To feel hurt by MIL's message?

[sausageandsquit]

So I've known the my in laws for a very long time. Generally get on well. I do always feel a bit anxious around them though. I don't know why!

We've had one major disagreement and that has been to do with their dog and DD's arrival. The dog is aggressive with children and both DH and I are not happy with him being anywhere near DD.

This resulted in many many arguments conversations about how over the top we are, he's fine, he'll know that she's part of the family so won't hurt her, etc etc. DH very firmly told MIL to back off and stop going on about the dog because it's never going to happen.

DD is now 1 and today I've received an email with a link to an article about how damaging "helicopter parenting" is before the age of 2. I had to google what it was because I had never heard of it before. But I can't help but feel that it's a dig at me. I'm definitely anxious around them but not because I'm worried about DD, it's just because I'm near them!!!

With the link in the email she said she thinks parenting is hard with all the information available now so I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or overly emotional (currently heavily pregnant)!

Am I right to feel hurt by this? If not, tell me I'm a dick so that I can give my head a good wobble!!!

[AdaColeman]

She was clearly trying to goad you, and bully you into changing your stance on the dog.
Send her some links to the poor children injured and killed by dogs.
You are doing the right thing in protecting your child.

[Whattheactualfuckmate]

You feel anxious because your instinct is telling you to be on your guard. Clearly you’ve felt attacked before.

I wouldn’t mention the dog as she could just be accusing you of helicopter parenting in general and it will open the gate for yet another row over it.

I’d honestly thank her for the link, say you love reading material regarding parenting. Send her some innocuous links back with an add on ‘ parenting is hard but definatley enjoyable and we all find our way with in it .

Make it look like it went straight over your head. As it obviously doesn’t apply to you - why would it ?

[LightDrizzle]

“Why did you send me this?”

[pigsDOfly]

I'm not sure I'd send her any links to dog attacks because that makes it look as if you're trying to justify yourself, almost like you're saying, 'yes I know I'm being a bit ott but look what can happen'.

I'm the owner of a very passive friendly small dog and I can tell you she's an idiot if she thinks the dog will not harm your child because he will know she's part of the family, utter rot.

Keep your child away from her dog and never leave your children at her house without you or your DH being there.

Don't engage with her over the message, but having said that, I'd want to know exactly why she sent that link and I think that's something your DH, as her son, should ask her outright.

[Coyoacan]

There you go, I don't agree with the majority here. I personally think that she thought the article would be interesting for the parent of a small child. I certainly wouldn't automatically assume it has anything to do with dogs.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

She has deliberately sent you a passive aggressive message, which is carefully ambiguous enough that should you take offence you can be accused of taking it the wrong way? Evil
So take it completely the wrong way.
Send back a "Thanks so much for your apology" email "It's so nice that you have come round to my way of thinking, after all we are just both trying to keep the little ones safe"
Then she's either forced to say what she actually means, and not get away with ambiguity, or to agree with you. It doesn't actually matter that your reply is non-sensical because the only way around it for her is to then say what she actually meant, or back off.

[Tinkobell]

Send a note back. "Thanks for article. I havent and don't intend to read it because I am rushed off my feet each day and, with respect, this was not the sort of practical support DH were hoping for from you both at this very busy time of our lives"
As a dog owner, I think that your MILS are bonkers to over expose a toddler with a dog which is primarily used to elderlies!

[Twombly]

I'd reply asking, 'Why have you sent me this?' Make her state her opinions upfront so that you can then have a grown-up conversation about why she's wrong, instead of all this passive aggressive nonsense. She's being childish and rude. And YANBU about the dog.

[SleepWarrior]

"Hi MIL, yes I suppose parenting is hard, although I enjoy it immensely as DD is wonderful! Not quite sure I understand what that has to do with the article you linked though? Was there a particular part you thought was relevant to me or something?

Sausage"

[HerFemaleness]

Even very placid dogs need to be watched carefully around small children. Small children are very unpredictable and their behaviour can be frightening to dogs. I'm surprised your inlaws have such a reckless attitude given that their dog has a history of aggression towards children. They sound like people who really shouldn't be dog owners. Stick to your guns.

[jaguar67]

YNBU at all OP!

Your child, your parenting... - whichever PP wrote this - spot on. No-one has the right to be sending you any advice - well-meaning or not - on how you decide to raise your children. That includes grandparents.

In any event, as owner of a soppy Labrador - the only behaviour I would ever dare predict is when he's around food! Any dog, even outwardly docile ones could 'turn' if feeling threatened. Dog-owners really are their/ our own worse enemy at times...

Good news DH is on side. Personally I like the approach above of replying with a cc to DH 'Was this really meant for me' (or whatever words were suggested). This calls her out, flushes out the issue and enables you draw v clear line moving forward.

Good luck with this and wonderful news on impending arrival! x

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

Just ignore it. I have a twatty type MIL. I ignore any communications like that and carry on in my own sweet way. If she mentions it, I just say "oh I didn't see that MIL. I get so many email I can hardly keep up". She's given up sending stuff lime tgst now as there is no point.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I'm astounded that they would want an aggressive dog near their granddaughter!

What's the story with the dog OP? When and how did it show aggression? What have PILs said about that?

[posieperkinandpootle]

Def send link from LeighaJ. I've just skimmed it and wish I'd had it 15 years ago to send my mil. Or use the MN chestnut ODFOD.

[HildaZelda]

YANBU OP. Your MIL is being a complete bitch with her 'trying to be clever' email.
You're certainly not being a helicopter parent. You're being a sensible parent because you don't want to leave your DD near an aggressive dog.

[bakingdemon]

I saw these articles in the newspapers today. She may not be linking it directly to the dog, but may just think it's interesting.

[nellieellie]

Don’t engage. Just reply something that kinda indicates you e not bothered to read the article like, “yes, parenting is challenging! Hope you are both well and enjoying the sunshine”.
I have 2 dogs. Love dogs. Would never, ever let either of them near a baby, even though one is spectacularly docile and friendly. Dogs are unpredictable around babies and toddlers because they move oddly and do unpredictable things themselves. Neither of my dogs have grown up with babies or toddlers, so as far as Im concerned, I don’t take the risk. You stick to your guns. There’s too much of this insisting on dogs and babies being flung together.

[taratill]

I'm a dog owner. My dog is amazingly good around children. However, I put her in a crate when my nearly one year old nephew is around because no matter how good she is she is an animal and I can't guarantee how she will react to having her fur pulled. Your MIL is being ridiculous.

Also her behaviour is passive aggressive. Of course she is being critical of your parenting. I have this , none stop, with my own mother. Its a nightmare and we have now come to blows.

I would suggest though, it being your mother in law, that you let your partner deal with her. Anything you say or do is open to be misconstrued.

[tripYouOut]

Is this from Developmental Psychology?

I know the author well and it's very interesting reading; it certainly backs up my thoughts on the matter.

I certainly think it's part of the problem in current young adults.

[TeeBee]

I would reply 'Yes it is, that's why I ignore all articles on parenting and so-called 'advice' from other people on how to bring my children up. Our child, our rules as far as I'm concerned. Luckily your son feels the same.'

[Tinkobell]

Or try "thanks for the article. Bit confused. Has this by chance got anything to do with your dog and toddler? If it has, do pop round and we can chat about it. You really musnt let these things fester like that"

[Mycheckshirt]

I would send back 'is this in reference to our concerns about the dog?' Call her out on it, don't let her get away with being PA, make her spell out her reasoning. If she denies its about the dog ask why exactly she did send it then, it might make her think twice about being PA if you make it clear you won't take it lying down and she will be forced to explain herself.

If she freely admits it is connected to the issue with the dog then I'd go with PP's suggestion of sending lots of links about dog attacks on children but I suspect she'll come back with something vague like 'I just thought it might be useful/interesting' in which case I would keep questioning why. Keep questions short and closed, 'why would you think we needed info about helicopter parenting?', make her explain herself so she knows you're onto her.

[TeeBee]

Fuck that! The MIL's views on the dog are completely irrelevant, and she needs to know that. She's not the parent and that's that.

[Tinkobell]

Send back an article about helicopter grandparenting. The Guardian have done one. Then hit send and have a bloody good laugh!!
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec/22/passive-aggressive-helicopter-grandparents

[MrsMrsMrsMrs]

Rockcakesrock - perfect!