother and sister and he’s noticing the differences. It’s hurting his feelings”.
She may not even realise she’s doing it and it could be subconscious as she will undoubtedly love her granddaughter more.
Your son still has a relationship with his dad so maybe when he sees him you could let your MIL take your DD out for the day to save him realising.
It’s unrealistic to expect your DP’s family to feel the same about your DS but it isn’t unreasonable to expect them to outwardly try to be fair to both children.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 20/06/2018 17:30

Yes of course. Your DP needs to tell her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/06/2018 17:33

Yanbu at all. Agree that DH needs to speak to her. I'm surprised he hasn't already.

Flowerpotbicycle · 20/06/2018 17:34

The thing is... she isn’t obliged to treat them the same. Maybe she thinks he gets time with his dad and his family so she doesn’t see it as an issue that she wants time with her GD only?
Does your DS see his other grandparents?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 20/06/2018 17:34

Please stand up for your ds. ...

LML83 · 20/06/2018 17:35

it's really unkind/rude of her. She might feel differently about blood relative but they should never know it.

I love my nephew on my side and my nephew on my husband's side equally so I don't understand why she feels different.

Agree with PP. Tell her it's noticeable, ds is her sibling and his feelings are hurt. Maybe dh should be the one to talk to her?

Original poster

MilQuestion · 20/06/2018 17:37

He sees his other grandparents during the holidays. He sees his biological dad around once a month, and then goes to stay for a week at Easter etc. He doesn't have contact with him between those dates (never skypes, visits school or clubs etc.) through his own volition.

My DP is very much my son's father figure. He is the one who takes him to football, comes to school activities like sports day etc. We also see MIL at least a couple of times a month (more than my own DS sees his dad!) so I would have expected her to treat them more equally to be honest. I understand she may not feel the same but I wouldn't have expected her to outwardly show it

OP posts:

LeahJack · 20/06/2018 17:41

So if your DS receives presents from his side of the family do you ask them to include a gift for DD too? Because it really is a bit unfair if he gets extra that way whilst equality is enforced for her family in terms of presents.

Plus, I do understand why Step-Grandparents prefer to stay somewhat detached from Step-Grandchilren. A lot of marriages don’t last these days and chances are that if you split she will never see him again or very rarely.

Helloflamingogo · 20/06/2018 17:41

Have a conversation with her, ultimately one of your children isn’t related to her (sorry to be blunt but it’s true) so it’s understandable so I guess you have to ask her to give your DD less not your DS more.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/06/2018 17:42

Imo it's not about her feelings and what she thinks but about making a little boy not feel differently to his younger sibling.

Original poster

MilQuestion · 20/06/2018 17:45

LeahJack - No I don't ask my DS father to include a gift for my DD as he has no relationship with my DD. He has only ever met her fleetingly at pick up and drop off. It's different with my MIL as she sees both of my children very regularly and has a relationship with both. We go there for Christmas, Birthdays, Easter. We've been on holiday with them.

I'm not bothered about my DS getting more. Just that is equal so he's not sat there with one present to open on Christmas vs. 20 for my DD

OP posts:

Chickychoccyegg · 20/06/2018 17:45

I'm sure she cares about your d's in the same way as she cares about you, but not as much as she cares about her own son and gd
might not seem fair, but your son has grandparents that love him the way that mil loves your d's, get th to have a word with her to try and treat them more equally, but I wouldn't make too big a deal of this .

rogueone · 20/06/2018 17:46

That’s a difficult one. Your DS sees his Dad and spends time with his other grandparents. I am assuming he is on his own when he sees them and will be getting treats etc as I am assuming you don’t expect them to take your DD too? However you expect your current DP parents to take your DS. I completely understand the dynamic and you want his parents to treat them the same. However you can’t force them too. He is not there grandchild. I had exactly the same situation with my OH who took on my DS ages 3. He was the only DC at that time and then the grandchildren started appearing. My DS has never been treated the same despite my OH being called dad and taking him on as his own. We didn’t have an ex on the scene or an extra set of GP. As much as it hurt my OH they did what they could with my DS but they always favoured the others. My DS was aware of it but doesn’t care as his attitude is there not his GP anyway.

PotteringAlong · 20/06/2018 17:47

Imo it's not about her feelings and what she thinks but about making a little boy not feel differently to his younger sibling.

But he is different. He has other grandparents his sibling doesn’t. An extra parent his sibling doesn’t. Maybe even other siblings he doesn’t have. You can pretend they’re both the same all you like but the reality is that, the nature of a blended family is that within that group people have different relationships with different people.

Original poster

MilQuestion · 20/06/2018 17:50

My DS biological grandparents are not particularly nice. They don't make a fuss of him, they don't contact him/me unless he is staying there. Similarly to his father, they are in no way interested in his everyday life at all. They have a very dim view of Christmas etc. and even said themselves that if he wasn't coming to stay they 'wouldn't bother'.

It's not as though he is spoilt rotten by his biological grandparents and I am sure as he gets older he will notice that.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/06/2018 17:50

Of course she can't be made to feel different towards him but where Christmas and birthday presents are concerned I think it would be kind to buy them a similar amount. This child as been in her family for 5 years so isn't exactly new to her.

Original poster

MilQuestion · 20/06/2018 17:53

GreatDuckCookery That's what I feel. She doesn't have to feel the same, and she probably doesn't, but to outwardly show that she doesn't is mean in my opinion.

He is only 7 and I am sure he will wonder why his sister is going on all these fun days out with her cousins (who he also sees and spends lots of time with) and he doesn't.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 20/06/2018 17:56

Ask DH to talk to her at least. If she's decent she will consider what's been said to her.

NapQueen · 20/06/2018 17:58

Maybe suggest that she reduces what she gives to her grandaughter and saves the extra separately for her?

rogueone · 20/06/2018 18:05

The fact your DS biological grandparents don’t make a fuss doesn’t mean it’s your OH parents responsibility to pick that up. I am assuming you too have parents. Your DS is different to his DS, he sees his own father, he spends time away with his father and other grandparents away from his sister. That’s his normality. If you have an issue about gifts speak to them about it but you can’t force them to treat him as their own. However I don’t agree with them taking your DD out with cousins and not him. That’s out of order as he is part of the family and my OH parents would never have done that. They need pulled up on that.

rogueone · 20/06/2018 18:06

Sorry typo it should have read your DS is different to his Dsis!

Chattymummyhere · 20/06/2018 18:07

Your a blended family. The gp buy their biological child more, that’s pretty standard it’s not like they buy him nothing. In their eyes he has biological gps and a Dad who he sees every so often and who buy him things, regardless of how much they buy him. If you and your dp split they will never see ds again but dd they would, it could also be gender favouritism rather than step/bio.

carefreeeee · 20/06/2018 18:08

Agree with PP that whatever she feels she needs to treat them both the same. Anyway it's rubbish that she will automatically love him less just because he isn't a blood relation. He's a small cute child. Of course she can come to love him after knowing him for 5 years.

As for staying detached in case the relationship breaks down, that doesn't make sense either. If we all took that attitude then there would never be any relationships.

grasspigeons · 20/06/2018 18:09

I've pm'd you as this was our family situation (I am an adult and the younger child) I don't want to talk to the whole world about it, but have some useful perspective for you.

GrannyGrissle · 20/06/2018 18:13

DD's paternal GP treat her third rate compared to the other GC. I've fucked them off now and gone NC (Basically gave up doing all the running). It hurts but they aren't worth the upset.

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