To think MIL should treat all the grandchildren the same?

[MilQuestion]

For background I have been with my DP since my son was 2. He is now 7 and we also have a 2 year old daughter together. He is my son's main father figure, he only sees his biological dad around once a month and during the holidays. My DP and son are very close as a result of this.

Since our 2 year old daughter was born I have noticed that she treats the children differently. For example, our 2 year old gets lots of presents for Christmas/Birthdays whilst my son only gets one or very little in comparison. It's clear that our daughter gets a lot more money spent on her. She also offers to take our daughter on days out to the zoo, park etc with her other biological grandchildren but she never invites our son.

I understand that he is not her biological grandson, but my son adores DP and we are a family. As far as I am concerned when he chose to become my partner, he also took on my son as his own (which he has never disputed, as I said they have a brilliant relationship). AIBU to think that MIL should treat both of 'our' children the same? I am worried that as my son gets older he will see the preferential treatment his sister gets.

Thank you everyone for your perspectives, it seems pretty split down the middle.

grasspigeons Your DM has really helped me. Thank you.

Only on Mumsnet will you be told it's unacceptable to invite every classmate except one to a child's birthday party, yet it's considered acceptable for an adult to exclude a seven year old from a family day out because he's not a blood relative.
I am so glad that my step grandparents didn't have the same attitude. My dad's mum died when he was a child and he grew up with a step mother. Although my sister and some of our cousins did not have a 'blood link', she always treated us the same as her other GCs. My parents divorced and when my mum re-married, my step dad's parents welcomed us with open arms and open hearts. They may have felt differently towards their bio grandchildren, but they never showed it. They introduced us as their grandchildren and when we grew up and had children of our own, they were just as proud as the bio great grandparents.
Maybe some people are just better at the 'step' relationship.

OP, I think you or your Dh would be justified in mentioning it to MIL. Does she want your child to call her 'grandma/nannie/nan etc'? If so, she needs to act like one and that means including him.

With the age gap DC will automatically get a difference in number of prrsents/cost naturally anyway.

We have a 5 year gap between ours - DS2 looks like he's seriously favoured given the number of Christmas presents but he wants cheap tat whereas DS1 wants more thoughtful presents as he has got older

If it was 30 years ago and it was her Walkman would you be as fussed?

If she’s old enough To be left alone in the house she can wear headphones whilst she is doing it.

Aaaaggh. Wrong thread

Get DP to speak to her it’s not fair that he’s not treated the same and once he notices, it will already be too late his feelings will be hurt. It’s not fair for any adult to treat a child this way. I love my sisters children to death, I don’t feel this way for DP niece, however I would never ever make a difference between them in terms of treatment or gifts. Always do days out ect with everyone.
Your Ex’s family don’t buy for your DD as no relationship and to be honest your DS has parents who are separated which is tough on a child no matter how good the situation is and he will need a little extra, DD is lucky enough to have DP that are still together. DS will spend his life with the whole Step-dad, cousin, grandparents ect which is complicated.
MIL should have empathy for this and feel privileged to have the opportunity to be GM to your DS, there’s an awful lot of lonely older people out there who would love his love.

I am a gm. My gc lives with her mom and is my dss child. I actually don't want any other person who comes on the scene to be a gm to her. I obviously want her to be treated well but she is my gd and doesn't need another one. Also l wouldn't like her mom to consider a new partner her dad as my ds is her dad. I think its important your ds knows who everyone is in his life. Your mil might be conscious of this and not want to over step her place. And she is buying far too many presents for the little one.

Would they feel differently if your DP adopted DS I wonder? Then he will still be a part of their lives even if you split?

Have you actually discussed her accepting the role of dgm? Could she be concerned about stepping on the toes of his biological family?
Not defending her as obviously the dc need to be treated the same, just from her point of view could she be being cautious?

My DS biological grandparents are not particularly nice. They don't make a fuss of him, they don't contact him/me unless he is staying there

Im perplexed as to why you are focusing on his step grand parents rather than his biological grandparents - why do you think his step GPs should step in and fill a void? You son gets three sets of GPs yet your daughter gets two and you think your son is hard done by?

Im afraid unless your exPs family step up and treat your new addition equally then you cannot reasonably expect your new ILs to absorb your elder child. He is not their grand child.

But what about when your younger child notices that her older brother gets presents from his bio dad/grandparents and she doesn't?

It is really hard to make it fair. It does sound as if your in-laws could make it a little less obvious but perhaps they are worried about the younger child getting less overall because of your son's family on his dad's side - which he does see so they can't be ignored really!

The most wonderful thing about my inlaws was their oldest son married a lady with a 6 year old child.

They treated this child exactiy the same as their other grandchildren. Same love hugs and time.

A child can’t hsve too much love. Your mil sounds a cow.

I am a mil with grandchildren and any child in our family is a loved child.

The comment that she won’t get too close in case you split and she looses contact is bat shit. What a way to live your life.

Don’t let her upset your ds op.

I understand how hurt you must feel on behalf of your son. And really hope it can be resolved for everyone's satisfaction.

I had the opposite problem. I am a foster carer. Both of our families have always treated any foster child the same way as they did our own (recognising they would not feel the same way, but as for presents and days out it was always equal). However most of the foster children also got many (often OTT) gifts from their families and also from children's services. Their pile of presents was often much more than my own children's were. Right at this moment one foster child is playing a game on his £500 IPAD that was a gift, while my own son is on his cheap and cheerful £35 tablet as it is all we can afford.

I hiope you, or your DP, can have a word with your MIL and she will be a bit more sensitive in future. Good luck.