To feel hurt by MIL's message?

[sausageandsquit]

So I've known the my in laws for a very long time. Generally get on well. I do always feel a bit anxious around them though. I don't know why!

We've had one major disagreement and that has been to do with their dog and DD's arrival. The dog is aggressive with children and both DH and I are not happy with him being anywhere near DD.

This resulted in many many arguments conversations about how over the top we are, he's fine, he'll know that she's part of the family so won't hurt her, etc etc. DH very firmly told MIL to back off and stop going on about the dog because it's never going to happen.

DD is now 1 and today I've received an email with a link to an article about how damaging "helicopter parenting" is before the age of 2. I had to google what it was because I had never heard of it before. But I can't help but feel that it's a dig at me. I'm definitely anxious around them but not because I'm worried about DD, it's just because I'm near them!!!

With the link in the email she said she thinks parenting is hard with all the information available now so I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or overly emotional (currently heavily pregnant)!

Am I right to feel hurt by this? If not, tell me I'm a dick so that I can give my head a good wobble!!!

[MimiSunshine]

Just because she started the game, it doesn’t mean you have to play.

So don’t reply at all. It’s too easy to fall into the trap of defending your stance on the dog.

She’s been deliberately vague as I’m sure she knows her son would say something about it otherwise.

If she brings it up at all, just say something like “oh I didn’t see that email, what was the article about?”
If she actually explains rather than bat it off then look vaguely interested/ confused and ask what it was that she particularly found interesting.

Then just keep asking her questions, in a way that suggests you’re interested in it all but without giving any input I.e. that’s an interesting idea, do you think you were like that etc

[chipsandgin]

Along with an article about dogs mauling kids I'd send this one about 'why passive aggressive behaviour is so damaging':

www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/why-passive-aggressive-behavior-is-so-damaging_us_5a332c8ce4b02bd1c8c6059f?guccounter=1

& say 'thought you might like this' (then enjoy the irony of passive-aggressively sending an article about passive-aggressive behaviour in response to her passive-aggressive email...).

[TeeBee]

Oh yes, Tinkobell's article is the perfect response. :-D

[StaplesCorner]

Oh please send Tink's article!!

Or at least ask her outright why she has sent that to you.

[Island35]

Oh I really feel for you. I am in the same position regarding in laws dogs, one in particular. My dog is leaning against me but one dog scares the hell out of me and therefore I do not want my baby near it. Irrelevant if something is going to happen, I don't want to test the theory.
The email is just plain old rude, maybe one for your OH to deal with? You reply but does it make your life easier?

[Summersorcherisjustsummer]

If this was disagreement over food x weaning, drink in pregnancy, High chairs or anything like that, I would ignore.

However she has gone head to head with you over her dog. I would say

Oh thanks for this Mil, it's always good to share and read info and take what you want from it.
Here is some stuff I was reading on babies and dog attacks.. You may want a read if your in reading mood.

[TeeBee]

Oh, and OP, you're not wrong about the dog. My MIL's dog was not aggressive but used to jump up and bark against the patio window when my DS was tiny if he was indoors. Used to scare him half to death. It took me 14 years to reverse the fear of dogs in him...and I had to buy one of the bloody things to do so! Stick to your guns.

[Oraiste]

I'd reply with DH copied in (although I might be tempted to BCC him) and ask if she meant to send it to me as we (me and DH) don't think it applies to us. In a way it's irrelevant what you send as I doubt she'll reply, but it would grate on me to stay silent. Also, I would be reluctant to call her in it if she said it to me but email provides the perfect distance.

[BertrandRussell]

Stand your ground about the dog-she is being wildly unreasonable.

How does your anxiety around them show itself?

[Love51]

Keep on keeping your child safe around dogs. People forget that dogs change as they get older. I had a dog a brother and a boyfriend as a teen. The people all went off to uni, the dog stayed with my parents. The dog had been a soppy bugger, scared of her own bark, never aggressive. Every single one of us on separate visits home tried to play with the dog and two of us got aggressive warnings and one got bitten. We were adults and used to dogs, and misjudged the situation. Children under 7 are rubbish at reading dogs.
On a practical level, miss the odd visit as it's too tiring keeping dog and child apart. That may get her to keep the dog in another room. Or not, but you don't have to do as you're told!

[rollingonariver]

She's obviously having a go at you. My mums dog is the calmest dog ever and we still keep him away from DD and never let them be alone together. She's absolutely stupid to think the dog can do no harm.

[SparkleMotions]

Sorry OP but your MIL is a patronising cow - who does she think she is sending you an email like that? She sounds like she is trying to undermine you as a parent. If my MIL did this, she would receive a swift message telling her to shove that email where the sun doesn't shine. You are quite right to be worried about a dog that has been shown to be aggressive towards Children, because she's obviously not bothered (she will be if the dog ever attacks your DC) I would show the email to your DH!

[BlueKarou]

Does your MIL often send you parenting links? Or is this a one off? If a one off, then I'd be much more annoyed than if she just regularly sent through all sorts of parenting-related stuff.

I have dogs, have had dogs for a long time, but I'm still very careful with my kid around them (and he's 2 now!) and more so with dogs like my mum's terrier, who is more likely to snap if pushed. It's not helicopter parenting, it's completely sensible.

[Ski40]

I second what @SoddingUnicorns said. You are perfectly entitled to protect your child and if that means telling inlaws to butt out... then... we've all been there. You are not a helicopter mum, the news are full of "dog mauls baby" horror stories. Good luck xxx

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Furthermore I'd google your MIL's breed of dog and link directly to attacks by 'her' breed of dog.

It's very easy to look at your own big soft mutt and think that he wouldn't harm a fly but you just never know. My own old boy was the softest, easiest and most intelligent dog on the planet (of course!), but even he would occasionally growl in the presence of small children. He was never ever left alone with one.

[alwaysthepessimist]

My parents have always had dogs but when children are around the dogs are controlled or contained, my dd 6 adores them but they are never left alone, no dog (imo) is ever safe around an unpredictable child, any dog can turn nasty in an instant so no YANBU your MIL is!

Silly moo (her not you)

[junebirthdaygirl]

Totally agree with people who say do not engage. You will be more dignified and her whole plan will be a damp squib.
Of course keep dog away from child. Totally sensible. Make no apoligies.

[gillybeanz]

Sounds like your mil is more dangerous than the dog.
Send her a link about dogs round children, and one about gp's having no rights and how hard it is to parent these days.

[Tinkobell]

I know it's sarcy and I know that's wrong but I'd have to send with grandparenting article and go all American-talk show "it's brilliant that we are all embarking on this journey of self improvement together for the sake of little xxx, thank you for your kind advice and I hope you too can strive to be even better grandparents"

[crispysausagerolls]

LeighaJ - this link is the perfect response!

I have a dog but I would 1) never leave him
alone with baby and 2) still not like another dog near my baby!

[Minster2012]

Loving the links to helicopter grandparenting!

[MakeItStopNeville]

I’d try not to take it too personally. For all we know, she could have just read the article, found it interesting and wanted to share it with you. My MIL used to do that all the time and I came to realize that it actually had bugger all with how she viewed me as a parent.

Unless she said as much, it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the dog at all.

[Katgurl]

I despise passive aggressive behaviour and find the only way it doesn't annoy me is to call the person right out on it.

"Hi. Thanks. Am confused as to why you sent me this article?"

Also you are 100% right on the dog situation.

[janinlondon]

I'm with MakeitstopNeville. I dont think this is about the dog - that's what's in your head but not necessarily anything at all to do with the article. I am a cow, so I think I'd reply with something like: "Aww, you're being too harsh on yourself. He has turned out fine now - what happened 30 years ago is in the past. He's a lovely man!".

[watchingwithinterest]

I love the return email with the dog mauling, perhaps you can add a photo or two?

Or you could simply go extremely low or no contact. I am not sure I would want to be spending my time with someone that was so rude.

She sounds vile.

You have a jolly good reason to hold them at arms length (and some)