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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by DH's comment?

73 replies

Eden80 · 20/06/2018 16:13

Okay so I am currently 11 weeks pregnant with baby number 3. I have a 7 and 2 year old. I have been exhausted and had pretty much constant nausea and felt absolutely awful since week 6. The other day my husband (who has been doing most of the housework and cooking) commented that this was unreasonable and I needed to do more it was ridiculous he was doing this much. I have washed up, done some cooking and still do all the primary care for the children, baths, dressing etc and two year old is still breastfeeding doing night feeds. I am also still doing shopping and I am working three days a week. I feel like he has no clue how tired pregnancy makes women and how days are spent just battling sickness and trying to do what you can when you can.

Am I over reacting? Is it the hormones?

OP posts:

Hideandgo · 20/06/2018 16:47

Lana, what?? Are you saying her milk will dry up forcing her to wean it are you mistakenly thinking OP indicated a wish to wean. I can’t see any comment from her about that.

Original poster

Eden80 · 20/06/2018 16:48

The milk supply has dropped massively so he wakes up has the tiny bit that is there then has a massive drink of water and goes back to sleep. He is dry nursing for comfort too and its bloody killing my nipples.

In answer to someones question he rarely has both children alone, I rarely go out and the seven year old has only been without me once for a wedding and when I have been in and out of hospital having surgery.

OP posts:

LeighaJ · 20/06/2018 16:49

Men don't get it and it sucks! The first trimester especially sucks because you don't look pregnant so somehow that seems to make people think it's business as usual.

I was shocked how exhausted I was and I didn't even have morning sickness and some days I still felt like I'd been hit by a truck. You're doing way more than I did during my pregnancy so your husband should be more grateful.

Nunya · 20/06/2018 16:50

YANBU! I would've been hurt by his comment too but I would've been more angry that he had the nerve to complain that you aren't doing enough!! That's ridiculous! It doesn't sound like he has been doing his fair share to begin with if he can't handle a few daily chores that he clearly expects YOU- his wife who is currently pregnant and dealing with severe all day long "morning" sickness, not to mention caring for your 2 other children and still working outside of the home several days a week, to do without complaint! Hell no it is not the hormones and you are not over-reacting! The first trimester is exhausting when you have no other kids! You've got a 7 year old and are still breastfeeding a 2 year old, of course you are beyond tired! Who the hell does he think he is that HE shouldn't have to do so much?

Ohyesiam · 20/06/2018 16:51

Sounds like quite an equal split. What was he doing before?

CaledonianQueen · 20/06/2018 16:51

Your DH is an asshole! Are you sure he is just playing tennis those three nights of the week? Could he be having an affair? That level of resentment makes me wonder if he has someone else. Especially if he is working away. Is he glued to his phone a lot? Was your pregnancy planned at all?

Hideandgo · 20/06/2018 16:55

OP, I’m not sure what to say to you other than give him the bollocking of his life and fingers crossed he wakes up and realises he’s been a lazy, insensitive prick.

You deserve better than what you’re getting and what it looks likely you’ll get from this man.

Original poster

Eden80 · 20/06/2018 16:55

No he is at tennis - its a local club, easy to check, one of the days is a Sunday morning up until about 2pm. Works abroad in various countries, no consistency. Yes planned pregnancy, I wanted it perhaps more than him.

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 20/06/2018 17:03

Hold on you work and do all of the childcare and he is having to step up and doing an amount he should be doing anyway and he complains.

he has never had them on his own and you dont go out and yet he does exactly what he wants.

What do you get out of being with him - do you want the career break

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/06/2018 17:04

I'd be texting him, "Stop being a sexist fuckhole or dont bother coming home."

Why do put up with that shit?

Original poster

Eden80 · 20/06/2018 17:13

I wouldnt say I want the career break, being at work is a break and a lot easier than having two let alone three with two under 3, but economically it wont make sense and I would struggle managing three with him away a lot.

OP posts:

pallisers · 20/06/2018 17:21

He made reference to the fact he wont be doing anything like as much as he does now when I am 'not working' and for me not to be saying I am 'too busy looking after the children' to do housework.

he is an arse. Look him in the eye and say "fuck off with yourself with that. I am not a housekeeper. If I have a newborn and 2 small children that I am minding full time, you will certainly be pulling your weight - which is a lot more than you are doing now. If that doesn't suit you I'll go back to work full time which will suit me much better"

That or I can give you a few sample posts that you will be making in the next 3 years - it is all so dismally predictable.

endofthelinefinally · 20/06/2018 17:23

He sounds really horrible.
He doesn't deserve you.
How does looking after 3 children, one a new baby, equal "not working"?

BlueSapp · 20/06/2018 17:29

He's a dick, To be fair I think he should be doing more, from your lists he's not even doing his fair share never mind the fact that you need to rest more so he should be doing more than the fair split in order that you don't develop any other complications.

Magicpaintbrush · 20/06/2018 17:30

like because you're a woman you need to be the servant

Exactly!

Original poster

Eden80 · 20/06/2018 18:24

I think loads of men don't see the childcare part as division of labour, he only thinks of things that produce something as worth while in terms of measuring what is done.

OP posts:

Stripyhoglets1 · 20/06/2018 18:31

I wouldn't be taking a career break when your dh clearly doesn't respect or acknowledge your input. Or if I did it would be a very short one. I would be worried about being left vulnerable as a result

pallisers · 20/06/2018 18:33

I think loads of men don't see the childcare part as division of labour, he only thinks of things that produce something as worth while in terms of measuring what is done.

Well loads of men see the childcare part as the harder part of the division of labour (which is mostly why they don't do it).

Anyway, that's just his opinion. You don't have to go along with it. Don't be hurt. Be angry. People - especially husbands - take you at your own valuation in my experience.

pallisers · 20/06/2018 18:35

oh and in terms of producing something - you are producing a whole other human being. Next time he is churlish enough to ask you to skivvy more for him tell him you are too busy making a kidney and a set of lungs for the new baby.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 20/06/2018 18:36

If he won’t do any housework, could he pay a cleaner and a cook?

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 20/06/2018 18:37

Get the shopping delivered too so that’s one less thing.

Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2018 18:38

So write out a list of everything you do on a daily basis. Do it for a week then pick a quiet moment and talk to him about it. Include the 3 days a week paid employment.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 20/06/2018 18:38

Ask him what share of the "growing a full human" he is doing and then tell him to get over himself.

NotTakenUsername · 20/06/2018 18:40

Men don't get it and it sucks!

What bollocks. Plenty of men ‘get it’. Plenty of women don’t.

Your husband is a dick because he is a dick, not because of his dick.

Loopytiles · 20/06/2018 18:43

Don’t quit your job.

Your DH travelling this often for work isn’t sustainable given his parenting responsibilities.

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